Angry at husband waking me up

[Jadefeather7]

I don’t know if it’s pregnancy hormones or if I’m right to feel really angry. I feel totally exhausted these days and the nausea has started to set in especially in the evenings.

The night before last my husband woke up at 5am and went downstairs to get a drink. I mentioned that this had woken me up and that I couldn’t sleep after but didn’t make a big deal out of it. Last night I went to bed at 11pm. My husband ordered a pizza at 1am and slammed the door which was loud enough to wake me. When I wake up in a panic I’m not able to go to sleep after for hours. He knows this because it’s happened two or three times before. I was also feeling really sick ( mine is worse at night) so that made getting back to sleep harder.

He was sleeping in another room as he had been up late. I went in and had to shake him to wake him up. He’s a very heavy sleeper and can fall asleep within minutes whenever he wants. I told him he would need to deal with the baby in the morning but because he’s a heavy sleeper and often misses the baby crying and his alarm I had a feeling he wouldn’t do it. I finally went to sleep at 6.30am only to wake up every 15-20 mins worried that I had missed my baby crying. At 7.45 I went to wake the baby up (45 minutes after his usual wake up time) . He must have heard me and then started trying to get involved.

I feel really annoyed as I think he’s being really inconsiderate and not thinking about the fact that I need to rest right now. I also think he should have offered himself to look after the baby this morning. Am I being unreasonable?

Yes if i come in late at night from an evening out i keep the noise down so as not to wake any other family members. Standard consideration for others.

@Powerbunting I haven’t tried. A bit scared to to be honest. My husband can sleep through him screaming (he used to scream a lot in the early days before we put him on a routine and my husband would be fast asleep). I feel totally responsible for him and would be really upset if he was crying and I didn’t hear him. It’s possible I might still hear but what if I get into a deep sleep with the ear plugs?

To all the people who are criticising me for waking him up, I accept that was wrong. In the moment I just got so angry. I knew he would have no trouble sleeping again. If he had the trouble I have getting to sleep I don’t think I would have woken him. It’s not an excuse I know, but in the moment that’s what I was thinking and feeling.

YABU. You’re waking up both other family members yet you hate being woken up. One you woke up out of spite, the other is a baby who apparently is such a heavy sleeper both you & your husband wake up before him!

This thread is bonkers. He would have woken you up if he had to wee or made a piece of toast, I agree there is nothing he can do to please the Op unless it’s lights out & no movements allowed after 10pm

The op sounds dare I say it controlling - controlling everyone else’s sleep patterns because of her own reasons, but nobody dare disturb her chosen sleep pattern which is so strict she cannot move her bedtime back or forward an hour.

if you are awake get out of bed, don’t lie in bed that is the worst for insomnia. Go have a bath, develop your own relaxation routine. Read a book or something. But don’t go waking up other members of the family when they are asleep. It’s being massively hypocritical to expect everyone to pander to your ridiculous sleeping patterns & rules yet you have zero consideration for theirs.

You sound like you are in a state of rage tbh. It’s not a place of being reasonable.

I tend to believe if you were that exhausted you would have been able to get back to sleep. Nowhere in this thread have you said “I get insomnia” which is what staying up all night unable to sleep is.

It sounds like you are those controlling people who expect everyone to have to go to bed with you & use your light sleeping as an excuse to behave poorly - as referenced by what you describe as quite violently shaking another person awake. It speaks to having zero empathy for the very thing you hate.

Also waking your baby for this silly routine sounds so strict. Can you imagine how peaceful the morning would be if you just let everyone sleep soundly? You say the baby’s routine will be thrown out if he oversleeps - who says this about a baby ? I suspect it’s all about your preferred routine here

I want to know if your husband wakes you up in the night to wee? Is he allowed to get up ? I get he isn’t allowed to flush ! Lucky we usually wake up just to wee & not to poo huh

Gosh it’s crazy how people here are so anti- routines for children! The baby had been sleeping for 12.5 hours. Some of you make it sound like I was performing some sort of torture technique where I was waking him up every hour. Routines work very well for some children. If you had any idea of the state that he was in pre-routine or when his routine is disrupted I can guarantee you that you would be doing the same!

OP: Aibu?

Mumsnet: Yes, yes you are. Have you tried XYZ? It might help

OP: No, I'm definitely not being unreasonable. I know best. I don't want your help or advice!

Why do people even bother asking??

@colourbynumbers Perhaps you haven’t read the whole thread. I’ve accepted that I overreacted. I’m also looking into some advice that has been suggested about how to improve my sleep. I do still think it’s inconsiderate to not think about how your actions effect your partner who you know is a light sleeper and is particularly exhausted at this moment in time.

Who the fuck orders pizza at 1am? Bonkers.

He sounds like he's on a totally different schedule to you, what with the 10am start to the working day.

I'd say you need separate rooms for now.

You are very lucky that your baby sleeps from 7pm to 7am though! When I was pregnant with my 2nd, my toddler was still waking 5+ times a night, and I was working with a start time of 8am in an Office. So maybe concentrate on the ways in which you have it good?

Does DH ever get up with the baby at 7am? f not, why not? Maybe this would make him go to bed earlier, if he knew he would be up at 7am?

Finally, I'd try to shake up baby's routine a bit. You're making a rod for your own back being so rigid. What happens when you visit people, or go on holiday? Surely you break the routine then?

@Jadefeather7 you've just proved my point!

You've been told by many people that you're being unreasonable but you're still blaming your husband.

The fact that you're a light sleeper is your problem. Why should your husband have to tiptoe around?

And if anyone ever shook me awake for no good reason, I would be absolutely furious!

How are you even going to cope with 2 children??

I think you're just hormonal.
If we lived our lives tip toeing around thinking about how our actions might affect someone.. we would never do anything.
I think maybe seeing a Dr and getting advice related to sleep would be the way forward as it sounds like anything your DP would have done would have woke you.
So unless the house goes into lockdown after you go to bed.. this is going to happen again.

@colourbynumbers Because that’s what you do when you’re married, you show consideration for another persons needs. For example, my husband used to get migraines and when he was lying down he needed pin drop silence in the house because any sound would really exacerbate his headache. I didn’t think it’s not my problem! I tried to everything I possibly could to give him peace and quiet until the headache subsided. Maybe you have a different idea of marriage!

It appears you’re living with possibly the heaviest sleeping baby & a heavy sleeping dad too, can see where he got it from!

I say this gently, but you are incredibly lucky if your baby is such a heavy sleeper. Your anxiety staying awake thinking if you sleep at 6.30 you won’t hear him is unfounded. It sounds like you have an anxiety that isn’t based in reality. In reality you would wake up because you’re a light sleeper, or you would naturally wake up before baby as this child is intent on sleeping through his entire infancy !

the only problem is perhaps you could benefit from some sort of sleep aid. I can tell you 25mg of seroquel used as a sleep aid will have you competing with baby & hubby for best sleeper in the house.

You sound really hormonal and quite high maintenance to be honest. People make mistakes like shutting doors too loudly sometimes, we're all only humans. There's a lot of "I" in your post. It's really unreasonable to shake someone to wake them up. You sound really stressed with being pregnant and having a baby to look after but you need to think of other people as well. He hasn't done anything wrong or tried to intentionally keep you awake.

I don’t have anxiety that I wouldn’t wake up. I think you’re getting mixed up with the part where someone said to wear ear plugs.

I sleep well most of time. I think taking drugs especially when I’m pregnant is a bit drastic when all that’s needed is for my husband to be a bit careful and realise not everyone sleeps heavily and can fall back asleep within minutes of being woken.

You sound like you are struggling with stress. Have you got other support that could help relieve some of that?

Sorry to post again but I agree with @colourbynumbers. You have sought advice to whether you're being unreasonable and hormonal, people are giving you honest opinions and advice and you and disagreeing with them and being persistent that you know you are right. Not really sure why you asked for advice.

@Winterwinds24 Yes I am stressed in general and that may me contributing. I’ve asked my family and friends for support. Everyone is too busy.

Agree that you sound stressed. You should try to get some help with sleep and behaving rationally before you create problems.

@Winterwinds24 I’m allowed to consider what people have to say and still hold my own opinion aren’t I? Is there some rule that you have to agree with the majority? I’m reading everything on here and I’m interested in what people have to say. I don’t have to agree with everything though as I do have my own mind. The parts that make sense like my over reacting to the situation I have taken on board.

So there's not a single friend or family member who can help in any way at all?

All my friends work full time. My family are also too busy with their own lives.

I’m not sure what other people can do to help insomnia though ? You surely don’t mean you expect your husband to go to bed when you do, because his body clock isn’t ready to go to bed yet. You know you can’t sleep after X time awake so isn’t that being as unreasonable as expecting you to sleep before you can?

You need to stop expecting family & friends to support your insomnia - like what support are you anticipating can they truly give? Reduce your stress ok but during the middle of the night you need to start developing your own relaxation routines. If your baby is such a heavy sleeper you shouldn’t be so sleep deprived.

Camomile, change scenery, massage your body, deep stretching, practice meditation - you need to do these things. Others can’t do them for you

I suspect the unwrapping of a measly bar from the kitchen with your bedroom door closed would wake you. This is beyond the help of what others can provide.

I think he is being considerate - sleeping in another room and I suspect he got takeaway because you have previously said he was making too much noise making snacks in the kitchen

I think you're tired, grumpy, stressed and a bit resentful that your DH can sleep so easily. I actually agree with you about him banging the door. If you're considerate to his needs for quiet (which you were when he had migraines) then he should show the same consideration back. It's also just good manners not to bang doors at 1am. It disturbs neighbours too.

I agree with PPs who suggested getting up and doing something if you can't sleep. It works much better than lying worrying about not sleeping. Visualisation exercises can help too especially ones where you let go of the stresses of the day at the start.

It sounds as though you might be struggling a bit with this pregnancy because it's so different from the last one. Perhaps have a chat with your midwife or HV. You need to find a way to deal with lack of sleep before baby comes because the sleep deprivation is only going to get worse not better.