To end a relationship over this?

[ragazza1234]

My partner is very particular about a lot of things, including our home.

For example, no drops can be made on the floor when getting out of the shower, if there are drops they must be immediately wiped to they don't leave marks.
Kitchen must be cleaned with two separate sprays, one general spray (surfaces) and one metal spray (sink). She cannot understand why I would ever use a general spray for both, we even had an argument about it. For me, it's not the end of the world, does the same job.
Clothes must be picked up and put away directly after shower. If I leave them on the bed whilst I make dinner, she says that I am leaving a mess and always has to clear up after me. (I'd have put them away after dinner and before bed).
Hair must be swept off the bathroom floor immediately after drying. Immediately.
When I put a wash on: why have you used that setting? why did you wash such a small amount of items? (there were no other whites and the towels needed to be washed for guests.) Have you used the correct detergent?
When packing for holiday, clothes must be folded and packed into separate plastic bags, shoes into shoe bags, nothing must be loose.
etc
etc.
I'm a relatively tidy person, I care a lot about my home, buy nice things for it, and will always wash up directly after dinner, wipe down surfaces before bed, do a big tidy/clean at the weekends. So pretty normal in terms of cleanliness, certainly not dirty.

It might seem small, but the constant questions/being checked up on/fear of doing something wrong in my own house is really getting me down. I can't clean or tidy without some question about whether I've done it right. I'm starting to question whether we can go on like this. I have tried explaining that I prefer to do things differently - we are from different countries so perhaps a cultural thing - but she cannot understand that I am more relaxed about these things. It's like I'm an alien and I am always completely wrong. Things must be done her way, or not at all.

So - AIBU? Are these normal things to get het up about, and am I the sloth? Is this normal when sharing a house, or is some compromise reasonable?!
(F-F relationship, if that matters)

I think people who are like this who want relationships should live alone. You can still have a relationship living in different houses, and that way everything is done to your liking and you don't have to make someone else live in constant fear. Obviously that is if you can't fix the problem through therapy etc first.

Your partner sounds quite similar to my DD who's 22 and definitely wasn't brought up in a spotless home! Home has always been just the two of us and I'm moderately tidy. With DD it's definitely a way of controlling what she's able to control, and started when she was very young. Because I was on my own, she was in a nursery from two months old, all through the year apart from my holidays, and I think that's where it started. She had zero control over so much of her time that she endeavoured to make her home life as much within her own control as she could.

I do feel guilty about this now, but that's not much use. I have found some aspects a bit tricky - every drawer in our entire house is labelled, all my drawers and wardrobes are sorted (which means I often can't find what I want) and all my books have recently been ordered alphabetically by author and small labels stuck on shelves.

I do wonder how a future partner will deal with it, and she is able to compromise on certain things - but she still has an ingrained belief that her way is better and superior, because it's so neat and tidy.

Older lesbian speaking. I left a relationship for the opposite reason. I had a partner who couldn't let anything go and treated our home like a storeroom – old bits of wood, ancient furniture that she intended to renovate one day, things that might come in useful in the future... We had stuff on every surface. I'm not a particularly houseproud or tidy person but she'd just walk in, put whatever she was carrying down on a surface and there it would stay in perpetuity if I didn't tidy it up or put it away. We lasted nearly five years until finally I admitted she wasn't going to change and that I didn't want to spend my life picking up and clearing up and secretly disposing of rubbish.

Your partner won't and can't change. My partner felt safe surrounded by stuff. She didn't see the clutter. I felt overwhelmed by it. Your partner only feels safe and in control by keeping your home like a show home with no sign of life. She's not going to loosen up. It's controlling and I couldn't live with it. If you're paying half the rent or half the mortgage you should be able to relax in your own home.

I now live with a partner whose expectations of cleanliness and tidiness are closer to mine and although we do have the occasional argument around cleaning it's not a major issue. I'd suggest you move on.

Some compromise is surely the key here and if she can't do that, then I think you do have a bigger problem.

eg, the two sprays thing - sounds ridiculous to me, but I can easily see DH wanting that if he knew there were different sprays! . It doesn't really affect you so just go with it.

But not being allowed to get dressed before Bathroom is perfectly clean etc surely is a step too far?

Similarly, if the bedroom being sparkling is an issue for her, a compromise could be that you have a small chest/laundry basket you can put stuff that yo agree to tidy/empty daily.

But without compromise this isn't going to end well.

I'm just realising I'm the same as your partner about the shower. It was one of the issues DH and I used to argue about. I hate random wet patches on the floor. So obviously I think she's perfectly reasonable about that . . .but the micro-managing of how you do tasks (washing; cleaning the sink, etc) isn't usual or healthy.

she still has an ingrained belief that her way is better and superior, because it's so neat and tidy.

This is the most frustrating thing because it can be horrible to be on the receiving end of. The fixed idea that there is only one correct way of doing things and any other solution is wrong.

I still have to help my mother put her duvet cover on every week because her way of doing it takes two people and it's quite finicky. I've showed her over and over the way I do it which takes seconds for one person but "NO, that isn't the right way to do it. It MUST be done like this" and there is a real air of superiority and a condescending tone when she says it.

Poor you

I lived with a man like this and eventually i had to leave (after i had his child) i hated every minute living with him and the anxiety brought on by this was awful. Needless to say he still single, living in a very nice pristine 4 bedroom house by himself (even his mum agree's he's too much for anyone).. i just feel sorry for him!

Admittedly im no clean freak and my fiance is a lot tidier than me but he knows we are different and if he wants something cleaned before i get to it he will clean it himself and pick up after me without prejudice. Compromise is the key and if she cannot do that then you don't have a future living together.

My mother was like this. It was exhausting, her rules would be for things that were invisible (like the inside of the airing cupboard, which affected NOBODY on a day to day basis). She'd shout and get irate if her 'rules' weren't followed - to this day I can't take anything out of an airing cupboard. If I slid anything out of the carefully stacked clothes it would be 'this is a MESS! Why can nobody leave things ALONE' blah blah blah (because I needed a clean pair of knickers or a towel, mother).

It was a control issue with her. She felt she had little day to day control over her life, so she rigidly controlled those things she could. It was awful. I sympathise, OP, and I'd get out, before you are left with life-long airing cupboard issues...

I couldn't live like this.

As others have said, it's the feeling of being micro managed and controlled. There are always different expectations when you move in together and most people meet somewhere in the middle. Eg my husband had a habit of leaving folded clothes lying about anywhere and everywhere for a week before he puts them away. Now I just ask him to take them upstairs and at least its restricted to one room - he now puts them away after a day or two as well instead of a week. I am awful at filing papers, my natural habit is to open letters and leave them lying around. It pisses my husband off. I now try and throw ones away that I dont need and put them all somewhere at least in one neat pile before I can tackle them.

What behaviour does she modify round the house to fit in with your expectations? Why does it piss her off that much if your clothes are on the bed while you have a shower, if she isn't using that room? Her level of detail in her rules is ridiculous - as long as something gets done, what is the difference between immediate or 20 minutes. Why does she think she gets to set the rules of the house all on her own and why does she think she gets to force you to comply with them?

So to answer your question I dont think you would be unreasonable to end a relationship for this, someone micro managing everything you do at home would be too much for most people. Maybe you could ask if she would do counselling first or something if everything else in the relationship is good

Bloody hell, I like a clean and tidy house but thats taking it to another level!!!

I couldn't live like that, and I think she's being obsessive and controlling, but that's just me.
I think this is more an issue of you each not understanding how the other feels. If she's doing something that's really stressing you out regularly, and doesn't want to try to find a compromise to alleviate that stress, then there's an issue in the relationship that's nothing to do with cleaning. It's about respecting v controlling you.
Assuming you're willing to meet her halfway, then a healthy relationship would dictate that she should be willing to reciprocate.
A 'My way or the highway' attitude is a perfectly good reason to leave a relationship. It's the attitude that's the issue, not the subject area (ie cleaning)

is you partner in the military /forces by any chance as she does sound very regimental with everything? The reason I ask is because forces people are very exact because of their training, it's drummed into them! They literally have to retrain themselves to be more relaxed at home!

hahahaha. No. They aren't. I mean some are. But the rest? nope.

I think I’d get to couples counseling. She needs to give way and compromise which is possible if she realizes how far she’s gone.

I have lived with someone very OCD and tidy and I do clear up a lot after myself more than I would normally. However I shower the way I like and use whatever spray I want.

I think this can be worked on I wouldn’t be out of the door without trying.

I also couldn't live like this. Leaving aside a condition like OCD (and I can't tell and wouldn't presume to try to diagnose), I think behaviour like this is actually very selfish and aggressive.

The idea that one person has the right to be the arbiter of all standards of living is totally preposterous to me. The walking on eggshells feeling generated when you have to endlessly check yourself is one thing but its wider than that, its her basically saying you have to follow all of her rules because she is the responsible adult.

Yes some of her ideas are probably sensible and no doubt you could step a bit in some areas, but she doesn't get to be the ultimate authority on everything and some compromise is a part of living together.

I think you have to sit her down and tell her how stressful it is making life for you and impart to her that if she can't compromise a little on some of these things your relationship will not survive.

If she didn’t realise before how badly you were doing things, it means that actually therebisnt much of a difference between your way and her way.

I know I’ve had to learn to let DH doing things his way rather than mines, even if I have to grit my teeth sometimes. And to only intervene when it is actually a REAL issue for me.
I believe that when people are doing things, they should be allowed to do it their way and failed if it is that bad (or maybe their way is better!.

Of things that could be considered minor but are annoying me

• the way DH is putting the washing to dry. It’s just all wrong . But I don’t say anything.
• DH putting a lot of towels to wash wo conditioner. I intervene because said towels end up really stiff and not nice (no dryer here). And when they are also the ones I use for work then it’s no negotiable for me.

I think you need to BOTH make an effort. Some times she needs to let go and let you get in with things wo any comment (eg have you use the right washing powder for the clothes - unless it’s a special wash like wool and you’ve messed it up before). Some times, you need to listen to her and see that it IS a big issue for her (eg you might be happy to leave your clothes in the bed but if that means she ends always tidying up behind you, maybe you should make an effort)

And of course, why should she change for me any more than I should change for her?

Well, because you are in a relationship and relationships involve change and compromise. The question you both have to ask yourselves is are you willing to make the compromises needed to make each other happy. If neither of you are willing to do that, then the relationship is already over. If one of you is expecting the other to make all the compromises, that's an unhealthy relationship. But if you can talk about it and come to an agreement that you are both willing to work at, then you can make a go of it.

Thanks for all your replies everyone. Yes, apart from the cleaning thing and a few other minor things we get on really well and I do love her. The real problem is that until this is resolved it is creating a lot of resentment on my part that is overflowing into other areas.
I have mentioned counselling before, mainly because I don't see it as a big deal but rather a logical way to reach an agreement and discuss with another person so we can both move forward. She sees it as a big thing, as I suppose a lot of people do, like a last-ditch resort.

OP it may not be this way, but your posts read like you do most of the work (you do the cooking, you do a big tidy/clean at the weekend) while she criticises. That's not fair.

And I don't think she has OCD either. The C stands for compulsive - the sufferer simply has to do whatever it is themselves, or they can't relax. She just has very rigid ways of thinking and doing things.

If she isn't willing to compromise, and it's her way or the highway, then you have to ask yourself some serious questions about how much the relationship means to you in other ways. But even if you decided to put up with it now, it sounds like the resentment would get to you in time, and resentment is a great relationship killer.

She sees it as a big thing, as I suppose a lot of people do, like a last-ditch resort.

But it is becoming that due to complete inability to change on her part!

I'd say suggest counselling one more time; and tell her that it IS now a last-ditch attempt on your part. If she won't engage, you have your answer.

It's one thing being a clean freak, but the key question is 'is she an arsehole?'.

Being a clean freak is nothing to end a relationship over. But it is a test. Can you discuss it nicely? Can you agree on a reasonable middle ground?

If it ABSOLUTELY ALL has to done HER WAY or she'll make your life unbearable, and if there's NO COMPROMISE or discussion or listening to reason, then she's also an arsehole. That would mean a dumping.

God I was just gonna write something similar!

I’ve lived dp for 16yrs. I never noticed as much when going out with him.
The only thing I noticed was if he stayed at mine fri night, he’d have to go home and come back later 3/4 clock. He said it was to check on his house, it wasn’t till later living with him I found out it was because he had to go on indoor exercise bike

FF to now
I’ve found out routine is massive to him, in the way of I now his daily routine.
7/7.30 get up, shower, breakfast put wash in machine
internet till 9am, Washington on radiator or outside
Indoor exercise bike
10am shops
After shops, he may hoover around
Lunch 11.45/12
After lunch, he will now have something planned for himself 2/3 days(just recently, after numerous arguments)
He comes back around 3/4pm
Internet till 4.45/5pm
Shall I put oven on, get things started for tea.
He used to sit there till I made it(words sorted that)
6.30 kitchen his domain,
Another wash, what’s in basket from morning!!
6.45am shower
7pm goes for walk round block
Comes back makes a brew back on internet till 10.45pm, goes out to check cars! Locks up tidy round
11pm up to bed

I too may have my routine but it’s not to a set time religiously, if I’m doing something or don’t want my tea then I could have it at 7/8 pm
bed is anytime.

Yesterday we went out shopping to a Centre about 20 miles from home for a change.
All was fine until !
The car window in my side was misted up and he said
“ if you got cloth you can wipe that”
So I get his cloth from the well in the car,
I caught the look on his face, it was like thunder and the look he threw me he said
“ I didn’t mean that one, I thought you had one”
Like I carry cloths in my bag!!
I knew this was because I’d messed his well up, to get the cloth out.
I told him he needs to chill out, it’s a cloth he can put it back exactly where it was.
I’m dare not touch anything of his, he knows exactly how he leaves them
Why have u been in my wardrobe, is another no no
Would rather take me somewhere if my car is in garage, than lend me one of his 2 cars. But he can use mine.

How do I comprimise, with him, when what’s his is his and you don’t touch,
but it’s ok for him to touch/take mine(not a big problem for me)
I feel now I’m becoming as petty as him, it’s like what’s yours is ours
What’s mine is my own.

Sorry for highjacking your thread

OP I really would persevere with this and perhaps try counselling, if in other aspects of your relationship you are happy and in love. To my shame I used to be like your DP and I would say the first year or two that my husband and I lived with each other I gave him hell for being (in my eyes) untidy. He's not actually, he's just got "normal" standards; in fact if I'm honest cleaner/ tidier than average. I was very much like your partner; had lived alone for a while, was very house proud (fanatically so) and as far as I was concerned things had to be done my way because that was the right way and the only way.

Over those first couple of years it did gradually dawn on me that we could live in a spotless, pristine house, but my DH would be miserable with me going on at him all the time, and what was the point of that?Better to let things slide a bit and be happy. Happiness is everything, it's not easy to find sometimes!

I hope the two of you manage to find a way through.

My OH is a bit of a tidy freak, and I'm very messy. He finds my house stressful. I have explained that I find his house unhomely and and a bit sterile. We can obviously never live together.

BUT - the big difference is, he doesn't impose it on me. If he wants to tidy up, I let him crack on. He doesn't tell me what to do. Obviously I don;t tell him not to tidy up either, I just leave him to it. My general reaction to someone wanting something done a specific way is 'do it yourself then'.

I couldn't live like that, I would have to leave. You could have a relationship where you didn't live together?