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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Non commital invitation responses. It’s rude right? AIBU

127 replies

Countryescape · 15/11/2019 06:53

I feel like this is a very common occurrence in the age of texting, messaging, Snapchat etc.

I personally HATE it when you extend an invite and the recipients replies “we are currently free that day at the moment, but can I let you know the day before/closer to the time in case something comes up?”

Isnt that just code for “I am free but I don’t want to commit yet in case something better comes up.”

AIBU?? Who can be arsed with that?! They’re basically assuming you are happy to keep that day in your diary free with the distinct possibility they might cancel.

Let me know your thoughts!

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/11/2019 15:08

I think the only time you can use that kind of holding statement is when you provide a reason
It's the total lack of explanation which immediately, and fairly, makes it sound like you're just waiting for a better offer

This ^^ It doesn't have to include every detail of your life; just "I'm waiting on x, y or x" will do, but behaving as they did with just 7 days' notice of the event was downright rude

Your response was a good one though, and at least you'll know not to bother overmuch with them next time

MonstranceClock · 15/11/2019 17:07

Sure.

crosstalk · 15/11/2019 17:18

@MonstranceClock I also have little time, but I'd reply no rather than keep someone hanging on for a will she won't she. Anything else is selfish and rude unless as PPs have said you have changing shifts, late work, are caring for someone etc.

juliej00ls · 15/11/2019 17:23

Better offer syndrome..... this means my time and / or the time of my children is way more important than your time. This is made easier by text. Rude.

Lizzie0869 · 15/11/2019 17:56

This has probably become more of a thing since the advent of Facebook party invitations, where there is a 'maybe' option. I really hate that. I had a big 50th birthday party in August and there were a few friends who only gave their final answer during the last week (it was no, hardly surprisingly).

missnevermind · 15/11/2019 18:19

missnevermind sooo you're just not that into any of your friends hmm
No. Im acknowledging that they may or may not come. We will be there anyway.

hopeishere · 15/11/2019 18:27

I've a friend who would do this. It was hard to know if she was just incredibly disorganised or was waiting for a better offer. She seems to thrive on chaos.

It really hacked off two other friends. We were going out and she was flip flopping about attending - hoped to be there, wouldn't make drinks, hope to see you in the restaurant etc. Never showed up. Has not been invited since!

Original poster
Countryescape · 15/11/2019 19:00

@QuimReaper the exact response was "I am free so far on that day, but can I let you know the day before/closer to the time in case something comes up". With zero explanation of what that "something" might be. I'm assuming something = better offer!!!

She isn't a good friend of mine. She is a newish mum to the school whose daughter is now friends with mine. I thought I would make the effort to be inclusive, but lesson learned. I'll not bother again!

OP posts:
Original poster
Countryescape · 15/11/2019 19:04

@puzzledandpissedoff yes you are right. You don't need to include every single detail but just an attempt at a reason surely is common courtesy! Like "sounds great, but I'm just waiting to hear about ……. can I let you know next week." or whatever.

Haha @juliej00ls you are so right re better offer syndrome. The thing that gets me is they are assuming their time is more important than yours and that you will be quite happy to keep a slot free for them, only for them to cancel on a whim. Talk about self centred!!

OP posts:
MonstranceClock · 15/11/2019 19:19

But the reason is none of your business!
If they’ve said they may be free that day they’ll let you know closer to the time, then it’s up to you wether you keep that day free or not.
Where I come from this is totally normal behaviour.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 15/11/2019 19:26

Surely they know now if they are free? May be free? How does that even work? If it is work related, childcare etc then say so and say you'll come back to them.

Is it something you would want to do? If yes ,check diary, say yes, put it in that date. If you don't want to, say no straight off, if you can't suggest a reschedule or say no.

Strugglingtodomybest · 15/11/2019 19:35

Yanbu, it's very bad manners.

Ginfordinner · 15/11/2019 19:43

You have some very ill mannered, self important friends then MonstranceClock Hmm

If someone is good enough to invite me to something I usually know if I am going to be free or not. If I don't know I say that I will check my diary and let them know asap. I don't keep them hanging on and then make a decision the day before, especially if something has to be booked. One thing I never do is imply that I might get a better offer. It is rude and inconsiderate and I don't think that my time is more important than anyone elses.

I simply don't understand why you can't see that.

billy1966 · 15/11/2019 19:49

Extremely rude.

"I'll take that as a No", is the best response. Completely take their choice from them.
And obviously never bother asking again!

MonstranceClock · 15/11/2019 20:15

The same reason why I don’t see why you can’t see my point of view. Clearly very different backgrounds.

Li11ibet · 15/11/2019 20:19

I confess I have been guilty of non committal responses sometimes in the past. But in my case it is down to social anxiety, and never because I am waiting for a better offer.

Sometimes, as soon as I get the invite, I get the fear - and dont want to commit and then pull out closer to the time or on the day. Or not reply in a timely manner. Which both feel more rude to me than saying 'hopefully I can make it' or the like. (Appreciate now lots may disagree!) Most of my friends don't realise I get social anxiety. So although I should be more open about it, I'm not!

However having read how rude people take it, I will be more mindful in future.

Original poster
Countryescape · 15/11/2019 23:32

@MonstranceClock i think it is polite to give a reason and anything else is just plain rude. I usually assume the person actually has no real reason why they can't come other than they can't be arsed.

OP posts:
MonstranceClock · 16/11/2019 07:05

But can’t you see that your own assumption? Therefore your issue not there’s? If you choose to be offended by that, that’s on you. You don’t have to wait for their decision, you are free to make other plans. If you both still free on that day, great. If not, oh well, see each other another time.

12help34please56 · 16/11/2019 07:22

Ugh this is so rude! And turning up late - don't get me started!! I don't mean 15 mins or so - we've all had the last minute nappy explosions but I've had times when I'm actually at the agreed venue at the agreed time and had messages like 'leaving in ten mins' making them 40 mins late even if they actually did leave in ten mins!! Definitely a case of my time is more important than your time

SuperMeerkat · 16/11/2019 07:22

@Countryescape Very cheeky. I love an invitation and check the diary, see if I want to go and am free and respond either way. It’s then a firm entry in the diary and only cancelled due to unexpected sickness.

Harriett123 · 16/11/2019 07:31

Unless theres a good reason its rude.
I've done this with all my December commitments but my baby is due mid December so everyone is really understanding

Grammar · 16/11/2019 07:42

These people that do this, it'll come back and bite them in the future when they are lonely and relish the only chance they get to interact with anyone.

We have a wedding to go to. I don't want to go, but we were invited months ago. We replied yes. We will stick to that obviously.
Do people do that with this kind of scenario too? If not, what's the difference? One sticks to the decision.
I've never come across this before. It must be a recentish kind of response, utterly unacceptable, the bare faced arrogance...

SnuggyBuggy · 16/11/2019 07:43

It's definitely arrogance. I agree you've only got yourself to blame if you treat people like shit and they start to give up on you.

Ginfordinner · 16/11/2019 08:06

Monstrance you come across as rude and arrogant with every post. Maybe you are part of a large group and your presence wouldn't be missed. Most people make plans to meet others because they want to see them. To be so casually dismissed is hurtful and makes the person who is making the arrangements feel insignificant and unimportant, especially if the meeting only involves the inviter and invitee.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 16/11/2019 08:22

Yanbu. People are generally pretty rude these days in my experience, and lack consideration for other people.