To end a relationship over this?

[ragazza1234]

My partner is very particular about a lot of things, including our home.

For example, no drops can be made on the floor when getting out of the shower, if there are drops they must be immediately wiped to they don't leave marks.
Kitchen must be cleaned with two separate sprays, one general spray (surfaces) and one metal spray (sink). She cannot understand why I would ever use a general spray for both, we even had an argument about it. For me, it's not the end of the world, does the same job.
Clothes must be picked up and put away directly after shower. If I leave them on the bed whilst I make dinner, she says that I am leaving a mess and always has to clear up after me. (I'd have put them away after dinner and before bed).
Hair must be swept off the bathroom floor immediately after drying. Immediately.
When I put a wash on: why have you used that setting? why did you wash such a small amount of items? (there were no other whites and the towels needed to be washed for guests.) Have you used the correct detergent?
When packing for holiday, clothes must be folded and packed into separate plastic bags, shoes into shoe bags, nothing must be loose.
etc
etc.
I'm a relatively tidy person, I care a lot about my home, buy nice things for it, and will always wash up directly after dinner, wipe down surfaces before bed, do a big tidy/clean at the weekends. So pretty normal in terms of cleanliness, certainly not dirty.

It might seem small, but the constant questions/being checked up on/fear of doing something wrong in my own house is really getting me down. I can't clean or tidy without some question about whether I've done it right. I'm starting to question whether we can go on like this. I have tried explaining that I prefer to do things differently - we are from different countries so perhaps a cultural thing - but she cannot understand that I am more relaxed about these things. It's like I'm an alien and I am always completely wrong. Things must be done her way, or not at all.

So - AIBU? Are these normal things to get het up about, and am I the sloth? Is this normal when sharing a house, or is some compromise reasonable?!
(F-F relationship, if that matters)

Wow. I can't imagine living like that.

Does she have any redeeming features? Why do you do what you're told? Are you afraid to challenge her? If so, why is that, because that's not healthy at all!

My DH complained recently, that I don't "clear up as I go along" when I make the dinner. I prefer to just concentrate on the cooking and I'll load the dishwasher after we've eaten. My response was "fuck off and cook it yourself then". He hasn't said the same thing again.

My DH has been sorting out a few bits and bobs, and our armchair has been covered in clothes/Iphone/games now, for about 2 weeks. It looks messy. All I've said to him, is that I want it all cleared up before we go away next week. He agreed.

Do you ever have fun with her? Have a laugh? Make a mess? Me and my DH watch TV / talk / drink wine / munch on crisps in the evening, and we both joke in the morning about the state of the crime scene. Whoever is out of bed first clears it up, and the day starts tidy.

Anyway, to answer your question...Yes, I would end a relationship over this. She sounds boring and a nag, and quite frankly it must be like living with your mother rather than your lover.

How does the conversation go, when you don't use the correct cleaning product/do it to her standard?

I have tried explaining that I prefer to do things differently - we are from different countries so perhaps a cultural thing - but she cannot understand that I am more relaxed about these things. It's like I'm an alien and I am always completely wrong.

This has nothing to do with culture.
Your partner has serious OCD.

I don't know if she will accept this, but she needs therapy - likely CBT.

As for you, it is less about someone else's cleaning compulsion, & more about being constantly being made to be in the wrong. Unless your partner is prepared to get help with the reasons why she does that to you ... well, it's not going to get better on its own, is it?

Your partner has serious OCD.

You can’t know that. OCD is more than just being clean and liking things done your way.

I couldn’t live like that. I’m not dirty and I like to have things in their place, but I can live with a little bit of clutter and disorder. DH is more on top of things than me (ie. if he sees something needs to be tidied he does it immediately, rather than prioritising other tasks). We work well together because he lets my occasional messiness slide, and appreciates that when I do tasks, I do them much more thoroughly than him so whilst he keeps on top of the day to day, I am better at the bigger but less frequent jobs.

How is she with other aspects of life? Would you say she’s happy in general or could some sort of stress be causing her to be pushing for control over things like this at home?

I guess it depends how strong your relationship is in spite of this. Does it overshadow everything else or can you have a bit of a laugh about it and accept it as a (pretty big) quirk?

I’m not trying to minimise at all and my answer would probably have been different if I hadn’t read this and thought immediately of one of my friends who is in a similar set up and is prepared to deal with that for now on the basis that the relationship is generally v good except for that.

No you're not. Do you love her aside from this OP? Because if you do then I'd suggest she gets some help for her issues surrounding cleanliness, perhaps then you could work things out.

SHE HAS OCD if she can't make things work for the both of you when it comes to house work and can't see your point of view then it means she is ether disrespectful or she has a mentol health issue and I believe that it's called OCD! She need help.

Well it sounds more like control than cleanliness specifically. I would wonder if she had something more going on like OCD or anxiety, but I wouldn't jump straight to the conclusion.

You can’t know that. OCD is more than just being clean and liking things done your way.

And OP's partner's symptoms are much more than just being clean, & liking things done her way.

DP? Is that you?

My STBXH is like this and this and other controlling behaviour is why I am ending the relationship. I am clean and tidy and always complimented as such, but he will pick on the silliest things and then tell me I am dirty and unhygienic and filthy because I won't tidy the boys' toys while they are playing. He wants one toy out a time and expects the others to be put away immediately when my DSs move on to another toy. It's the immediately and expecting it done at a rapid pace. I will still be in the bath grooming and he will come in complaining about the mess and cleaning up after me , when I say I am still in here and not done he says you are taking too long. I will be putting away dishes before I wipe down and sweep and mop the floor after dinner and he will come in and go on about how untidy and unhygienic I am when I'm still cleaning. I love my home and am house proud. Having a cushion out of place for 10 minutes while I do something else or while I relax is not an issue for me. You are always on eggshells and can't relax. He will make my children uncomfortable in their own home so I can't continue to live like that. YANBU

Oh God I couldn't live with her. You would not be unreasonable to walk away.

People like this i think would struggle to live with anyone unless they are happy doing things done how they want it for the other person. My bil is a nit o a neat freak, I don't think to this extent at all but he does like things done his way. However he is happy to do the cleaning or re-clean after sil as he knows its his hang ups and not normal to want things done this way.

Your partner sounds like she has OCD-like tendencies - which is essentially an external attempt to control internal anxiety.

It's not your problem. But can you live with it? Because it may be that it won't change.

It’s not a relationship it’s a dictatorship- leave

@ragazza1234 is you partner in the military /forces by any chance as she does sound very regimental with everything? The reason I ask is because forces people are very exact because of their training, it's drummed into them! They literally have to retrain themselves to be more relaxed at home!

Dad? Is that you?

Run for the wind, it's a miserable existence.

I couldn’t live like this and I consider myself a relatively tidy person. I do nag at my DH sometimes but that’s because he genuinely can be slovenly, getting on your case for leaving water droplets on the floor after a shower is bonkers.

I agree with some of her points, because doing it her way gives a benefit and is no extra effort. (Or very little extra effort.)

For example, no drops can be made on the floor when getting out of the shower, if there are drops they must be immediately wiped to they don't leave marks

Clothes must be picked up and put away directly after shower. If I leave them on the bed whilst I make dinner, she says that I am leaving a mess

Hair must be swept off the bathroom floor immediately after drying.

But those three aside, I agree she's being too controlling, and needs to get a grip.

Are you living with my ex? (Also F-F relationship) she was a control freak, I found out after I moved in with her and ignored all the red flags. I had to fully dry myself in the shower as standing on the bath mat with wet feet was a big no, constant passive aggressive digs and criticism at absolutely everything I did from how I wiped my own arse to how I made a chilli. I left. The relief was instant.

I have an aunt like this. She cleans compulsively as she clearly has undiagnosed anxiety and is an absolute control freak. However, she doesn't make the rest of the family do it. The clean thing is fine, the making you do it her way is not. It's not a home it's a prison of cleanliness rituals.

I'm sorry, I didn't realise what F-F meant until I read a post above. Clearly you aren't my Dad, but he has been miserable for most of the past 40 years and it was hard as a kid and young adult to grow up with someone so controlling too. I'm sure the attitude will somehow extend beyond the cleanliness and household issues too and will end up with you having to suppress alot of your emotions in order to keep the relationship going.

It’s clearly of critical importance to her that things are done this way. Is it really hard for you to do these things in line with her policies? Everyone has quirks.

Are you taking the criticism very personally rather than superficially as it’s not directed at you as a person, it’s directed at actions to keep the house in the way that she is obsessed with?

If this is her only fault, I’d be happy to go along with it. If there’s more to it, then perhaps reconsider.

Are you in love? Does she make you feel happy in other ways? She is being very very controlling and can't see how much this is hurting you and ultimately her, if you leave. Please try to have a conversation with her and see if things can be worked out. On the other hand if you aren't in love anymore leave. Be kind but be honest. It sounds like a relentlessly tough situation and you are going to have a straw that breaks the camels back soon. Hope you get it sorted.