To refuse to socialise with BF husband again?

[cjpark]

Basically one of my BF married a much younger man last year after years of being in an abusive relationship with someone else. He is generally a nice chap but can become bit arrogant when out socialising with us, friends and our older DH's.
A few days ago there was a 'do' and BF's husband had way to much to drink. He insulted a couple of the guests and my BF so much so that they left early. His behaviour escalated and he lost his temper and smeared food in my face. I was so embarrassed so I left too.
He obviously then went home to a frosty reception by his wife and so took to his phone and barraged me with abusive name calling messages and answer phone messages.
I have never experienced anything like this in my life! I am obviously deeply upset and will never trust him again. He has apologised (via phone as I refuse to see him) but AIBU to never want to go to any social event that he may go to again? My BF thinks I will 'recover in time"!

Tell your friend to fuck off. Just because she wants to put up with abusive behavior it does not mean everyone has standards that low.

Sounds like your friend has moved on from one abusive relationship to another. Some women unfortunately have a type.

I'm afraid it does sound like she's moved on from one abusive arsehole to another. You're right to not tolerate it. How have you left it with your relationship with her directly?

You are not being unreasonable at all. If, by 'recover', she means come to accept this horrible and unacceptable behaviour by her boyfriend, I sincerely hope she's wrong.

I would not be accepting that apology.

I would see my friend without him but never spend time in his company again.

Watch out he does not isolate her from support. She is another abusive relationship.

Is in

He smeared food in your face and sent you a barrage of abusive messages?

I'd be reporting the assault to the police.

He is a twat, as is your friend who has laid out her expectation that you will "recover with time".

Hold on, he smeared food in your face?

Showing off thinking he was in a bugsy malone food fight, or as an act of aggression?

That's unforgivable, I'd cut him out of your life completely, but she might need your support when she comes to her senses.

Tell your friend that you have more strength than to let a man abuse you in such a way and more self awareness than to put yourself into a position where the same man may repeat similar abuse, whether it is physical or verbal. Tell her that you will always be there for her and happy to see her, but not him and if that’s not enough for her, then you have to put your own well-being first. If she ever wants to see you alone, you would always try to be available and supportive of her.

Id see her again.

I would never see him again.

Also, hes on the defensive now so watch out what he does. I wouldnt be suprised if he started saying nasty things about you to your friend.

I have told him that although I accept his apology, I am not accepting of his behaviour, that he has upset me deeply and not to contact me. My BF apparently read him the riot act and they are 'resetting' their relationship. She completely accepted how I was feeling and said she was livid with him.

Of course YANBU. I hope your friend is ok

Perfectly reasonable to cut him out of your life

If you can keep a connection to BF, please do. She is Likely going to need a lifeline eventually.

Stick to your red line here.

He's another abuser. Tell her, keep telling her.

To clarify, we were at a cocktail party and he grabbed a handful of soft fruit and smeared it in my face whilst laughing. I was speechless and just stood rooted to the spot. A lovely older lady took me aside and helped me clean up. He thought it would be funny though I don't no why.

YANBU not to socialise with him again.

Sounds like he is abusive, or at least potentially abusive. Would seek to maintain your friendship with your friend in some way.

This may be a deliberate ploy to isolate her from her friends as abusers often do. I can imagine him trying to justify it now: ‘I was drunk so I didn’t mean it but she’s being totally unreasonable by not accepting my apology, you don’t need friends like her’.

Recover? Fuck that.

He is not a 'nice chap'.

What a strange thing to do!!

This may be a deliberate ploy to isolate her from her friends as abusers often do. I can imagine him trying to justify it now: ‘I was drunk so I didn’t mean it but she’s being totally unreasonable by not accepting my apology, you don’t need friends like her’.

This^

Please don't let him remove you from her life. If you feel like you have no choice but to walk away, make it very clear to her that you will be there for her if she ever need help to leave him.

I have told BF that I will try to maintain our friendship as I deeply care for her. I do feel though he has tried to minimise it and although he had shown her the messages I was sent, she knew nothing about the vile phone calls.

This man assaulted you. Your friend has no business suggesting that you will get over it in time.

YANBU to never see him again, but keep some lines of communication open with your mate; she's going to need friends when she realises she's in another abusive relationship.