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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Angry at husband waking me up

163 replies

Jadefeather7 · 14/11/2019 08:33

I don’t know if it’s pregnancy hormones or if I’m right to feel really angry. I feel totally exhausted these days and the nausea has started to set in especially in the evenings.

The night before last my husband woke up at 5am and went downstairs to get a drink. I mentioned that this had woken me up and that I couldn’t sleep after but didn’t make a big deal out of it. Last night I went to bed at 11pm. My husband ordered a pizza at 1am and slammed the door which was loud enough to wake me. When I wake up in a panic I’m not able to go to sleep after for hours. He knows this because it’s happened two or three times before. I was also feeling really sick ( mine is worse at night) so that made getting back to sleep harder.

He was sleeping in another room as he had been up late. I went in and had to shake him to wake him up. He’s a very heavy sleeper and can fall asleep within minutes whenever he wants. I told him he would need to deal with the baby in the morning but because he’s a heavy sleeper and often misses the baby crying and his alarm I had a feeling he wouldn’t do it. I finally went to sleep at 6.30am only to wake up every 15-20 mins worried that I had missed my baby crying. At 7.45 I went to wake the baby up (45 minutes after his usual wake up time) . He must have heard me and then started trying to get involved.

I feel really annoyed as I think he’s being really inconsiderate and not thinking about the fact that I need to rest right now. I also think he should have offered himself to look after the baby this morning. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

VardySheWrote · 14/11/2019 09:58

and if need to pee, would he have to use a bottle too?

Come on, you can't expect someone to stay in bed not moving all night because they might disturb you - him being in another room is fine!

Dahlietta · 14/11/2019 09:58

@virginpinkmartini aren't you a poppet?

Was it just me and virginpinkmartini who were thinking that then...?

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 14/11/2019 10:00

@virginpinkmartini I accept that my reaction was over the top but I do think people should be considerate towards others. I’m allowed to hold that opinion and state it. Just because I am conveying my perspective it doesn’t meant that I’m not interested to hear other points of view on the situation.

OP posts:

Snowflake9 · 14/11/2019 10:00

I love posts in "AIBU" then when they are told they are. They get all defensive!

Should be a "pander to me and tell me I am right" category.

Download a white noise app, you should be able to sleep better then.

Branster · 14/11/2019 10:01

You are a brave woman to wake the baby up! The actual baby I mean not your DH.
Can the baby sleep in the same room as you so that you don’t worry about not hearing him/her crying?
Explain to DH very clearly how ill and exhausted you are feeling and demand he looks after your needs.

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 14/11/2019 10:04

The baby really isn’t an issue. He sleeps from 7-7 without waking up. On a normal day I get 8/8 hours of sleep. If he hasn’t woken up after 12.5 hours I wake him up so that we can stick to his routine. It’s really not a big deal. If he was a baby that woke up multiple times at night then yes I would leave him to sleep. As it is the routine works really well for us.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 14/11/2019 10:06

I wake up naturally between 6.30/7 so I don’t ever really worry about not hearing him. It’s only if I have disturbed sleep then I can’t go back to sleep until 630ish

OP posts:

Biancadelrioisback · 14/11/2019 10:07

It must be really crap to live with such a light sleeper.

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 14/11/2019 10:11

Yes well that’s just how I am. My dad is the same but luckily for him my mum has always been really good about it.

OP posts:

Bibidy · 14/11/2019 10:12

I understand how you feel OP.

My OH can also be very inconsiderate when I'm sleeping and he's not (eg. turning on the bedroom light when he comes through to bed an I'm asleep or asking me where X,Y,Z is in the morning when he's getting ready for work instead of just finding it himself). It's very frustrating, and I'm not even pregnant!

Your husband was out of order to slam the door at 1am, but I don't think he's out of line in the rest of what you've said. Unless of course when he got up at 5am for a drink he did so very clumsily and loudly.

In the kindest way possible, it's not his fault that you can't get back to sleep once woken. That said, since you're so tired and struggling to sleep at the moment, perhaps it's better if he continues to stay in the spare room until you feel a little better?

And perhaps he could get up with the baby in the mornings to give you a lie in.

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/11/2019 10:16

At 7.45 I went to wake the baby up (45 minutes after his usual wake up time)

Always let sleeping babies stay sleeping. (Unless health issue).
Having a sleep routine for a baby is a very bad idea.
You would have gotten your rest if you had not got up a half hour after going to bed and woken everyone one up.

holidays987 · 14/11/2019 10:18

Well I don't think you're being unreasonable.
I'd be annoyed if the front door was closed loudly at 1am.
Why was he even ordering pizza at this time.
Is there a reason he's going to bed so late? And eating so let. Sorry if I've missed that. It sounds like his routine is out of sync, this happens to me too sometimes if I nap in the day. 🤔

HeyNotInMyName · 14/11/2019 10:20

I personnally think he could have made more effort to avoid noises.
I am a very good sleeper and will sleep at the drop of the hat like your dh. It also takes a lot to wake me up during the night.
However, I am also able to understand that my dh is more like you so I ma careful not to wake him. I would have been double careful knowing that you were particularly tired because I had woken him up the night before and I knew he was feeling ritten anyway (regardless of the reason). That's called caring for your partner.

I was also totally able to hear my dc crying at night. Something my dh, who wakes easilyt couldnt apparentky hear . Strangely enpugh it changed after having a word with him and telling him to groe up and be responsible for his own child (aka yes you need to keep an ear out for your child!).

Seeing the situation and how little sleep you got, I woud send him to the other bedroom WITH THE BABY, so you can have a good night of sleep. Maybe after that, he will be more careful himself.

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 14/11/2019 10:22

@Bibidy Thanks. We have actually been sleeping separately for the last few weeks as I’ve had bronchitis which I’ve only just recovered from. He’s been staying up and I’ve been going to bed around 10/11. I think he does move around at night most of the time but maybe I had just got used to it. I heard the front door slamming and him on the landing even though my bedroom door was shut. I guess I could be sleeping even more lightly because of pregnancy?

OP posts:

VardySheWrote · 14/11/2019 10:24

Having a sleep routine for a baby is a very bad idea.

as much as I find the OP completely reasonable, this sentence above is just nonsense.

When a sleep routine works for your baby, you'd be nuts not to stick with it! It makes life so much easier!

VardySheWrote · 14/11/2019 10:24

*completely UNreasonable, sorry

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 14/11/2019 10:25

He’s got into a habit of eating junk food in the middle of the night. He has dinner around 8pm and then a second dinner and drinks in the early hours. There were even leftovers in the fridge that he could have had but he wanted junk I guess!

OP posts:

Stinkycatbreath · 14/11/2019 10:25

@SuchAToDo

Why are you so angry your post sounds you are taking this so personally....wowzers.

OP with respect I know what its like to be in that treadmill of sleeplessness and the crazy thoughts and actions that come with it. I too have been there and you are right you know your baby best. I think you both have been a little thoughtless. Have a brew and a chat.

Biancadelrioisback · 14/11/2019 10:26

Was he in a separate room when he woke you at 5am to get a drink the night before?

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 14/11/2019 10:27

It's entirely possible to tell someone they are BU but sympathies as to why this might be.
God forbid we sympathise to a woman who is in, presumably early pregnancy who is feeling ill and had broken sleep with a husband who isn't always considerate, on a parenting forum.

Better to be an arsehole, in the competition of Who Can Be the Biggest Anus on Mumsnet Today?

OP, ignore them. You're tired and sick with broken sleep.

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 14/11/2019 10:27

@HeyNotInMyName Exactly. That’s why I mentioned the night before. We ask each other each morning how the other slept. I told him I had been awake since 5. I thought that might have made him think I should try to be a bit more quite tonight!

OP posts:

Biancadelrioisback · 14/11/2019 10:33

OP, have you tried the sleep cycle app? It tracks your sleep, helps identify things that are impacting your sleep and plays calming 'sleep aids' during the night. You also set an alarm and it gentle wake you up with soft, gentle sounds at your lightest point of sleep so you don't get jarred awake when you're in a deep sleep.
Sounds like a load of crap but works really well for me if I'm struggling to sleep

Gottheteeshirtandlostit · 14/11/2019 10:33

Think you are being a bit U. But it is miserable not being able to get back to sleep. Here's a link to a method that the military use to train people to fall asleep really quickly might be worth a try

ExceptionFatale · 14/11/2019 10:37

I really enjoy my sleep and my DP often gets quite thirsty during the evenings when we're laying down at night sleeping. I know after the first handful of times he woke me up rummaging around on the bedside table looking for a bottle of water I told him that he'd need to add "Make sure I've got water" onto his nightly pre-sleep checklist right next to "Plug in cell phone, make sure alarm is set". I'd say half the time he forgets though so I've added it to my own mental checklist before I turn off the light "Did he grab a glass or bottle of water? Yes? Awesome. No? What a forgetful doofus!" Then I get up and grab water for him and put it on his side of the bed. I could bark at him and tell him to stop being so forgetful, but honestly he's always been that way and I know raging out at him isn't going to change anything except cause unnecessary tension in our relationship. So when he forgets, I remember on his behalf. He never forgets to thank me, tell me how considerate I am to a giant oaf like himself, and I get to sleep through the night when he wakes up thirsty. It might be worth it to ask your partner to remember to grab a drink before bedtime if it's disturbing you that much - it may take him a while to get into the habit, but a gentle reminder before you go to sleep "Please don't forget to grab a drink before bed" or if you remember, every once in a while, you can always grab a glass of water, put it by where he sleeps in the other room and I'm sure he'd be greatly appreciative of it. These are really such small issues, a little bit of communication and compromise go a LONG way in any relationship. Making mountains from molehills isn't good for your relationship, or your health.

TryingToBeBold · 14/11/2019 10:37

You can't be angry about him not being considerate...and then shake him awake?!

It sounds like everyone is pandering to your sleep issues. Maybe you should see someone about them.

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