To end a relationship over this?

[ragazza1234]

My partner is very particular about a lot of things, including our home.

For example, no drops can be made on the floor when getting out of the shower, if there are drops they must be immediately wiped to they don't leave marks.
Kitchen must be cleaned with two separate sprays, one general spray (surfaces) and one metal spray (sink). She cannot understand why I would ever use a general spray for both, we even had an argument about it. For me, it's not the end of the world, does the same job.
Clothes must be picked up and put away directly after shower. If I leave them on the bed whilst I make dinner, she says that I am leaving a mess and always has to clear up after me. (I'd have put them away after dinner and before bed).
Hair must be swept off the bathroom floor immediately after drying. Immediately.
When I put a wash on: why have you used that setting? why did you wash such a small amount of items? (there were no other whites and the towels needed to be washed for guests.) Have you used the correct detergent?
When packing for holiday, clothes must be folded and packed into separate plastic bags, shoes into shoe bags, nothing must be loose.
etc
etc.
I'm a relatively tidy person, I care a lot about my home, buy nice things for it, and will always wash up directly after dinner, wipe down surfaces before bed, do a big tidy/clean at the weekends. So pretty normal in terms of cleanliness, certainly not dirty.

It might seem small, but the constant questions/being checked up on/fear of doing something wrong in my own house is really getting me down. I can't clean or tidy without some question about whether I've done it right. I'm starting to question whether we can go on like this. I have tried explaining that I prefer to do things differently - we are from different countries so perhaps a cultural thing - but she cannot understand that I am more relaxed about these things. It's like I'm an alien and I am always completely wrong. Things must be done her way, or not at all.

So - AIBU? Are these normal things to get het up about, and am I the sloth? Is this normal when sharing a house, or is some compromise reasonable?!
(F-F relationship, if that matters)

Oh Christ I couldn't live like that. Also why is she telling you how to pack your own suitcase? Thankfully me and my DH seem to be about the same level on tidiness/cleaning/household chores

I couldn't live that way, I'm sorry OP :( Might be worth living apart instead?

She thinks she's right and you're wrong? Can't admit that a relationship means compromise?
If she cannot envisage ever shifting on these things yes, I'd end it. Sorry.

she's OCD

You cannot be OCD.
Why do people constantly use this phrase?!

This would be a deal breaker having to answer why you selected that wash cycle, which detergent, not having any drips of water when you get out of the shower, what are you supposed to do stand in the shower until you are dry?

The resentment is going to build over time and you will end up hating her, and being tense in your own home, realistically how long will it be before you start to avoid going home because you don't want to be quizzed on kitchen sprays again?

I couldn’t live like that; I’m quite particular about certain things in my house but I don’t expect my husband to follow these things and the same with the things he’s particular about.

@RedGal we've lived together for a little over a year now. Initially there were some problems but as I worked from home, I tended to clean and do washing etc during the day, so she didn't realise how (badly, apparently!) I did it. Now I work in an office so we arrive home at the same time and there's no hiding. I think you're right, another conversation is in order!!

@ChuckleBuckles Yes, apparently one should dry themselves in the shower and then step onto the mat! It was news to me too...

I’d run tbh. Not being able to relax in your own home is awful. It WILL get worse as your partner’s other faults (ie quirks you love about your partner now will irritate you in time) come to the surface as they naturally will.

You sound normal OP. She is being unreasonable. I read with interest because I am also very particular in my home but then realised that I am more like you than your partner. I wouldn't be able to live like that. If she isn't willing to meet you halfway I would end it. It's just impossible to live the way you are.

And of course, why should she change for me any more than I should change for her?

There's "changing" and there's compromising. Living with another person ALWAYS involves compromise. I would tell her honestly that her obsession with cleanliness is making you not want to live with her and try to find a compromise that allows you both to be happy. If you can't do that, well then your relationship's doomed to failure anyway.

My partner has some traits of OCD - she sounds a lot worse though . Over the years we have managed to find a middle ground . He now tidies the kitchen at night and goes round doing all his checks - I keep on top of the general stuff . Perhaps it’s time to let her be responsible for the areas she struggles with

@Bluelightdistrict - why can't she be OCD?

No, that sounds dreadful. My DP has much higher standards of cleanliness/tidiness than I, but he doesn't care how I clean up after myself as long as I do. You, however, sound like you're living in the army!

And of course, why should she change for me any more than I should change for her? This is the bit I'm struggling with.

Apply the ‘reasonable person’ test. Then leave her to it.

why can't she be OCD?

Because you can’t be an illness.
Could someone be measles, or be diabetes?

I think you need to have a discussion with her about this. I do think it's over the top. I also like a clean home but I couldn't cope with having to wash up and clean the kitchen immediately after eating. Also couldn't cope with having to wipe up drips after showering. If a couple of drips of water is marking the floor then I would suggest the flooring should be changed!!
She does sound like she has to have everything her way. How is she with other things, eg. choice of restaurant, film etc? Does she have to have her own way there too or is it "just" a cleaning issue?

I think if she's not prepared to compromise on this in some waythen you just aren't compatible.
I couldn't live like this forever so I'd have to end the relationship unless she was to start showing some signs of relaxing a bit.

That’s over the top.
My dh is quite particular,mostly about fingerprints on the cupboards or kitchen sides but he’s nowhere near as bad as this and has mellowed a lot .
I couldn’t imagine living on edge all the time

blimey, OP this all sounds really stressful. Have you had that conversation already? Because my answer would depend on that.

If you have already explained how stressful it is, and it's still a thing that your partner is insisting on, it would be a dealbreaker for me. I definitely don't think drying in the shower is a thing, and i definitely don't want anyone interfering with how i pack etc etc.

People don't actually change though, so even if you have the conversation and reach a compromise you may find the need to control how you live/clean may keep coming back.

If i were you, however, I'd have been gone after the 2nd time she tried to tell me how to do something.

You can leave a relationship for any reason at all if it's not working for you.

Whilst I agree with not leaving clothes/hair on the bathroom floor, the rest of it sounds ott.

Did you actually pack your case as wanted or leave it for them to do??

At just over a year, I would walk away.

No, cleaner isn't always right. How about more polluting as opposed to less polluting (separate sprays)? I would hate to have more chemicals than needed all over the kitchen. How about appropriate use of plastics as opposed to wasteful (the packing thing)?

And... your clothes are your clothes, in your home. Your washing machine is also yours and you can make a judgement call on when and how you use it.

Serious conversation where she needs to hear that all of this is not just her decision unless she is the only person living in the house.

@Auradal she's not like that at all in other areas, in fact I'm probably the one who makes decisions in regard to holidays, restaurants etc, she tends to sit back and let me decide that. It really is just the cleaning that is an issue

Not necessarily end a relationship, but an end to living together. I would find that environment tooo stressful to live in. It sounds as if she is so convinced her way is right that there is no middle ground. But she needs to understand that her rules are just rules she has made up - they aren't official or necessarily correct.
I wold set out to her wht your standard is - clean and reasonable tidy without feeling you have to pick things up the second you put them down etc. - that's too controlling and she needs to meet you in the middle.

I sympathise - my MIL was very similar she used to hover over you when you were drinking a cup of tea and the second you r finished she'd whip the cup form your hand and run to wash it up. Drove me nuts - but I didn't have to live with her.

I think it needs to be a serious conversation because if you plan to have children at any point she's going to have to relax or she will find it very stressful, because kids are messy, and they need to be allowed to be messy sometimes when they are playing.
It doesn;t sound like a happy state for either of you - you on edge in case she goes of on one about tidiness, her on edge in case you do something untidy or break one of her rules. So you need to have a good talk, and maybe live apart.

Just to be clear, I have always packed my own suitcase but the first time she saw mine she was shocked - although I never realised there was another way!! I tend to just fold clothes up, put in suitcase on top of each other etc. Now I put things in bags, because its just easier. Plus, to be fair, it does keep the, from getting creased ahah