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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry at husband waking me up

163 replies

Jadefeather7 · 14/11/2019 08:33

I don’t know if it’s pregnancy hormones or if I’m right to feel really angry. I feel totally exhausted these days and the nausea has started to set in especially in the evenings.

The night before last my husband woke up at 5am and went downstairs to get a drink. I mentioned that this had woken me up and that I couldn’t sleep after but didn’t make a big deal out of it. Last night I went to bed at 11pm. My husband ordered a pizza at 1am and slammed the door which was loud enough to wake me. When I wake up in a panic I’m not able to go to sleep after for hours. He knows this because it’s happened two or three times before. I was also feeling really sick ( mine is worse at night) so that made getting back to sleep harder.

He was sleeping in another room as he had been up late. I went in and had to shake him to wake him up. He’s a very heavy sleeper and can fall asleep within minutes whenever he wants. I told him he would need to deal with the baby in the morning but because he’s a heavy sleeper and often misses the baby crying and his alarm I had a feeling he wouldn’t do it. I finally went to sleep at 6.30am only to wake up every 15-20 mins worried that I had missed my baby crying. At 7.45 I went to wake the baby up (45 minutes after his usual wake up time) . He must have heard me and then started trying to get involved.

I feel really annoyed as I think he’s being really inconsiderate and not thinking about the fact that I need to rest right now. I also think he should have offered himself to look after the baby this morning. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 14/11/2019 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 14/11/2019 10:38

Thanks, I’ll check out the app and the military method. I tried the 4-7-8 breathing technique and although it seemed to work in the beginning it no longer does.

OP posts:
Grandmi · 14/11/2019 10:39

Bless you . You are obviously over tired and it can actually really mess up your sleep pattern. Ask husband to be more considerate with late night noise. How old is your other dc?

shearwater · 14/11/2019 10:40

YANBU. I hate to be woken from lovely sleep as I often have difficulty getting back to sleep. Your DH needs to be more considerate and quiet.

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 14/11/2019 10:42

I lie in bed when I can’t sleep. I thought getting up and doing something would just make me feel more awake? It’s when I become really alert that I can’t get back to sleep. Sometimes I’ll hear a sound but fall asleep again because I don’t fully wake up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 14/11/2019 10:44

The baby is 7 months and thankfully a great little sleeper now.

OP posts:
Powerbunting · 14/11/2019 10:47

If he woke you up by making a drink, (from a different room it seems) it sounds like he would wake you up by making toast or eating left overs as much as he woke you by slamming the front door. It may be that he thought a take away would disturb you less. Or even he just fancied eating a bit of crap. And how noisy are everyone's delivery people that they wake the neighbours? It isn't like they have megaphones - car or bike noise, brief doorstep conversation as money is handed over and door closing. Much the same as noise from anyone returning from shift work etc

It is entirely unreasonable to dictate another person's sleeping/eating habits. Not unreasonable to expect him to get up with the baby, I might have told him this when woken at 1 AM rather than angrily shaking him awake at some unspecified time later - if you have decided that the baby must be woken at 7 AM (or 7:30 or whenever is your cut off). I presume you have both agreed this is the right thing for children in a morning. He doesn't think the baby should be left sleeping a bit later if already asleep? I'm also not sure I'd take in instructions properly if shaken awake at 2,3,4 am etc.

Time for an adult conversation. Do you want him to do morning routine every day for a bit so that you can lie in? Baby woken at what 7:15 if hasn't naturally woken by then? If he has to be up every morning, he's less likely to be ordering take-away at 1 AM.

FrancisCrawford · 14/11/2019 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 14/11/2019 10:55

He’s seen how the baby is if the routine is disrupted so is totally onboard with waking him up by 730am.

I don’t mind doing the mornings. I wake up naturally at 630/7 anyway so wouldn’t benefit much from a lie in. I just want to get some proper sleep at night, especially right now when I’m feeling exhausted. My cough has meant I’ve had disturbed sleep for a few weeks and just as I recover from that there’s this stuff!

OP posts:
christmastreewithhairyfairy · 14/11/2019 10:57

YANBU to expect DH to not slam doors etc at night, especially when you have a small baby and are not a very good sleeper. DH is like you, finds it hard to go back to sleep if disturbed, and would rightly be furious if I did this.

I really dont think my bedtime is an issue. I usually go to sleep between 10-11pm and wake up at 7am when the baby wakes up. 8/9 hours of sleep is what I need. It’s when he disturbs me that there are issues.

YABU for this though. I need 8 hours sleep and will go to bed at least 8.5 or 9 hours before I need to wake up - by 10pm at the latest. My DCs are older but between them, me and DH there is almost always a disturbance of some sort. With young DCs it's just not realistic to expect unbroken sleep every night. Or ever Sad

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 14/11/2019 10:57

You’re right that m I should have said to him at 1am to do the morning. I think I was hoping I’d fall asleep again and be ok to do it.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/11/2019 11:00

The night before last my husband woke up at 5am and went downstairs to get a drink.

Well, that doesn't sound like he did it on purpose.

At 7.45 I went to wake the baby up

Why on earth would you wake a sleeping baby up?

I wake up naturally at 630/7 anyway so wouldn’t benefit much from a lie in

If you're waking naturally, it means you've had enough sleep. Confused

Really not sure why you're obsessed with waking everyone else up, then complaining that he accidentally woke you up. Confused

So yes, I think YABU.

ZebrasAreHorsesInPyjamas · 14/11/2019 11:00

I remember being pregnant, hormonal and irrational. I am also a very light sleeper so sympathise there too. However... YABU, why is he being inconsiderate by waking you by accident, but you aren't being inconsiderate by shaking him awake? I am sure he also needs his sleep. Two wrongs don't make a right. I am also pretty sure he didn't slam the door on purpose, sometimes it just happens, gust of wind etc. He is certainly not unreasonable for getting up to get a drink. I think he is showing consideration for you by sleeping in another room. I understand it's hard, but I do think you need to take a deep breath and give him a break.

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 14/11/2019 11:02

@christmastreewithhairyfairy To take into account the 5/6 hour disturbance to my sleep I would have had to have gone to bed at 6pm! Luckily the baby doesn’t wake up at night at all. The only thing that ever disturbs me is my husband. I don’t have regular disturbances that mean I loose an hour of sleep at night, if I did I would go to bed earlier.

OP posts:
Powerbunting · 14/11/2019 11:04

If the baby never wakes overnight then get earplugs or white noise. Something to mask the noises he makes overnight

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 14/11/2019 11:06

@Powerbunting I’ve thought about ear plugs but he has woken up once during the night in the last 4 months so there’s always a chance. White noise gives me a headache!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/11/2019 11:07

Why the feck is he marauding around the house in the middle of the night getting takeaways

Marauding around the house?

Getting takeaways as in more than one?

I think I must be reading the thread differently because the way I read it, he ordered one takeaway and shut the door too loudly Confused

TryingToBeBold · 14/11/2019 11:11

Why did you wake him?
Genuine question? You were already awake. And it takes you hours to get back to sleep. So if you woke him at 7am and wanted him to deal with the baby so you could go back to bed.. you wouldn't have slept till 11am.
Which is just ridiculous to then wake him.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 14/11/2019 11:14

Was the door slammed though. As you appear to be such a light sleeper that the slightest sound wakes you for hours, did he just close the door normally and you heard it?

LochJessMonster · 14/11/2019 11:15

I hate to be woken from lovely sleep This is exactly what the OP did to her husband though! And she did it maliciously out of anger which is much worse.

YABVVU

Vulpine · 14/11/2019 11:16

Worra - no im just exaggerating for effect, But by all means take every word literally. Pedantry is very mumsnet

DeeCeeCherry · 14/11/2019 11:17

If I get up early hours and the household is asleep, I move around quietly and certainly don't slam doors. It's not rocket science is it? He needs to activate his brain.

Powerbunting · 14/11/2019 11:17

But if a door closing or someone on stairs wakes you, wouldn't a baby crying wake you even through ear plugs?

I used to sleep in them when on nights and my alarm would still be loud enough to wake me but general family day time noise wouldn't. A crying baby will be louder than my alarm. Especially for a light sleeper like yourself

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 14/11/2019 11:18

I didn’t wake him in the morning he came into the kitchen himself as I was getting the feed ready

The front door was not shut gently. It can be done so there’s only a small clicking sound. It was loud enough to be heard through a closed bedroom door.

OP posts:
Damntheman · 14/11/2019 11:20

The baby paranoia preventing sleep is so real, I feel for you OP. It's not unreasonable to expect an adult to have a bottle/glass of water at their bedside rather than traipse downstairs. If they need a pee they can go (quietly) to the bathroom. I have a bottle and rarely need to actually get up and pee, but if I do I can manage to do it without waking my light sleeper husband.