To end a relationship over this?

[ragazza1234]

My partner is very particular about a lot of things, including our home.

For example, no drops can be made on the floor when getting out of the shower, if there are drops they must be immediately wiped to they don't leave marks.
Kitchen must be cleaned with two separate sprays, one general spray (surfaces) and one metal spray (sink). She cannot understand why I would ever use a general spray for both, we even had an argument about it. For me, it's not the end of the world, does the same job.
Clothes must be picked up and put away directly after shower. If I leave them on the bed whilst I make dinner, she says that I am leaving a mess and always has to clear up after me. (I'd have put them away after dinner and before bed).
Hair must be swept off the bathroom floor immediately after drying. Immediately.
When I put a wash on: why have you used that setting? why did you wash such a small amount of items? (there were no other whites and the towels needed to be washed for guests.) Have you used the correct detergent?
When packing for holiday, clothes must be folded and packed into separate plastic bags, shoes into shoe bags, nothing must be loose.
etc
etc.
I'm a relatively tidy person, I care a lot about my home, buy nice things for it, and will always wash up directly after dinner, wipe down surfaces before bed, do a big tidy/clean at the weekends. So pretty normal in terms of cleanliness, certainly not dirty.

It might seem small, but the constant questions/being checked up on/fear of doing something wrong in my own house is really getting me down. I can't clean or tidy without some question about whether I've done it right. I'm starting to question whether we can go on like this. I have tried explaining that I prefer to do things differently - we are from different countries so perhaps a cultural thing - but she cannot understand that I am more relaxed about these things. It's like I'm an alien and I am always completely wrong. Things must be done her way, or not at all.

So - AIBU? Are these normal things to get het up about, and am I the sloth? Is this normal when sharing a house, or is some compromise reasonable?!
(F-F relationship, if that matters)

I'd end a relationship with anyone who had to have things done their own way or no way. She seems very inflexible..

They would drive me mad. There’s always a bit of negotiation when you move in together, but it sounds like you might be too far apart for it to work.

I couldn't live like this, I would be constantly on edge. Often the tidier person in a relationship has no idea how controlling they are being, as there always seems to be an automatic presumption that tidiest is always best. I don't believe that's true, I think you need to meet each other in the middle in a relationship (unless one of you is actually a disgusting pig, which it doesn't sound like you are). I'd be having a serious talk about whether a compromise can be found.

I think it depends if you feel you can live that way under those “rules”, which are her rules and not yours. Comprise is part of a relationship but your partners clean freak tendencies are pretty extreme.

Personally I do like a clean tidy house but there’s no way I could live in circumstances where I can’t leave a drop of water on the bathroom floor or I have to clean up dinner 5 seconds after I’d finished eating. If my partner was on at me about that I’d be to stressed, anxious and generally pretty annoyed with them ... which over time would end things.

I couldn't live like that tbh. Might be a relationship that is better suited to you living apart - there's nothing wrong with that.

Damn! Just saw the F-F as I was going to ask you to move in with me instead.

It certainly seems very excessive to me. It's not cultural; it's her way if doing it.
And ultimately you can end a relationship for any reason you like. I couldn't live like that and wouldn't relax in my own home either.
Have you tried talking to her first?

I'd leave her, and her kitchen sprays to it.

My bag would be packed.

She has ocd. Have a chat. If she doesn't recognise that this is extreme ltb

No I couldn’t live like that. Have you told her how it’s making you feel and that you are considering leaving over it?

She has ocd.

You don’t know that. Some people are just very particular about how they like things done.

My other half is not like this but less so since I explained how much stress and actual distress it can cause. It's taken a few conversations over the years to find a balance and still there are times it comes up again. You need to be absolutely clear in your own head and then with her about how you want to live. Then be brave enough to walk away if that isn't something she can live with. It's not a minor issue - it affects how you are in the very place you need to be able to be yourself. Explain that to her.

I think I just wanted some perspective on this, so thanks everyone for your comments. I wouldn't say she is OCD herself, but her mum and sister almost definitely have OCD tendencies and I guess she grew up in that environment. We have spoken about it but as @pigsknickers said, there's a presumption that cleaner is right, so it's a bit of a losing battle.
She often says to friends that she is 'a lot' and I do have to put up with quite a lot, so she does recognise it, but I haven't really seen any change. And of course, why should she change for me any more than I should change for her? This is the bit I'm struggling with.

Thank you @justfornowiguess, good advice!

She is being completely unreasonable. Sounds like she might have OCD? Has she lived with partners previously? How did that go?

I couldn't live like that tbh. Always being on edge and constantly questioned sounds awful. I admit I'd have to leave.

That would drive me crazy. You seem like a normal tidy/clean person and she sounds like she's OCD and a clean freak.

You aren't compatible and if you can't even relax in your own home I would end the relationship.

This affects every aspect of home.

You are incompatible. If you leave any amount of mess she gets very stressed. Clearing up to her standards makes you very stressed.

Neither of you are wrong. And I suspect both of you would really struggle living with me and my slovenly ways. But living together is making both of you miserable. Home should be your safe refuge from the stresses of the outside world. It isn't for either of you right now.

I'd not want to be in a relationship with someone I didn't live with long term. So for me, moving out would be the end of the relationship

Living with someone like that sounds exhausting.

You literally cannot do anything right!

If you can't feel comfortable in your own home, then I would end the relationship.

Your partner sounds like me although I do not mind day to day mess (which I tidy in the evening), and do not mind doing the cleaning myself. I cannot focus in a messy environment at all, is she the same? Tell her that shes putting you on edge with this. You should be able to be open and honest I feel.

This must be very hard to live with. Everyone has different rules for living and nobody can realistically expect this compliance from another person. I developed OCD postnatally after the birth of my daughter and to be honest this sounds like OCD ritual behaviour.

Also OCD is not something you are its something that can develop, it's an illness not a personality trait and it doesn't have only one form, so I wouldn't dismiss and say she just "isn't OCD", I think she would benefit from talking to someone about this.

How long have you lived together OP? Reason I ask is my wife and I are quite different and it took us a while to settle into each other's ways of doing things (also a female couple). Not quite as extreme as yours seems but it would depend if your partner is willing to try to be a bit adaptable herself, not just you adapting to her preferences? Good luck

I really don't think it's actual OCD, I think it's just haveing been brought up in a very clean home that makes these things the norm to her. Which is what makes it so difficult to reason with. It's like - but WHY would you do it any other way? The correct thing to do is tidy immediately. Why would you not? To which I don't have a response, other than... It just doesn't bother me that much ahaha

For me this would be relationship ending.

It boils down to being able to relax in my own home. I absolutely couldn’t countenance all of those rules.

Relationships are about compatibility as well as compromise and frankly that environment would be entirely incompatible with my mental health.