To refuse to socialise with BF husband again?

[cjpark]

Basically one of my BF married a much younger man last year after years of being in an abusive relationship with someone else. He is generally a nice chap but can become bit arrogant when out socialising with us, friends and our older DH's.
A few days ago there was a 'do' and BF's husband had way to much to drink. He insulted a couple of the guests and my BF so much so that they left early. His behaviour escalated and he lost his temper and smeared food in my face. I was so embarrassed so I left too.
He obviously then went home to a frosty reception by his wife and so took to his phone and barraged me with abusive name calling messages and answer phone messages.
I have never experienced anything like this in my life! I am obviously deeply upset and will never trust him again. He has apologised (via phone as I refuse to see him) but AIBU to never want to go to any social event that he may go to again? My BF thinks I will 'recover in time"!

He's a sadist. He did it to humiliate and frighten you and then get to laugh at your reaction.

Yep. Sadist and a bully. I think the "Forgive them, for they are pissed and know not what they do" excuse for nasty men is only ever remotely potentially valid if they inflict their nasty behaviour on the biggest, hardest, most brick shithouse-esque male in their orbit. Oddly, that doesn't often happen. He lost his temper and shouted at his wife. Wonder if he has ever been drunk on a work night out and lost it at his boss? I bet he hasn't. They don't lose control of their behaviour really. In vino veritas.

Have you got mutual friends with them? Will they continue seeing him?

WTF? Why would you ever put yourself in the position of seeing him again? If you 'forgive and forget' you are simply giving him licence to behave any way he pleases. Just No.

But op there is a huge difference between being argumentative, a belligerent drunk and what you're describing, which is a sadistic abusive bully.

I completely agree, which is why I will never knowingly see him again. I will never forget what he did and always been watchful. Sadly, mutual friends seem to find his behaviour excusable because he was drunk.

Your friend is asking you to minimise his abusive behaviour towards you though. That's not ok. She might have low standards and he is obviously trying the age-old 101 of the abusers’ handbook of isolating her from her family and mate. But I would not fight for a friend that expected me to 'recover in time', which is a very manipulative way of her to tell you to drop it. After all, she is still with him after this, I would not be with my Dh if he had basically assaulted and harassed my BF. Fuck that shit!

This guy sounds like a complete pos. You wouldn't have been unreasonable to call the police. I think having a a zero tolerance policy towards him would set a good example for your friend.

Not a fucking chance in hell

He had too much to drink and was being arguementive to most people. I have never seen him like that before. The messages were vile.

That's his true self coming out. The rest of the time he's wearing a charming mask to fool people. That's why he's ringing round to apologise too - damage control after the fact.

The alcohol gives him license to behave any way he likes, sadly people are supporting him in this. He'll also be extra resentful that he has to be on good behaviour the rest of the time, which will make him extra nasty when he allows himself to let go.

Does your friend have children in the house with him?

Sounds like your friend is in denial prob because of her last relationship-try and keep contact with her but no way see him

Sadly, mutual friends seem to find his behaviour excusable

It will be interesting how they will be if he aims his vitriol to them next time

Have you got mutual friends with them? Will they continue seeing him?

Good question.... you may find yourself being squeezed out if friends "don't want to take sides", invite you both to things and you then feel unable to attend and be near him.

I echo all the pp above who've pointed out that your friend is in an abusive relationship btw. He is so clearly abusive, but she doesn't seem to see it

I'm just trying to get my head around how to avoid him in life.

Very easily. I have good friends who have husbands that I have no problem with. Zero. They are all perfectly fine men. I rarely see them. We never socialise as couples. So it should be pretty simple to avoid someone you actively don't want to see.

Why is she ringing people apologising for his behaviour? Is he 6 and she's his mother? Why isn't he contacting people. Has he spoken to the host of the party? He sounds like he has a problem with drink. Plenty people get drunk without acting like knobs. She's enabling his appalling behaviour. She might decide to tolerate it and excuse it. Others might also excuse it. You don't have to. From my experience people like this tend to be like this. A "normal" person will never carry on like that socially. He might keep a lid on it for a little while, but he will always eventually revert to type.

Keep contact with your friend because she sounds very vulnerable. Don't ever be in his company again. It is avoidable.

Wash your hands of both them. She will clearly never learn.

Just because you don't socialise as couples doesn't mean that's true for everyone. If they are part of a wider friend group that tends to do things together, and where both partners usually attend social occasions, it could be very difficult for the OP to avoid this man without alienating herself from her other friends.

I'm not saying she shouldn't try to avoid future contact, just pointing out that not everyone's life is the same.

I have lost a friendship group because I refused to socialise with an abusive man, so it does happen.

Couples don't have to live on each others pockets. If people are interested in maintaining relationships they will find a way. Socialising in large groups as couples is one way. There are very many others.

Whoever heard of such a thing? Seems like he wanted to embarrass you in front of everyone, but made himself look like a dickhead! You are quite within your rights to never see him again (hes lucky you didnt get him charged with Assault TBH). If you see your friend on her own thats fine ,you do not have to see someone like this!

What a horrible little man.

Tell your friend to fuck off. Just because she wants to put up with abusive behavior it does not mean everyone has standards that low.

Still the best response on here imo. Your BF comment saying you will recover in time is abhorrent.

I'm sorry that happened to you OP. I'd also be inclined to report him to the police for assault and harassment.

Do you think he is trying to push your away and isolate your friend?

I would be very wary of him. The abusive messages and texts tell you exactly who he is.

No, YANBU to refuse to socialise with him, but I have a horrible feeling your BF is going to need you at some point in the future.

Push you away I mean.

To clarify, we were at a cocktail party and he grabbed a handful of soft fruit and smeared it in my face whilst laughing. I was speechless and just stood rooted to the spot. A lovely older lady took me aside and helped me clean up. He thought it would be funny though I don't no why.

Sorry but I'd report that to the police as an assault and show them the messages, report the call etc.

Sounds like your friend needs a wakeup call and he needs the smirk wiped right off his face. A chat from the police should do it, I'd imagine.

I agree with pp. This is what a toddler would do.
The other friends would not be so accepting if it happened to them.

Report to police, definitely. Are they thinking of having children?