To refuse to socialise with BF husband again?

[cjpark]

Basically one of my BF married a much younger man last year after years of being in an abusive relationship with someone else. He is generally a nice chap but can become bit arrogant when out socialising with us, friends and our older DH's.
A few days ago there was a 'do' and BF's husband had way to much to drink. He insulted a couple of the guests and my BF so much so that they left early. His behaviour escalated and he lost his temper and smeared food in my face. I was so embarrassed so I left too.
He obviously then went home to a frosty reception by his wife and so took to his phone and barraged me with abusive name calling messages and answer phone messages.
I have never experienced anything like this in my life! I am obviously deeply upset and will never trust him again. He has apologised (via phone as I refuse to see him) but AIBU to never want to go to any social event that he may go to again? My BF thinks I will 'recover in time"!

Believe me, I gave her a blow by blow account of all that happened and showed her all the calls and messages. It was a mix of guests, but I had walked into the kitchen to get a drink and he was there on his own when he did it. No one saw, though an older lady walked in to find me stood there and him laughing.

He assaulted you and your friend response it is not appropriate. She may be in an abusive relationship but she should not impose an abusive person on her friends and expect you to “recover in time”

Yeah, he may be trying to isolate her but that was quite a blatant drunken way to do it. One thing is that he makes her late to meet with her friends and another that he attacks her friends.

If you want to continue the friendship with her, make sure it gets downgraded to whatever you do “without partners”

So he didn’t rub the food in, in front of other people.

Nice man - he knew exactly what he was doing.

My husband can be twat but he doesn't mean offence. But that's next level stuff! Smearing food in your face?? Wtf! Yanbu.

Your friend has left one abuser and married another.

You should not feel in the slightest bit guilty about not wanting to socialise with him, in fact I really hope you stay firm with your boundary and never see him again.

(I saw someone up thread said dismissively that 'some women have a type.' This is an unkind way of saying that some of us do what is called trauma re-enactment, where we end up in a string of abusive relationships due to having an unhealthy childhood where healthy relationships and love were not modelled to us. So, it's not your friend's fault that she has made another bad choice in the sense that it's a subconscious thing to repeatedly date abusers, but you are under no obligation to support her or engage with him. In the end she needs to seek help to leave him and escape the pattern. If you can, recommend she call the National domestic violence helpline and read the book Living with the Dominator. Also ask her to google the Power and Control Wheel and the Cycle of Abuse).

He smeared fruit in your face whilst laughing? Either a complete psycho or completely coked off his face. The phone harassment makes me think the former. What did your DH and friends do when he did this? I think he'd be eating from a straw for months if he'd done that to me in front of my DH!

Ah sorry, x post. So he ambushed you on your own. What a horrible little prick

I lost a lot of friends because my ex was like that after a drink, a total embarrassment. He used to pretend he couldn't remember or believe he would have acted that way. He used drink as an excuse for him to behave in that manner. I stopped going out with him and eventually got rid. Your friend is a fool and in denial, he will never change.

He didn't do it in front of anyone. He was already behaving like an idiot earlier in the night and had lost his temper and shouted at his wife. She'd gone home, I was waiting for my taxi in the kitchen. DH was at home.

Fuck that. I wouldn't go anywhere near him ever again. Sorry you went through that

That is horrific behaviour. He was trying to embarrass and humiliate you. I have never heard of anyone older than a toddler doing something like this; it’s truly shocking. Then the unprovoked abusive calls and messages. He sounds like there is something wrong with him.

I understand you want to support your friend and be there for her when he inevitably abuses her again, but she doesn’t even think what he did was serious. It’s gobsmacking.

Certainly never be in his company again. If anyone asks why you’re staying away make sure you tell them. As to how to proceed with your friend... I don’t know. I’d personally be cooling the friendship somewhat, though.

God, he's an utter creep. Try and be there for her but I totally understand that you'd never want to set eyes on him again.

The food thing is vile. A real act of aggression designed to be degrading.

It's perfectly reasonable for you to never see him again. And if your friend can't see that, then maybe you should never see her again, either.

This may be a deliberate ploy to isolate her from her friends as abusers often do. I can imagine him trying to justify it now: ‘I was drunk so I didn’t mean it but she’s being totally unreasonable by not accepting my apology, you don’t need friends like her’.

^^ this. He'll be downplaying it to her.

I would never, under any circumstances, be in his presence again, and if it means losing your friendship with his wife, so be it. Quite frankly, her response to the situation is just as bad.

I agree your friend has swapped one abusive relationship for another one. He sounds a right twat. You should report him for assault OP.

He's a sadist. He did it to humiliate and frighten you and then get to laugh at your reaction.

Does your friend have children? I would be very worried for them and for her.

You could report him to the police.

You have to be clear that any further socialisation will be with her only, her other half is not welcome in your presence. Stand your ground now or he'll worm his way even further.

was going to say tell her not to move in with him but if they're married it is too late. how long have they been together? was he always like this.

I would ask your friend why she thinks you should recover from what he did. If you can, press her on the answers she gives. To whose benefit is it for you to recover? It's certainly not yours.

He's likely to isolate her from you. Marriage is a huge commitment and it's unlikely that she'll give it up lightly.

If they were hers and your friends not his. His behaviour at the event will mean the invites will dry up which will be another way to isolate her. Is anyone else talking about his behaviour at the event do you know?

You have a witness (the other lady). Report it to the police. Don't give him "one more chance".

That's very very odd behaviour. It's cruel.

He simoly randomly and for no reason rubbed fruit all over your face? And what did the text messages say?

Bf said that he was deeply embarrassed and spent yesterday phoning people at the do to apologise for his behaviour. He had too much to drink and was being arguementive to most people. I have never seen him like that before. The messages were vile. They were calling me names and blaming me for causing trouble in his marriage. This is because he was damn well told sleep in the spare room and behave by my friend when he arrived home. He obvs thought I was to blame as I had asked him to stop drinking and calm down earlier in the night.