To end a relationship over this?

[ragazza1234]

My partner is very particular about a lot of things, including our home.

For example, no drops can be made on the floor when getting out of the shower, if there are drops they must be immediately wiped to they don't leave marks.
Kitchen must be cleaned with two separate sprays, one general spray (surfaces) and one metal spray (sink). She cannot understand why I would ever use a general spray for both, we even had an argument about it. For me, it's not the end of the world, does the same job.
Clothes must be picked up and put away directly after shower. If I leave them on the bed whilst I make dinner, she says that I am leaving a mess and always has to clear up after me. (I'd have put them away after dinner and before bed).
Hair must be swept off the bathroom floor immediately after drying. Immediately.
When I put a wash on: why have you used that setting? why did you wash such a small amount of items? (there were no other whites and the towels needed to be washed for guests.) Have you used the correct detergent?
When packing for holiday, clothes must be folded and packed into separate plastic bags, shoes into shoe bags, nothing must be loose.
etc
etc.
I'm a relatively tidy person, I care a lot about my home, buy nice things for it, and will always wash up directly after dinner, wipe down surfaces before bed, do a big tidy/clean at the weekends. So pretty normal in terms of cleanliness, certainly not dirty.

It might seem small, but the constant questions/being checked up on/fear of doing something wrong in my own house is really getting me down. I can't clean or tidy without some question about whether I've done it right. I'm starting to question whether we can go on like this. I have tried explaining that I prefer to do things differently - we are from different countries so perhaps a cultural thing - but she cannot understand that I am more relaxed about these things. It's like I'm an alien and I am always completely wrong. Things must be done her way, or not at all.

So - AIBU? Are these normal things to get het up about, and am I the sloth? Is this normal when sharing a house, or is some compromise reasonable?!
(F-F relationship, if that matters)

It's also not so much the differences, but insisting it's done her way.

I would have thought that as long as it gets done (eg the kitchen is cleaned), then the how is up to whoever is doing it.

DH is still like this, I just ignore and do my own thing now. Heating on really low when I get up. I wait until he goes to work and turn it up, and when it's really cold, like now, leave it at 15 while I'm out, then turn it off before he comes back. We don't have a tumble dryer, so I need it to dry the DC's uniforms too.

She sounds like a narcissist, it's her way or the wrong way. I would run for the hills this sounds suffocating. She won't change because she'll only ever see things from her view.

This sounds like my husband. I’ve been advised that when I clean my teeth, or wash my mitts that I splash too much and I must wipe it up!!!! I tell him to get lost and that is absolutely ridiculous to expect someone to dry the sink.

He does my head in and I can see your frustration OP I really can. It’s as if they have gut OCD but they expect you to deal with it to and that’s not fair. Tidy = right and that’s his ‘argument’ too.... 🙄

From experience it can work if you can both agree that the person who is bothered by it, deals with it without resentment, comment or nagging.
This is easier if person A wants cleaning done to a certain standard, and person B wants something like nutrition/food/cooking to a certain standard, so neither feels like they are doing all the work.
If either side continues to feel resentment though, it could be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

You could try moving to a house where you have separate bathrooms / having an extra bathroom fitted at your current house, which would deal with your differing standards of cleaning a bathroom after you've had a shower providing you can both agree that each other's bathroom is their domain and not to be interfered with.

Do you have any surface other than your bed to put stuff on in your bedroom? I have a little sympathy with the clothes on the bed thing, if you share a bed, but you could remedy that if you had a chair or somewhere else in your bedroom that's yours to put stuff.

And then it looks to me like a question of boundaries - how you pack isn't her concern - you're a grown up, able to pack for yourself in a way that works for you. How you run the washing machine isn't her problem, unless you're washing her clothes as well as your own / you're on a very tight income and efficient loading of the washing machine matters. There's a combination here of her needing to learn where she ends and you begin and you being able to tell her 'no'.

My DH is like this. I left him when we were dating and he promised he would change. He didn't. I usually just ignore him. His mother is the same but she is narcissistic. My DH lets it go if I tell him to leave it whereas his mother goes crazy. Which I think Is the difference. Just don't do it the way she wants. If she gets mad then you have a problem. I didn't read the whole tread so don't know if you mentioned culture but if she is east European then there may be a cultural element.

Leave before it becomes a massive issue and before she has the chance to indoctrinate any kids you have. The poor child will have massive hang ups and insecurities with a mother like that.

How much do you want the relationship to continue? Could you try counselling? Are there aspects of your relationship that fill you with joy? Do they make all this cleaning and micro-managing worth it?

I think both of you have to accept the other person for who they are and maybe that's not quite happening right now.

If you were going to discuss it again, maybe I'd go in with "it's not really about what's "right" in terms of cleaning the house, the issue is, I am more relaxed about extreme cleanliness than you and I want to live that way. I know I'm not a disgusting slob and I do and will clean up after myself but on my own timeframe."

I think her tidying your clothes away when you're in the shower is extreme - that's about her need and her issue to deal with. Have you talked through how she feels when you leave your clothes on the bed? Like what's going on for her there?

@granadagirl I really think you could benefit from starting a thread!!

This kind of reminds me of me a little! I am a bit of a clean freak. My partner is tidy but not a sucker for cleanliness! Our home is under a very slow renovation so that makes things difficult!

I can be uptight about cleanliness. People coming into the house with their shoes on sends my anxiety into overdrive! Anyway i’ve learned (especially now I have a baby!) that I needed to chill a bit and not be so uptight if the dishes aren’t done immediately after dinner. I lived on my own for years and I think having things my own way for so long made it difficult to compromise initially. Sounds like your partner needs to loosen up a bit too and appreciate the effect this controlling behaviour has on you,

Have to say it’s still bothers me when he leaves his dirty clothes on the floor. The wash basket is two feet away!

I lived with someone like this for 3 years. I realised in time it was because his parents struggled a lot and their house was a bit grim, the minute we had a niceish home he wanted it kept like a Barratt showhome. I think it was a status thing. Got to the point where he didn’t like me using anything but paper plates or plastic cutlery because he couldn’t bear to see pots for more than 2 minutes and was obsessive about any clutter at all, even a magazine or book on the floor. At that point I exited stage left ! OP, you need to tell your partner get obsessive cleanliness is making you feel unrelaxed at home and either she toned it down or suggest keeping the relationship but not live together

I couldn’t live like that.

DP is tidier than me (I come from a messy family, so believe it’s genetic) but what you describe sounds obsessive.

LTB

I couldn’t live like this - it’s far too controlling and obsessive. Bathroom floors get water on them. What exactly is she afraid will happen if she relinquishes control a bit and a water splash is on the floor for a few days? It does sound like a bit of a compulsion. My mum had OCD so I totally empathise with how exhausting it is to try and meet the standards when they aren’t ones that you share or even see the point of. My mum once cried with frustration when I opened teabags and let the tea dust in the cellophane go on the worktop. I was about 12 and utterly baffled.

Sounds like my control freak sister in law