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Original poster

Asked if I'm the nanny a lot

184 replies

doadeer · 13/11/2019 21:02

... Was at baby group with DS 10 months yesterday, I was asked 3 times if I was the nanny. It's happened about 5 times before.

Is this strange?

I'm trying to think why.... I'm 29 but been told I look a bit younger and the average age of mums in my area is late 30s... Also DS is mixed race though he does look very like me.

Would you be offended if people kept asking if you were the nanny?

OP posts:
InglouriousBasterd · 14/11/2019 00:54

Sorry OP I totally managed to miss your DS is mixed race - I knew a lady in an identical situation and she was always asked if she was the nanny too Hmm

Thatoneoverthere · 14/11/2019 01:19

I think there can be class element as well as racism, I found the English nannies I knew, often northern, working class and white (I'm white New Zealander so seem to get considered an outlier) seemed to be treated differently to me.

managedmis · 14/11/2019 01:21

I've been asked this, but I do speak English to the kids and we live abroad where English isn't the first language so I can kind of understand why

I usually play along with it, me and DS have a right laugh about it Grin

Really12345 · 14/11/2019 02:15

Its racism. Im white. DD is mixed. DH British Indian So much Casual racism still exisits, I didn't realise until we started dating and then increased when I had DD:

I obviously look old and haggard so not been asked if Im the Nanny just if ive adopted DD

Man round fixing the roof "so did you adopt her then?"
Me (on Mat leave at time) "no"
Man "well she does have a touch of the tar brush tho doesnt she!"
ME "WTF"
(This was 2016 btw)

Two girls in swimming pool changing room (guess around 10yrs)
1st girl "Why is your baby brown"
Me - stunned silence
2nd girl "You cant ask that, she must be adopted stupid"
I walked out. I just didnt know what to say.

Was looking after friends DS last week (blond blue eyes like me)
Went to dr with both my DD and her DFDS as I needed a blood test. Making conversation with the nurse about how I had asked my friend to take the kids for me but she had had an emergency so instead I had two to bring to witness blood taking!
Nurse " shes a well behaved girl though, your friend must be proud"
Me "um shes mine. DFDS is a well behaved boy though"

And US passport control. Traveling with FIL,MIL,DH and DD. All go up together. I'm holding DD and in the middle...
Officer "family groups only please"
We ignore
Officer "MAm, you need to wait your turn mam"

DD, DH and I are at the shop in a queue for the checkout. DD is tiny and in sling so you cant really see her. Realise we have forgot milk so send DH off to get. He comes back way before we get to the till
person behind "theres a queue you know"
DH "sorry, we just realised we needed milk, my wife is in the queue"
Person "well i cant see her"
ME "um im right here"
person "well how was I to know that"

sallievp · 14/11/2019 04:21

I've been asked too! And my son is mixed also...doesn't look much like me!

alolimadayi · 14/11/2019 04:29

My kids are mixed race (I'm white), I don't live in an area where nannies are the norm. When DD was a baby (not loudly calling me Mummy in public) I was asked all the time if I was the nanny. One woman actually followed up with "I just thought because you're different races...."

Ask people why they assumed that? Make them confront their biases.

alolimadayi · 14/11/2019 04:31

I was also once on a train with DD passing through an area where it had transpired there was that day being held an adoption conference. Attendees joined the carriage and asked me when I had adopted my daughter.

oabiti · 14/11/2019 04:53

My friend has mixed raced children. She is always asked if she is the nanny. She does not find it flattering.

ladybird69 · 14/11/2019 05:01

I was asked this a lot when I was on numerous holidays. My husband and his family would be sitting quietly enjoying their grown up meal whilst I was occupying both my own children and my nieces and nephews in the play area! What a mug!

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/11/2019 05:03

I live in an area of the country, which has a lot of non whites and mixed race marriages / partnerships and children as a result. I’m so sorry to read these stories. I never asked friends if they have had issues like this. I do hope not. Children including twins can be so very different from one another. Genetics is a fascinating lottery.

LadyRenoir · 14/11/2019 06:02

It is a bit most to be honest and just died how stereotypically people think. My friend had grandchildren who were mixed race and in the playground or groups people kept on aging get if she was a nanny, people seemed a bit shocked at times to find out she was the biological grandmother.

MonsterKidz · 14/11/2019 06:15

I’d be delighted if someone thought i was the nanny!

Some people are so nosy, i’d never ask anyone something like that, i’d wait to see what information they would like to share before barging in with personal questions.

AnotherEmma · 14/11/2019 06:34

"here’s another thread where PPs claim they’re white, and it’s happened to them so therefore can’t be racism."

Yep. So many idiotic "I was flattered!" "you should be flattered!" comments!

grandmasterstitch · 14/11/2019 06:37

The closet racism is an interesting point. I am a nanny and I used to have 2 children who have a white mum and an Indian Malaysian dad. They both looked much more like their dad. I was constantly assumed to be their mum, despite being white myself. Could maybe be down to where you live? I'm not sure. Needless to say I'm now a mum and never get confused for the nanny Grin

NoArmaniNoPunani · 14/11/2019 06:43

I've only known this to happen to my friends with mixed race children. I've been shocked at people asking my friend if her babies are hers, they aren't always polite about it either

MsChatterbox · 14/11/2019 06:45

I think it's because he's mixed race. I have the same with my mixed race son. Even though to you it's obvious he looks like you, to other people unfortunately they will not see past the skin colour and won't see the resemblance so easily. It breaks my heart when it happens to me. Because to me he's so obviously my son. He's my twin. So it's a shock when others don't see it!

The8thMonth · 14/11/2019 06:46

I've had this happen to me and agree it's a race thing. My children look very white, I'm half Chinese and DH is white. I'm often mistaken for the hired help in certain areas of London. Confused It doesn't bother me, I just say, "Nope, they're mine!". As soon as I speak, it's not a problem as English is my first language... They are usually a bit embarrassed...

missyoumuch · 14/11/2019 06:48

It's the racial issue. My DCs are also mixed race. I also get tired of it. I've had it even when they are hugging me and saying "Mummy."

If mum is black/Asian/other minority, she will be assumed to be the nanny.

If mum is white, she will be asked if she has adopted.

So many of my friends and I have experienced this but it has never happened to anyone who is the same race as their DCs.

The8thMonth · 14/11/2019 06:53

@Really12345

Lol at the US immigration line!!

Every time we go they ask DH when he is going to become a citizen?!??Confused Safe in naïve knowledge that everyone must want to be American....

He'd never want to be one!!

motherheroic · 14/11/2019 07:03

People saying they would be flattered aren't getting it. They are assuming the mother is the nanny because the child is mixed race.

notaflyingmonkey · 14/11/2019 07:10

I'm the white mother to mixed race children and I get asked if I'm their step mother.

DD has got into cooking recently and if she cooks anything forrin gets asked by her friends (who haven't met me) if her DM taught her to cook it, to which she says 'no, YouTube'.

I went to her workplace with her recently and her manager looked behind me when she said 'this is my mum'. He asked if I'd adopted her.

One memorably time when the kids were small we were in DH's country and the waiter accused me of being the other woman - when DH had taken the kids to the toilet, he asked me if all British women were as bad as me, going out with my BF and his kids with no shame. He could not accept we were married to each other and the kids were ours.

Grandmi · 14/11/2019 07:12

Ermm cannot really work out the context of this post!! Why should you be offended?

Lipperfromchipper · 14/11/2019 07:15

I have never been asked if I was the nanny but I was recently asked for ID when buying alcohol with the shopping...I’m 35!! 🤣🤣👍

crazychemist · 14/11/2019 07:16

If the question is because of race, is it insulting? (Genuine question, not trying to be provocative).

There is a lady I know from baby groups that I think is mixed race, and has 2 DC that are very pale with ginger hair. When I first met her she was pregnant with the 2nd. I assumed the first child was hers (hadn’t considered that she might be a nanny, but not for any virtuous reason, just hadn’t put any thought into it). Overheard someone else saying she was the child’s nanny. When DC2 was born, same ginger hair, so I thought she obviously wasn’t a nanny!

Is it a bad thing to think someone might not be mum on the basis of little family resemblance? I thought for it to be racist it had to have some negative connotation?

I do appreciate it’s probably very annoying if it happens a lot. It’s not something I’ve ever heard anyone ask, I’d just assume anyone looking after a child is their parent unless they say otherwise.

demelza82 · 14/11/2019 07:18

**luckygreeneyes

I’d assume you were in a decent area**

As opposed to an indecent area.......?Hmm

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