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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Non commital invitation responses. It’s rude right? AIBU

127 replies

Countryescape · 15/11/2019 06:53

I feel like this is a very common occurrence in the age of texting, messaging, Snapchat etc.

I personally HATE it when you extend an invite and the recipients replies “we are currently free that day at the moment, but can I let you know the day before/closer to the time in case something comes up?”

Isnt that just code for “I am free but I don’t want to commit yet in case something better comes up.”

AIBU?? Who can be arsed with that?! They’re basically assuming you are happy to keep that day in your diary free with the distinct possibility they might cancel.

Let me know your thoughts!

OP posts:
Yellowbutterfly1 · 15/11/2019 07:32

If I ever ask my mil if she wants to go and see a show (that I know she wants to go to) a couple of months in advance, I always get the same response “I don’t know if I’m doing anything that day”.

Why she can’t just say thanks but no thanks is beyond me.

drivingtofrance · 15/11/2019 07:36

Some people are just rude.

I would rescind the invitation and only have those who can confirm they are coming and do actually turn up.

After hosting many parties I know who is likely to bail just before the event - and not to rely on them to keep the numbers up.

If you're going - go. If you are waiting for something better then jog on.

MesmorisedByTheLights · 15/11/2019 07:36

Unless there are special circumstances (eg sick relative), then it's rude. I would text back and tell them not to bother.

Pigeonpair1 · 15/11/2019 07:36

This sort of thing drives me crazy and I would immediately send back:-

"don't worry, I'd like to get something definite in so if you're not sure you can do it it, I'll make other plans".

It would put me off seeing them anyway if I felt they were hedging their bets!

daisychain01 · 15/11/2019 07:42

Anyone who decides they don't know what they're doing that day were never taught any manners. It's code for waiting in case a better offer comes up.

I'd be inclined to reply "Thanks, as you can't commit to the invitation, I'll have to leave it as there are several people who can, and there are limited numbers". But then I've got no time for rude ungrateful people.

Just hope they end up doing nothing that day!

Original poster
Countryescape · 15/11/2019 07:43

It was a bit tricky because I had messaged two mums and one said straight away to count them in and the other came back with the shitty response. So I put it back onto her and said "All good lets just leave it Sonia. Let Sarah and I know when you are free. We are planning on meeting up on ….. day. Hope to see you there!" I'm yet to hear back.....

OP posts:
floravus · 15/11/2019 07:43

I do admit to doing this but it's because of work. We are farmers and plans can change by the day. Like at the moment, drilling the crops should be finished by now really but because of all the rain, we haven't got it in the ground. Yet we have bought all the seed and it will end up having to be thrown away. So if it randomly dries up for a few days, no existing plans are going to stop us drilling. But when I'm invited to something, I always ask if we can decide the day/few days before, and if not we will have to say no just incase. I also let people know not to wait around for us and if they get a better offer or if someone else can give them a more firm answer, do go with them. If someone invited us to something a few months ago for end of November, we probably would have said an almost definite yes, but the weather has stuffed us up! I'm sure people get fed up of us though, either being non-committal or cancelling last minute.

KitKat1985 · 15/11/2019 07:43

YANBU.

I had a 'friend' who I used to message a week before with something along the lines of "are you free next Wednesday for a catch up?" and she wouldn't reply at all. Nada. Except on the day itself I asked to meet up on she would sometimes message me in the morning something along the lines of "are we still meeting up today"? Even though she had never confirmed if we were meeting up or not, so often I'd made other plans. I suspect she just didn't reply until the day in case something better came up in the meanwhile.

I don't see her anymore.

OMGshefoundmeout · 15/11/2019 07:50

It’s very rude. I think your response was good.
If she comes back to you later saying she can make it, I would answer ‘oh sorry, we have made other plans now’.

PinkPonyPalace · 15/11/2019 07:53

I have a friend who does this regularly. We no longer invite her to get togethers. It’s incredibly rude to say, in essence, you’ll come if you don’t get a better offer. Either you’re free and if you want to go, you say yes, otherwise you just say no sorry.
With my so-called friend, she has intense friendships with other people and always comes back to us when they fizzle out and the ‘better’ option has disappeared. Sad thing is, we won’t be there for her next time - we’re all fed up of being treated like we don’t matter to her.

foxatthewindow · 15/11/2019 07:57

YANBU, but I sometimes have to do this - PIL are quite flaky and will tend to announce an invitation to visit (Say, next weekend) and sometimes not specify a day. Often I won’t know if they are actually coming until the morning/they get in the car 2 hours away. I’ve tried insisting on more formal commitments from them but they just cancel last minute then. Drives me mad! So I am sometimes this person but I’m usually more explanatory, along the lines of ‘PIL might be coming but I won’t know until nearer, if they don’t we’d love to but understand you might be busy by then. Let’s check in later this week’ and I try not to do it for single family get togethers, more for group gatherings

Original poster
Countryescape · 15/11/2019 07:58

@muddlemidget soooooo basically just waiting for the best offer you can get that will benefit you the most! This is exactly my point....

OP posts:
scubadive · 15/11/2019 08:00

I had this recently, a few of us trying to arrange a night out. Finally got a date everyone had said they were free on. I said I will book a table, then one, who I most wanted to see said can I let you know nearer the time as they had a lot on. They had already confirmed they could make that night. Confused We all have a lot on, I’m a single mum of 4 in the middle of a divorce trying to juggle a job so wasn’t sure how to take this, I guess the truth is they are not that keen to meet up. Sad

StripeyTopRedLips · 15/11/2019 08:01

YANBU.

If you still want their company after that response (I wouldn’t) I’d reply ‘let me know by this date, if I don’t hear from you I’ll assume it’s a no, thanks!’ then you can actually make plans.

People can be so rude but ultimately if they wanted to be there or valued your invitation they’d say yes.

Recently I had an ‘I’ll try’ response to a planned, formal event a couple of months away. Marked them down as a no.

Original poster
Countryescape · 15/11/2019 08:02

@scubadive that is really rude :( I just figure if people want to see you, they will make the effort, Its not that hard to send a text or spend 1 hour catching up. But a lot of people these days are obsessed with being busy. When in reality, they're not that busy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Countryescape · 15/11/2019 08:04

@StripedTopRedLips you are correct! Honestly I'm not even that bothered! I was just trying to make an effort and be nice which annoys me more!! There will be zero effort from me from today.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 15/11/2019 08:10

It’s incredibly rude. As is saying yes then swapping to a more exciting event nearer the time. Either accept and maintain commitment unless an emergency happens, explain why commitment is a challenge (eg changing work shifts) or politely decline.
It’s awful leaving people not knowing of feeling like they’re second best option.

StripeyTopRedLips · 15/11/2019 08:13

foxatthewindow

Honestly, you don’t have to take that kind of behaviour from them.

fartingrainbows · 15/11/2019 08:13

I guess I sort of do this because I often struggle to get babysitters (for a child free event) could it be something like that? I do explain that though.

Otherwise, rude and sounds like they're keeping you on hold in case of a better offer.

If they're a good friend I suppose you could call them out...say "what?! In case you get a better offer? 😂😂" and see if they explain themselves further. Otherwise though, your reply is spot on, let them know that you won't be hanging around as their back up plan.

couchparsnip · 15/11/2019 08:14

I used to have a friend who I would make plans with and she would 'forget' about them if a different offer came up. I would be waiting in a cafe and see 'Shopping trip with Jamie' on facebook.

We don't meet up any more.

diddl · 15/11/2019 08:14

Yeah, that's rude.

That was a good response.

"I'll take that as a no" would have been what I would have wanted to reply.

Singlebutmarried · 15/11/2019 08:18

I do respond a bit non committal.

If within a few days if a fri/sat it’ll depend on DH and when he gets back from work (works abroad sometimes and planes get delayed) and Saturdays depend on if he’s got an early flight on the Sunday.

I can’t commit months in advance for the same reasons as above. The contracts change frequently so quite often I don’t have a clue as to whether we’re available or not.

Stuckinanutshell · 15/11/2019 08:21

Yeah it’s so rude. My mother actually does this to me. I invite her over for the evening (small baby, single mother) and she’ll say ‘Can I let you know?’ Or ‘I think that’ll be ok’ - she’ll then ‘cancel’ and I’ll later find out she’s had friends over. So yes, it’s ‘I AM free but there is a chance of a better opportunity so I’m going to be vague’.

I’ve stopped inviting her now and she’s constantly asking me to do things. I’m always busy.

GabriellaMontez · 15/11/2019 08:25

I had a friend who used to say "that should be ok"

And would never actually confirm either way.
I don't invite her anymore.

Potnoodledoo · 15/11/2019 08:29

I used to have a friend who would say see you at 3.Turn up and leave at 3.30.She she would shoe horn about 10 appointments in.And it felt rushed.I dont bother anymore.