To refuse to socialise with BF husband again?

[cjpark]

Basically one of my BF married a much younger man last year after years of being in an abusive relationship with someone else. He is generally a nice chap but can become bit arrogant when out socialising with us, friends and our older DH's.
A few days ago there was a 'do' and BF's husband had way to much to drink. He insulted a couple of the guests and my BF so much so that they left early. His behaviour escalated and he lost his temper and smeared food in my face. I was so embarrassed so I left too.
He obviously then went home to a frosty reception by his wife and so took to his phone and barraged me with abusive name calling messages and answer phone messages.
I have never experienced anything like this in my life! I am obviously deeply upset and will never trust him again. He has apologised (via phone as I refuse to see him) but AIBU to never want to go to any social event that he may go to again? My BF thinks I will 'recover in time"!

While I agree about never seeing him again. I would be very wary that he doesn't isolate your friend to be able to abuse her more.

Bf said that he was deeply embarrassed and spent yesterday phoning people at the do to apologise for his behaviour. He probably is embassed because YOU are holding accountable for his actions unlike everyone else who are excusing it.

And like all bullies they are cowards and I suspect he will make himself scarce around you.

Fwiw I had a friend who was in an abusive relationship, and when we were getting her away from him, he squared up to me (him 6ft plus and me 5ft nothing) and told him that unlike my friend I would not think twice about reporting his abusive, bullying behavior to the police. He left very quickly with all his belongings because knew that unlike my friend I saw him for what he was.

OP, your friend has a huge cheek expecting you to get over being assaulted.

I would not accept being assaulted by anyone.

I think you should report him.

He is a nasty bully, who thinks he can behave in any way he chooses.

I would never be in his company again.

If she chooses to be collateral damage because of his behaviour, that's her choice.

An apology would not be enough for me.

" I would be very wary that he doesn't isolate your friend to be able to abuse her more."

There comes a point though where that has to be up to the friend.

If I've understood correctly, his behaviour was so bad that his own wife couldn't tolerate it & left.

Yet she wants Op to tolerate being assaulted!

My BF thinks I will 'recover in time"!

Recover from what?
YOU didn't get drunk, insult everyone, smear food on people's faces, or go home to continue abusing people by text & voicemail.

It is your friend who needs to recover - from choosing abusive men.

I would tell her that I am there for her, but not for her twat of a husband, & that I have nothing to 'recover' from, as I don't associate with abusive arseholes, unlike her.

Sorry if this is harsh, as your friend clearly needs some professional help to work out what constitutes abuse & how she can avoid it in future. But she is asking you to minimise & normalise her husband's behaviour so she can keep playing Happily Ever After, which is a pile of crap.

My BF apparently read him the riot act

Sure, because decent men all need women to tell them how to behave & point out what constitutes acceptable behaviour ...

and they are 'resetting' their relationship.
Ah, the abuser's classic "it will be different now".
Sure.

God that's awful OP. How young is this guy?!

I'd sent every one of those messages to everyone in the whole group. Sorry, but your 'friend', I'd cut her loose. She's minimising this. Yes, she's in another abusive relationship and he's trying to isolate her and blah blah blah but she's an adult. She's choosing this and expecting you to put up with him. Fuck that. I'd make it very clear that you will never associate with him again and if the other mates want to put up with a violent drunk arsehole they wouldn't be friends of mine, either.

You BF needs to know that she has hooked up with an alcoholic and there is a horrible time ahead of her.

She needs to 'fix her picker' (Chump Lady)

People get abused, raped and killed by drunk people. Choosing to drink to that level is... a choice, never a excuse.

If your friends want to forgive him because he was drunk, and someway don’t see the problem as they were not assaulted or received a barrage of texts afterwards... they are either stupid or not the kind of “friends” you want around you.

That is called assault. You do not ever smear food in someone’s face in that type of manner.

The man is late 20's. Everyone else there was mid 40's, including his wife and myself. I've made an appointment with my GP as I have been panicking and shaking since it happened. The BF Husband knows not to contact so now has trying ringing my DH. Thats probably a big mistake.

He has chosen you as a target to bully and abuse. You and your DH need to draw your lines in the sand here and all these friends need to know. Personally, if I were your DH I'd tell him to go and fuck himself but abusers like this chap think they're always in the right and women are in the wrong and believe your H will actually side with him.

Report the pig to the police 1 for the assault and 2 for his on going harassment, you've told him to not make contact with you yet hes trying to harass you through your husband. Tough shit if your frightened of loosing your freindship because of this man.

Police.

The fact you need GP support shows the impact his assault and continued harassment has on you.

He'll be telling her that you fancy him and made a pass at him before you know it. He's trying to isolate her

He’s abusive. She has no right to tell you when you’ll recover from someone doing that. She clearly doesn’t know how serious this is. I’d also be inclined to report it to police.

OP, someone laying hands on you is a big deal.

Obviously it was a huge shock for you.
As it would be for most women who aren't used to being assaulted.

I agree with other poster's, the fact you need to see you GP is telling.

He needs to be reported for assault and harrassment.

Put yourself first.💐

I suspect if OP were to report this, the police would not take this particularly seriously (although the phone evidence is quite damning) and the friendship would be over. As the wider circle of friends are also minimizing his behaviour thanks to his drinking 😡, there could be consequences for OP there as well. OP would probably be accused of dramatizing unnecessarily, etc... Even though she is obviously not, we have all seen boards on here where the victim is punished by the wider community when charges are laid and consequences are meted out to the perpetrator. These things really need to be considered by the OP before she takes action (and I suspect she has thought long and hard about this, and discussed with her partner.)

Sorry - didn’t mean to post yet.
However.... having read your latest report, that he is continuing to harass you, and you are experiencing PTSD symptoms requiring a visit to the GP, and your friend is dictating the outcome to this situation which shows no real insight or regard to your feelings despite having been shown the evidence, I would consider taking the evidence to the police and asking what your position would be.

Oh dear, it would seem your friend has jumped out of the frying pan into the fire, one toxic relationship to another.

Listen if she wants to put up with him, let her but you definitely don't have to be in his presence or engage with him any further; He sounds like an ignoramus and no one needs morons like that in their life.