Non commital invitation responses. It’s rude right? AIBU

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I feel like this is a very common occurrence in the age of texting, messaging, Snapchat etc.

I personally HATE it when you extend an invite and the recipients replies “we are currently free that day at the moment, but can I let you know the day before/closer to the time in case something comes up?”

Isnt that just code for “I am free but I don’t want to commit yet in case something better comes up.”

AIBU?? Who can be arsed with that?! They’re basically assuming you are happy to keep that day in your diary free with the distinct possibility they might cancel.

Let me know your thoughts!

Yes, I would consider it rude, too. The only way a holding response would be acceptable is if you can't remember at that moment whether you have a prior engagement. The way to respond is 'I'd really love to do that with you, but I need to check my diary first/see if I can find a babysitter for that day', or similar.

I'd just not respond, and wait for them to contact you. Then, if they're still interested in that particular invitation, tell them you're not free anymore.

Def cheeky, if you weren't sure and still organising date that's the only time I'd use the phrase 'date is free at the moment' ie you've not yet confirmed the date. But if it's a specific date you're asking about and they give you that kind of 'if we get no better offers, leave you hanging' response hen that's 100% rude.

'sorry trying to organise this and finding it difficult as everyone saying they're free... but won't commit to coming! If I don't get some hard yes' I'll just cancel this folks as don't want to keep it free and have it all fall through the day before so I'm stuck with no plans. Cheers'

Also may I suggest setting up a free doodle poll for organising folk, let's you put in some dates, everyone selects when they are free and the most selected date is the one you go for. Saves hassle xx

Sorry didn't mean the kisses force of habit!! 😂

Unbelievably rude! I think you have typed out the perfect response in your OP:

Isn’t that just code for “I am free but I don’t want to commit yet in case something better comes up.”?

“we are currently free that day at the moment, but can I let you know the day before/closer to the time in case something comes up?”

Is that word for word the response?! Because that really is rude - I often take that to be the subtext, but it's basically explicit in that reply.

And yes, it drives me barmy. I don't mind so much when it's a Christmas party or something and you just need rough ideas of numbers, but for anything that needs a firm response it's impossible to plan if people won't commit.

The worst one is if you try and actually arrange an event around a non-committal person's availability and they still won't commit and keep saying "oh I don't know, you guys go on ahead without me and I'll keep you posted and join if I can".

I've had a few replies recently from one particular person I know along the lines of "not sure if we can make it, but have fun!"

I mean, I'm not stupid, that's a no, right? It's fine to just say "no, we can't make it" instead of "not sure" which just leaves it unnecessarily ambiguous.

I’d text back, ‘what sort of something?’

Really rude but modern technology has made people (some) into rude flakes.

I totally agree with you that it is a really rude, especially as it is so close to the date.
Saying that I suppose there are many other responses, checking diary , checking with partner/work etc which your friend could have said and would actually mean the same thing.
I suppose sometimes honesty isnt a good thing

Yes it's really rude. This sort of thing seems to be increasing though - at least among the people I know. It's an absolute pain trying to organize to meet up with others - trying to organize a few people to go to the cinema a couple of weeks ago and I ended up going on my own. If you want to see the film then just say so for goodness sake. Film was in a very small cinema where you have to book in advance or you won't get in. A couple of people said along the lines of "Oh I really want to see that film but I don't know what I'm doing on that day yet so I'll let you know on the day"..

I really think a lot of people do hedge their bets for something "better" coming up. And you can tell from how they phrase their message. If it's because of work or family commitments they should say that but a lot of the time it's just not wanting to tie themselves down for fear of missing out should something else come up.

As part of my work I organize amateur musicians to play at various events. I am also having increasing problems finding people who will commit either yes or no. I'm in another country and they have a particular expression which loosely translates as "We'll see" and it is used a lot in all kinds of contexts. Sorry, I don't want a "We'll see"... I want and need a yes or no. If it's no then I can ask someone else so the position is filled. I don't need an immediate yes or no, but I do need a fairly quick answer. The "We'll see" people don't want to commit in case something else comes up (which may or may not be music related).
If anyone "we'll see"s me I don't ask them a second time and I don't bother asking them for future events either.

I think the only time you can use that kind of holding statement is when you provide a reason for it.

eg, "I'd love to but I'm still waiting to hear if I'm working that day so can I get back to yo closer to the time."

"Or, I'd love to but DC have been sick off and on and frankly, I'm absolutely knackered so if they're not 100% by then I might not be able to join you"

Or whatever.

It's the total lack of explanation which immediately, and fairly, makes it sound like you're just waiting for a better offer.

I had to do the work one the other day. It's for a day time event I'd love to go to but it's a month away and quite honestly, I just don't have visibility of work that far ahead because I'm self employed. I felt terrible being so vague but I think the other women understand that I don't always control my work schedule.

Blong i completely agree. Giving a reason, and a reasonable timeframe for a firm response, is absolutely fine. My friend who's a nurse always has to say "I'll let you know when my rota comes in", it's perfectly understandable. It's people who want to keep their calendar open and then decide at the last minute depending on their whims / what else has come up that are rude.

We get this with class parties. I respond 'oh that's a shame you can't make it. Enjoy your weekend'.

"I think the only time you can use that kind of holding statement is when you provide a reason for it."

I came on here to say just this so you have saved me the trouble. Explain what the particular variable is that might prevent you coming, and give the other person an idea of when you'll have a definite yes/ no for them.

They're very rude.

I'd say, no problem, we'll count you out this time, hopefully you'll be free another time. Enjoy your weekend. (then not ask them next time).

What I'd want to say is no, fuck off you can't tell me at the last minute if you don't get another offer.

I do this. I don’t like to commit to things. I have one day a week free to do stuff and if something more interesting comes up I will do that instead.

Ok but....surely you understand that you’re being rude?

Yes, if the original invitation doesn't sound exciting enough just say no and organise your more exciting day elsewhere - without being rude...

My husband does this and it drives me Insane! Yeah he's saying in free unless something better comes along!

I must be a terrible person.
If it was a friend I would reply ' OK see you Tuesday then, as long as something better doesn't come up'

@missnevermind sooo you're just not that into any of your friends

What’s Sonia’s life like though? If she’s juggling commitments she might not want to say yes only to let you down nearer the time because she has to do something with the kids, her husbands away etc etc.

I don’t think it’s necessarily her being a bitch but you know her best so you’re better to judge than us.

MonstranceClock if you kept doing that to me you would soon find that the invitations dry up.

That’s fine, I’d find something better to do

MonstranceClock You’re not that egocentric, surely?