Asked if I'm the nanny a lot

[doadeer]

... Was at baby group with DS 10 months yesterday, I was asked 3 times if I was the nanny. It's happened about 5 times before.

Is this strange?

I'm trying to think why.... I'm 29 but been told I look a bit younger and the average age of mums in my area is late 30s... Also DS is mixed race though he does look very like me.

Would you be offended if people kept asking if you were the nanny?

It is strange the presumptions strangers make. I'm caucasian, and my DH is Afro-Caribbean ( with French/Spanish/Afro mix). My oldest is paler than me+ blue eyes, and my youngest is much darker and looks of indian heritage. I was gobsmacked a few years ago to be asked by another mum of a mixed race child if they had the same father... 🤦‍♀️

One of my son's had a black girlfriend. I am white.
A visiting tradesman referred to her as" your au pair."
That"s casual racism.
Very depressing.

Mea culpa. Mea culpa. I mean sons. No comma.

Why would you be offended by being taken for a nanny?

*I used to get asked the same thing all the time. It was nothing to do with race in my case though, my children are the same ethnicity as me. It was to do with perceived age.

My children went to a private school where the average parental age was older than me, plus I looked younger than my years (not any more!), so it was assumed that I was the ‘help’ rather than the parent. I’ll be honest, it was funny the first couple of times it happened but after that it just got on my nerves*

Me too. Private school, very young mum, most parents almost 20 years my senior. I look like I am white and my daughter is too. It really bothered me at a time when I had imposter syndrome (not grown up enough to be a proper mum/being seen as immature/less successful) but now I'd love to be confused with the help.

Oh my goodness I have NO IDEA
Except I do because I READ THE FUCKING THREAD

Darn cross post

In fact, I'd love to have 'help'!!!

i’m offended that you think being called a nanny is offensive to you !!!
i’m a professional career nanny .
as a profession we virtually get no respect or acknowledgement and get treated as a lower class human ..
but we work damn hard for long hours !!

I didn't say I was offended I asked if people would be. I apologise if that was the wrong choice of words... It was more about being taken aback that people didn't think my son was mine rather than caring if they thought I was a nanny which I wouldn't have the slightest issue with. It's a far better job than mine!

Good attitude, OP.
Be flattered. Young, ginger, gorgeous!

It's not a question that's just related to race. It shouldn't be asked.
I was out with my two dads and in my wheelchair. We were sat in a coffee shop having a quiet five when a older gentleman said to my eldest dd ”you're lucky aren't you” Dd looked at the man confused ”out with your aunt for the day” I intervene at this point and said ”I'm not their aunt I'm their mom” man:” oh they're adopted then are they” me ”no, why” man: ”well it's just that you're in, an er, cripple so I assumed you couldn't have any”.............
Vast assumptions made by people who clearly haven't thought before speaking.

Yes to the racism. From, 'Is he adopted?' from strangers to 'You are NOT his Mum' on the bus to 'Who is this lady you brought with you today?' from numerous Paediatricians. And they both look like me albeit not with the same colouring. Why is it ok to asksomeone to define their biological relationship to a child?

I was often asked this when my children were young. My children were all blonde like their Dad and I was dark haired and looked young. It irritated me a little because I'd been bullied at school for being small. It was a trigger. Just reply "I'm not sure if that's meant to be a compliment, but I'm their mum".

Straysocks that's horrible for you.

It wouldn't really annoy me but then again a few years ago I was repeatedly mistaken for a hotel prostitute.

Goldilocks, I am sorry you had that experience with mums. I live in a nanny heavy area and have spent a lot of times at play groups and with nannies. The one thing that could be hard was that some nannies had very little autonomy. We could make a time to meet and they would cancel last minute because “the mum had made other plans”. I ended up gravitating towards the ones who didn’t constantly cancel... I know it wasn’t their fault, but I found it quite frustrating.

@biggles50 for everyone I think. When is it ok to request others to explain or justify their relationships? Please imagine the wearing effect upon you when it happens repeatedly. To justify. Explain. It snaps you out of your nonchalent chats with your kids to assuring wider society that you do belong together, that your bond is real, that their normal isn't shaken by your relationship to your child. If it was acceptable you would never be asked. Others have done a better job of explaining this here. Mind you, it didn't help my anonymity at playgroups when my youngest called me Daddy for not apparent reason for about a year.

And @Merryweather80, quite the range of prejudice there to knock you senseless. Where do you even start with that?

@straysocks. In all honesty, I was floored by the audacity. He quickly tried to backtrack before leaving. My youngest was crying. She was 2/3 at the time. I'm not sure she understood what had been said. It ruined our day out though.

This happened to me many times. I have my daughter who's mixed race and is her dad's photocopy. She looks 100% Asian and I'm blonde european. There was a lady panicking in a shop saying "Where is this child's mother?" and she was right next to me and I said "Calm down, I'm here lol". Then she still asked "oh, are you the mother?" and got a bit embarrassed. Now whenever someone asks me if she's my daughter I just reply "Of course she is, you can see she looks just like me" lol

@Merryweather80 So sorry that you had to endure that and so not surprised she knew something was wrong with the conversation. It is shocking and hard to write off. I guess it comes down to it being his issue/problem (theoretically at least)?

I get offended. I live in Australia but I'm a light skinned Indian and husband is white Australian so my daughter's are very white. Most of the time when I'm out with them, I get asked if they are mine. I know people don't mean to offend and just trying to start a convo but I would never ask that to someone else.

Another one saying this is about race. I used to get it occasionally and found it annoying/upsetting because my DD is mixed race but looks white (blue eyes, blonde/light hair) and I clearly look mixed race but we look very alike. Still that doesn’t stop the comments. It’s rude and based on narrow views. Try and ignore. My DD is older now and it does stop but it makes you hanker after someone thinking your mum and DD together. Which isn’t a big ask is it?