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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To contact dog breeder and ask him not to sell puppy to my sister?

277 replies

BJsHair · 13/11/2019 13:39

My sister (25) is autistic but very, very immature for her age (she still plays with teddy bears and watches cartoons). She lives alone and is not coping well. Does not work, barely leaves the house.

She gets obsessions. An example of her obsessions was the time she got obsessed with Ford Ka cars. So much so that she actively tried to buy one despite the fact that she doesn’t (and never will) drive. She just wanted it to sit in and decorate. She had no idea about insurance or road tax ... it was basically just to be a giant toy.

Anyway, I’m a dog breed enthusiast and my sister has now become obsessed with the same breed. I put years of research into the breed before I bought my first dog, organised dog training and socialisation classes before I got her and spent hours and hours on training. I’d had dogs before but not this breed. The breed is NOT a first time dog owner breed. In the wrong hands they can be dangerous. My sister is terrified of my dogs, has never owned a dog before yet is adamant that she is buying a puppy from this litter ... she’s going to pay her deposit on Friday. I’ve tried talking her out of it and my mum says I’m being selfish saying “why is it ok for you to have one but not her?”. They just don’t understand. AIBU to go directly to breeder and tell him not to sell her one?

OP posts:
hardyloveit · 14/11/2019 19:32

@EoinMcLovesCakeJumper I said the exact same thing in my post!! People suggesting any animal is utter ridiculous. Any animal needs some type of care.
That's why I suggested the toy animals FurReal or Juno!

GrandmaSharksDentures · 14/11/2019 19:34

Do they still make Tamagotchi Grin

Binglebong · 14/11/2019 19:34

Really great to hear that OP. Would you mind letting us know if she us turned away tomorrow? I'd like to know for sure it was it a good breeder.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 14/11/2019 19:49

BJs what will your Mum do if your sister's next obsession is to have a baby ?

You know , lots of attention in pregnancy , the cute baby clothes, sweet tiny baby to love ....
What could possibly go wrong ? < everything>

Noti23 · 14/11/2019 19:56

@Lovemusic33

Autism isn’t a mental health problem. It’s a developmental disorder that can’t be fixed by purchasing a dog.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 14/11/2019 20:09

Why are people suggesting the ops sister gets a small dog....all sized dogs need walking...ops sister barely leaves her house....this is an accident waiting to happen !!!

PepePig · 14/11/2019 20:25

YANBU. She doesn't need any pets. Don't even try to get her a rabbit/cat etc instead of a dog. No animal should end up being neglected.

treepolitics · 14/11/2019 20:41

well done op, what a nightmare.

fartingrainbows · 14/11/2019 20:47

Why are people suggesting the ops sister gets a small dog....all sized dogs need walking...ops sister barely leaves her house....this is an accident waiting to happen !!!

I think earlier in the thread op said, if her sister got an "easier" dog then she could support her.

If it was a small, “easy” dog then yes I could help her but not with this breed. They get big and they need to know who is in charge from day one.

I think this is possibly what some replies (including mine) are based on.

Cherrysoup · 14/11/2019 21:02

He sounds like a decent breeder, hopefully he will refuse her.

TheMaddHugger · 15/11/2019 04:33

A pet rock or a Chia Pet or some sort of cacti in a pot would be a better suggestion

Lostkeysinaraindrainurghh · 15/11/2019 04:42

This reply has been deleted

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UhareFouxisci · 15/11/2019 04:51

Yanbu OP and I think it is right to do what you can to stop your sister from getting this dog.

In addition to informing the breeder - does your sister have a social worker or other support professionals involved in her life who could be alerted?

finitemonkeys · 15/11/2019 05:48

I'll put this here and leave, because I know it's not going to be popular on Mumsnet - most people here seem to have decided that autism is the worst thing ever and you can't trust a person with autism and Aspergers to look after themselves, anyone else or even treat other people with decent respect. If you read some of the threads on here, you'd come away with the impression that we're unfeeling monsters and energy vampires.

In fact, as it's a post complaining about the autism bias, I expect it to be deleted fairly shortly.

But while it's up - OP - YABU, mostly because it's got nothing to do with you. You're not her carer, you talk about her whims and obsessions with distaste and you've overridden her based on your opinions of her competence and you've made derogatory comments about your sister to another person.

She might not do well with the dog, Fine, in that case, report it as soon as you're genuinely concerned about it's wellbeing.

But until then - why are you judging her guilty of a crime and limiting her behaviour when she's hasn't done anything wrong? She's ASD and you believe your mum is gullible and naive and your sister is unable to look after herself - but maybe, just maybe, they might know something you don't? You don't live with her, you just seem to see the worst in her and you think any other opinion isn't realistic - sounds like you've already decided she's not going to be capable of much.

FWIW, I'm ASD, have similar obsessions - including animals - struggle with anxiety and depression - I also still have toys - but having an animal was a good responsibility for me and I grew into the role and it gave me some order, discipline and a routine that I desperately needed. I now realise that my first dog shouldn't have been a GSD but, despite the hard work and shock to my system, she was well looked after, I adored her and she lived a long and happy life. Since then, always had animals - even fostering rescue dogs - I'm grateful that the rescue I worked with had more faith in my abilities than you do in your sister.

I also had children too - despite being told that was a bad idea - and surprisingly they didn't die or savage anyone either.

What are you going to do if she gets pregnant, OP? Should you be calling up her obstetrician and telling him that she needs an abortion because she can't deal with a baby?

You might think she's child like and unable to cope but sometimes people step up to the plate and learn by the experience. She may be one of these but it sounds like she's never ever had the chance to learn.

I'd suggest that, if it bothers you so much, you just don't get involved. You don't own her, you don't know that she'll be incapable, you've just decided you can't trust her to do anything. How much are you going to stop her doing in her life? Why not call up any potential partner she's seeing and tell them that she's not fit for a relationship because she's so gullible and easily fooled.

Poor girl, her confidence will be rock bottom and now you've decided to humiliate her in front of a stranger and make a point of how incapable you see her.

I can understand why she's depressed.

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman · 15/11/2019 09:19

@finitemonkeys, I agree with you on some of your points, but autism is a spectrum (as you surely know). I know autistic people I would happily trust to care for an animal, and others... Um, no. It's safe to assume that OP knows her sister better than any other poster on the thread does. And in any case, the breed the sister is obsessing over is not a breed for first timers. It's a particular strain of Doberman. I've no idea what strain of GSD you had, but they vary immensely from dogs who are comparatively laid back to ones with huge amounts of energy and drive.

It's absolutely not fair on a puppy to send it to a home with a high chance of everything going wrong. Especially a high-drive puppy like the one under discussion.

BJsHair · 15/11/2019 09:19

@ finitemonkeys

With respect, I know her. You don’t. She doesn’t even look after herself never mind a dog. And that’s not being mean, it’s being factual. An example of her day, she gets up at 2pm (after having gone to bed at 5am as she’s up all night talking to her American man obsession and watching American cop shows because he watches them). Then for her “breakfast” she eats a full packet of biscuits. For her evening meal she eats a crisp sandwich. Now ... I’m what world would this set up suit a highly intelligent, energetic and potentially dangerous breed of dog?

She had £10 last week to do some food shopping as she had no food in the house. She spent the £10 on a teddy bear. My mum then had to buy her some food.

It’s not about her being an adult and hoping for the best, the dog she’s chosen could literally kill her (or someone else). She had to ask me how to train a dog to “sit” and she thinks that’s the only training the dog will need. This is a potentially dangerous situation and no amount of “she’s an adult” will change that. I won’t stand by and watch someone buy a potentially lethal animal. I say this for the dogs sake and hers.

People are suggesting she go an volunteer at dog shelters, well she has no interest in this as she has no interest in dogs. Her obsession is very, very specific ... it focussed on Doberman’s only. Not the training, care or anything practical, just the Doberman itself. As though it were a toy.

OP posts:
Honeybee85 · 15/11/2019 09:26

I think you are not being unreasonable.
By the sounds of it, it’s clearly a receipe for disaster if she gets a dog, regardless of the breed.

Just 1 thing; how will you stop her from trying to get a dog from some place elsewhere?
I think it would be very wise to have a conversation with her about what it takes to have a dog in your home. Perhaps involve your parents too?

ThanosSavedMe · 15/11/2019 09:27

I think you’re being incredibly sensible and responsible op. Hope the breeder did get in touch and tell your sister no. Hopefully she’ll drop the obsession and not try and find a different breeder who doesn’t give a shit.

saraclara · 15/11/2019 09:34

@finitemonkeys, I think it's pretty clear from the OP and the further posts, that the sister has learning difficulties alongside her autism.

Elle7rose · 15/11/2019 09:37

Wow you are definitely not being unreasonable.

Contact the breeder! It sounds as though she has quite a low mental age? Could you just mention that she thinks and acts like a child and wouldn't be able to care for a Doberman?

finitemonkeys, I think there's a massive difference between moderately-severe Autism with associated learning disabilities, which OP's sister has and your ASD. If you read the OP's examples of her sister's behaviour (surviving on biscuits and buying toys instead of food/self-care items) and also general lack of interest in dogs/animals then you can see why she's concerned.

Elle7rose · 15/11/2019 09:40

Maybe if your Mum doesn't understand then do suggest that she volunteers at an animal shelter so that she can get an idea of how she is with animals. Your sister will probably not agree to it and then your Mum will realise that she is not really fussed about pets, just obsessed with the idea of a Doberman.

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/11/2019 09:45

ASD parent here, you did absolutely the right thing. My DS is high functioning, but like his father, my now ex-h, obsesses and discards. Indeed even DS was only a brief obsession for ex-h who lost interest after he was born and left. This was a child, let alone a pet. We do have a cat but I can’t leave DS alone with it because he’s unkind to it, doesn’t realise it has feelings and can’t see his behaviour is wrong and for that reason we will not be getting the dog he is desperate for. Or the goldfish. He’s a bright, intelligent child but simply doesn’t have the capacity for some things and I recognise that and steer accordingly. You’ve done the kindest thing for your sister and the dog!

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/11/2019 09:54

@finitemonkeys As I said in my previous post, I’m a parent to an ASD child. I certainly don’t think it’s the worse thing ever not that he’s in any way incapable but I do recognise that certain behaviours are not compatible with certain things. Hence steering towards other things instead. I wouldn’t change my boy for the world and I am confident that he will be a perfectly functioning adult. However, I have to agree with OP that intervening in this situation is absolutely right.

MaxNormal · 15/11/2019 10:00

@finitemonkeys I have an ASD diagnosis as well and the OP is absolutely not being unreasonable. Your idea of letting her try is a disastrous one if it involves the life of a living creature. In this case, a large and potentially dangerous one.

Annemarie2002 · 15/11/2019 10:08

I’ve been following this post with interest as I have previously commented saying to contact the breeder and I’m pleased to see the op has. Well done. I’ve got an autistic daughter so know full well about the level of obsession that can take her over. At the moment it’s a tv show and she’s living, breathing and talking about it constantly. However as the op said, these things run their course and it could be something completely different next week. I also worry about her looking after herself and although she’s only 15, I struggle to see how she will cope in the adult world. She most definitely couldn’t handle having a dog. We all wanted a rabbit which we agreed on as a family and despite her earlier enthusiasm, he is now living its best life still with us as a house rabbit because I care for him (which I knew would happen but I adore him so it’s fine) but there’s no way I would get a pet Just because she wants one. She would love a kitten but is she going to clean the litter box, feed it and play with it after a week? No! So we won’t be getting one.

Anyway... well done op. I believe you’ve done the right thing and I hope the breeder follows through with what they’ve said.