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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to socialise with BF husband again?

120 replies

cjpark · 11/11/2019 19:23

Basically one of my BF married a much younger man last year after years of being in an abusive relationship with someone else. He is generally a nice chap but can become bit arrogant when out socialising with us, friends and our older DH's.
A few days ago there was a 'do' and BF's husband had way to much to drink. He insulted a couple of the guests and my BF so much so that they left early. His behaviour escalated and he lost his temper and smeared food in my face. I was so embarrassed so I left too.
He obviously then went home to a frosty reception by his wife and so took to his phone and barraged me with abusive name calling messages and answer phone messages.
I have never experienced anything like this in my life! I am obviously deeply upset and will never trust him again. He has apologised (via phone as I refuse to see him) but AIBU to never want to go to any social event that he may go to again? My BF thinks I will 'recover in time"!

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 11/11/2019 19:46

Meet them for a drink. Return the joke .
Lager and black is very flattering ime....
Once out with a relatively new bf who stood chatting up a woman while I was at the loo - calmly ordered and swilled him.
Left in a very dignified manner.
Unlike him...
Yanbu to never be in his company again.
Your friend is a sap...

Disfordarkchocolate · 11/11/2019 19:47

Oh dear, she's picked another abusive man and one who is happy to abuse her friends in public. I wouldn't hide myself away and miss any social activities but I wouldn't speak to him. To be honest, I'd tell her she has picked a horrible man and you won't be abused by him even if that means limited contact with her. It may isolate her but you don't need to put up with abuse because she does.

Mistigri · 11/11/2019 19:47

smeared food in my face

That's assault.

took to his phone and barraged me with abusive name calling messages and answer phone messages

That's harassment.

You'll be doing your friend a favour if you make a formal complaint about him.

Original poster
cjpark · 11/11/2019 19:48

He obviously isn't a 'nice chap" at all! I know that now - he's a utter t**t. I'm just trying to get my head around how to avoid him in life.

OP posts:
custardbear · 11/11/2019 19:48

That's just horrendous - keep your friend though as pp have said it may be his abusive ways starting and trying to cut her off from her friends

lyingwanker · 11/11/2019 19:49

What a fucking psycho!!

I'm just in the middle of untangling myself from a very abusive marriage and even my husband would never have thought it was ok to squash food into someone's face like that. How totally humiliating for you too. I'm so sorry.

Like previous posters have pointed out though it could well be his way of isolating her from people he knows love and support her. He will see you as a threat to his control. Try not to let him win, don't put yourself in any bad positions but try your best to be there for her, it's so fucking hard being in her position and when you become isolated it feels like it's preferable to just stay with the abuser than be totally alone.

Passthecherrycoke · 11/11/2019 19:53

Poor you and your poor friend- she must feel
so embarrassed and humiliated. I agree I would see her but never him. What will you do about group events do you think?

spanglydangly · 11/11/2019 19:54

OMG the thought of him smearing food on your face is so abusive and is awful.

He is just another abuser to your friend also.

Cherrysoup · 11/11/2019 19:54

I’d send her the phone messages somehow.She seems to be minimising his behaviour, often typical of abused women who think sometimes that they’re the ones in the wrong. Does she think you shouldn’t be too horrified or something? Because he sounds like a total wanker.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 11/11/2019 19:55

Unfortunately she has found herself another abuser and he may well see this as a chance to isolate your BF. But stand firm and keep contact with her only. She may need you one day to get away from him and realise she needs boundaries like you have set.

FeeLock28 · 11/11/2019 19:56

Suggest you report the assault to the police and ask their advice regarding your friend, who quite clearly has begun a relationship with another violent man.

eddielizzard · 11/11/2019 19:57

Well she's just lurched onto the next abusive relationship. I think you're absolutely right not to see him again. She is minimising, and the best you can do is tell her you're always there for her, but that you will never spend time with him again. Do you still have the phone messages? I think it'd be wise to save them.

morriseysquif · 11/11/2019 19:57

I'd be pissed off with friend minimising how you were treated. Just because she puts up with it, doesn't mean you have to.

FaithInfinity · 11/11/2019 19:58

YANBU to refuse to see him again. I would suggest she thinks about doing The Freedom Programme.

Original poster
cjpark · 11/11/2019 19:59

She has been the phone messages. She asked him to show her them. She did not however hear the phone calls or was there to witness the food smearing. I am so angry with him and I will never put myself in the same room as him again. I am also so sad for what he has ruined but now on 'abuser watch' so feel I need to be around.

OP posts:
1Morewineplease · 11/11/2019 19:59

No, I wouldn’t see her again for a while and you need to tell her exactly why. She needs to see that her ongoing ‘choice’ ( I’m using that word very carefully) of being with an abusive partner is an unwise choice. By all means be available to her if she needs your help but it would be prudent to step back.
You shouldn’t have to experience such dreadful behaviour and you are justified in not being in his presence . I feel so sorry for your friend, she is clearly picking up on similar tendencies that are inherent in abusers.
I really feel for you and your friend, but this behaviour is not on.

Original poster
cjpark · 11/11/2019 20:00

Sorry - seen not been! I have saved the messages to a file.

OP posts:
WhoWants2Know · 11/11/2019 20:03

So, she's seen the messages that he chose to show her. There's no telling what he might have deleted to make the situation look less awful.

Original poster
cjpark · 11/11/2019 20:03

BF has done the freedom project so should be more aware of the red flags. I do feel she has minimised his behaviour which is adding to my anger

OP posts:
Alicatz66 · 11/11/2019 20:05

That is dreadful .... I wouldn't ever be in his company again.

Grannybags · 11/11/2019 20:05

That is assault. If he thinks that is ok in public then what is he capable of in private. I would at least speak to the police for future advice for your friend.

BlueSuffragette · 11/11/2019 20:06

Tell her the whole truth of what happened, phone calls etc. He's an abusive prick. You could report him to the police. Avoid all future contact with him

cacklingmags · 11/11/2019 20:06

Don't let him cut you off from your friend. He can easily isolate her from her friends by being just this vile and he is without a doubt an abuser. What kind of bloke would smear food on a woman's face unless he was an abuser? Look after your mate as she is going to need you but avoid this fucker like the plague.

justasking111 · 11/11/2019 20:09

Were the guests at the cocktail party his friends, her friends or your friends??

WhingyNinja · 11/11/2019 20:11

If he is capable of publicly smearing food in your face and barraging you with abusive texts and phone calls imagine what he feels comfortable doing to your friend behind closed doors. She needs to get away from this prick ASAP.