Asked if I'm the nanny a lot

[doadeer]

... Was at baby group with DS 10 months yesterday, I was asked 3 times if I was the nanny. It's happened about 5 times before.

Is this strange?

I'm trying to think why.... I'm 29 but been told I look a bit younger and the average age of mums in my area is late 30s... Also DS is mixed race though he does look very like me.

Would you be offended if people kept asking if you were the nanny?

Do you look far too put together and glamorous, and not tired enough, to have your own little sleep-destroyer?!

It's so strange, I think, what people see and what they think they see.

I agree with you red hair seems to almost blot out people's ability to recognise anything else (DP is a redhead and, though we are both white, we get this).

I'm sorry if I was wrong to suggest you'd be offended/that it was rude. I know what you mean, that often it seems an innocent question. I just think it can be quite thoughtless and upsetting and I hoped you weren't feeling upset. I do think a lot of people don't realise what assumptions they are making when they ask questions like this.

I’ve been mistaken for my kids’ nanny. Both DH and I are white and at was earlyn30s when it happened so not always a race issue (although totally understand it is fucking annoying and racist if it happens repeatedly when there are). I was pleased personally but then I was basically babbling with sleep deprivation and being back at work 4 days a week (was mistaken for the ‘extra nanny’! When my 4 day a week nanny was off)

Same here - DS is mixed race some people have asked if he’s mine “Nope, I borrowed him” only happened a few times though

It’s his race. I know two mixed race women who kids look white and they get asked this.

I'm sure it's because your child is mixed race. I've met nannies who were 40+ and plenty of mums who were in their 20s and well put together. Nobody would be assuming you were the nanny if they thought you looked like the child in your care. You said he looks a lot like you but the first thing some people notice is skin/hair colour and that is what's different.

I get this all the time. I have brown hair and eyes and my son is very blonde.
I actually have a nanny and on more than one occasion I've been asked if I'm the nanny because they've seen my son around the area with his 'mum' (meaning his nanny!)

I don't get offended though, flattered if anything that I am doing such a good job looking after my child that I could pass for a professional 😂.

Incidentally I find it very weird that people ask "are you the nanny?" To anyone. Does it actually matter? And surely if they are the nanny it would come up eventually.

People always assume my DN is my child rather than sil’s as she’s darker skinned; and she is assumed to be the nanny. Even had an instance where another parent at a baby group was telling on her to me, saying sil was too focussed on her phone rather than looking after DN lol. So it’s probably just strangers not really paying attention

I'm white but not British. Due to the accent or people knowing where I'm from but not much else about me (for example the grandma of a child in DD's class) I got asked this quite a few times. Apparently it's because I talk to DD in English /she doesn't speak my native language.

About the suggestions it’s racism:

My SIL (white) was asked this about her (white) children. I assumed because she was slim, glamorous, and young.

When I (white) looked after a friend’s child who was mixed race it was usually assumed that I was the mother.

I’m not at all denying that some of the responses OP and PPs have described are racist. And being white, I know little about racism.

My experience though, suggests that not all of these responses are necessarily racist. Sorry that at least some of them must be, though

I am a nanny and I get asked if I’m the Mum all the time. Depends on the area you live. I work in central London and I think people assume I’m mum as I am not form the Philippines. And I’m not in my phone constantly and interact with my charge.

OP this is casual racism. I have mixed race children and DD does not look anything like me. DS looks like me. So both siblings don’t look similar. I am asked over and over again where my DD’d DM is. To the extent that when DD has called me mummy people have actually corrected her saying Don’t call your nanny mummy! I’ve even had so called A list celebs ask me who is DD’s mum. I think in this day and age it is utterly offensive. The world is getting smaller and so are people’s brains!!! Rant over!

Non of my DCs look anything like me and this happened to me all the time.

I didn't mind at all. At school, I quite liked that no one knew I was my kids mum. In fact it was a good thing because it meant I could stand back and avoid all the gossip at the school gate.

Play with it OP and have a bit of fun

Before I opened the thread a thought 'I bet she's got different skin tone to her child'.
It is one of those things that isn't conscious out and out racism, it is unconscious bias.

Or go with 'you look too well rested to be the mum'. It is much cheerier!

I got asked if I was their support worker, on one occasion! Charming, isn't it? :p You have my sympathies, OP.

I've got a new facial oil and I've got new eyelashes so I'm going to go with the youthful angle 😂

Another white mum to a dark kid here. I have also been asked his.

A lot of people really do see the colour before anything else.

My daughter an I were with my mixed race friend once and someone was chatting to us and asking her questions about my daughter. Assumption being, because of colour, the child was hers rather than mine. It gave us quite a giggle but my daughter so obviously looks like me and nothing like her.

Quite fascinating really.

What strange is I see many mixed families in real life but there are non really on popular TV shows or films. Yes interracial romances but I'm talking normal family stuff. Maybe that's why people still struggle with it?

It’s racism. My friend is white, her DH is black. They live in an area where people do not have nannies, and she is regularly asked if she is her children’s nanny, or if the children are adopted.

It’s clearly a race issue, I’m not saying racism at all. When I’m out with DH & DS nobody asks or says anything. When I’m out on my own people sometimes ask or take a double look, but funnily enough when DH & DS are out without me, everybody assumes he’s the dad

My white MIL was asked if she had adopted her two sons. Because that was more rational than to think she had conceived two children with a black man. Seems times have not changed, but the question is different

Im a white mum of 2 mixed race boys. I get this all the time. It sucks. Along with the adoption questions which happened so often my older son asked mw if i was his "real mum" aged 4.

Back when my daughter was 6 months old and I was going back to work for six weeks, another Mum friend from my NCT class (who was a qualified nursery nurse and having to live with her parents) suggested that she child minded my daughter, with her bringing her 6 month old coming to my house to do so. It suited us both perfectly - she got some time away from her parents, I had a 'nanny' equivalent for childminding rates. She was white with a mixed race little boy.

A mutual friend loaned us a double buggy for the two babies - my pale and blonde haired girl, her fairly dark and curly-haired mixed race son. You can imagine the looks and comments my friend got.
I don't recall her getting asked if she was the nanny though.

I used to get it all the time. DS1 and I are doubles so no idea why people would think it.

Totally alienated from a few groups because people thought I was "the help".

In the area I live, I'm a very young parent (27 when I had DS, 31 now with DS2), younger than everyone in my NCT class by 10 years.

Nearly four years later I definitely don't look so fresh faced so doubtful the confusion will occur again. People are just weird, so strange that anyone would come to that conclusion although nannies are used quite a lot where I live.