Nursery - how much of an issue would this be for you?

[itsfrompenzance]

Looked round a very nice nursery last week, with lots of outdoor space, great activities and a relaxed vibe. We are interested in this particular nursery because of its physical setting (loads of countryside and a Forest School). I also really liked the owner and the manager. The behaviour of the children was generally good.

BUT

One of the children is the owner’s child. This child was quite forward during the look-around and my own child got a bit of a fright from them; although the behaviour wasn’t bad or anything, a small toy got thrown about and hit my child.

My concern is whether this child might be allowed to dominate the setting. My instinct says it might be an issue, given how the dynamic seemed on the day.

Please vote YABU if this wouldn’t bother you or if, in your experience, it hasn’t been an issue in similar situations.

Please YANBU (and comment if possible) if you would go elsewhere.

The voting %s are just getting tighter and I am no more enlightened!

I do think it’s a conflict of interest. Some people deal really well with that, others don’t. It’s hard to know without seeing my child in the setting for longer whether my gut feeling is well-founded.

There are so many good things about the setting, on the other hand. It has a good Ofsted rating, a playing field, lovely walks and tracks for the children etc.

Torn!

I would see it as a positive that the owner chooses to send their child there.

I don't imagine that childcare professionals would allow one child to 'dominate', but I would ask for a second viewing if it concerns you.

I’ve worked in places where the owners grandchild was in the class, and his mother was the manager and another where the child’s mother was one of the staff members and it definitely does have an impact. The place where the owners grandchild was there he ruled the roost. Always got to choose activities, had different food to everyone else if he didn’t like the dinner and it really upset the dynamic in the room, and wasn’t fair on the other children. It also wasn’t fair on us as staff as he was quite loud and could be bold but we weren’t able to discipline him the same as we would other the other children.

The fact that the owner's child is there might be a red herring, but I can't say I would be thrilled if I was looking around a nursery and a child threw a toy which hit my child and it wasn't really addressed at all. I don't mean there needs to be a telling off or anything, but I would at least expect a member of staff to be apologetic and check my child was okay.

In all the nurseries I've worked in we aren't allowed to be in the same room as a family members child. It's a huge conflict of interest, and without meaning it the children do get special treatment. I've worked in nurseries where children of staff have been in different rooms yet they've gotten special treatment still because they're their friends child or because mummy's next door so she can come and cuddle them if needed. I wouldn't send my child to this nursery, the one I'm currently in do think eventually my daughter will be sent there but I won't because I can't see it being beneficial for either of us. The managers child will definitely be ruling the roost unfortunately

Honestly I wouldn't go for it if you not totally comfortable settling in them moving them can be hard. Better to find somewhere your happy.

The fact the toy throwing wasn't addressed would worry me.

When children are in the same setting as their parent I find it goes one of two ways - either the child gets away with everything because other staff don't like chastising them with their parent nearby, or the opposite and they get away with absolutely nothing because their parent feels under pressure and expects better for them. The latter is more common in schools I've worked in and also in the afterschool care/playscheme setting I run.

Either way it does add to the dynamic in a way that is different from unrelated/unknown children and staff.

I'd go and have another look around then trust your instinct.

Also, don't be afraid to ask. Even in a light hearted way ask does she not miss getting a break from her lo or outright ask if incidents involving her child are dealt with by another member of staff. I've been asked that and it didn't make me think anything other than the parent was just taking care of where they sent their child.

I’m not sure anybody realised that the toy had hit her, otherwise I would definitely have expected an apology. There were just a few kids in a circle and some toys being passed about.

It’s a difficult one because yes, she does work in the same room, and she manages all the staff would potentially step in.

Another visit, I think.

Thanks, everyone.

Sorry if I have missed this but how do you know it was the owners child that threw the toy?

It’s fairly common for staffs children to go to the nursery that they work in, you could turn this down in favour of another one but what would happen if later down the line the owners child joined that nursery. You can’t dictate what children go where and when.

I would be concerned if the incident wasn’t properly dealt with though. Can you go back and see if you feel differently after that?

My DD was the dominant one in the setting she was in but the other kids loved her. She had a fantastic imagination and involved anyone who wanted to join in. When she was leaving to go to kindergarten the organisers told me they didn’t know what they were going to do without her.

I agree your instincts are important, but I'd say given there's so much else you value about this place, it might be worth giving it a try? From what you describe they dealt with it appropriately - comforted her, made sure she was ok. You do say you didn't see it and it's not clear others saw it either, and that sort of situation is genuinely difficult to deal with really.

Boysnme

It was definitely that child, based on the reaction of the other member of staff telling them it was okay, they hadn’t done anything wrong etc. That’s why I don’t think the staff member saw the toy hit her.

And it’s unlikely based on location that they would come across each other in another nursery, but in another nursery I wouldn’t be worried because it’s the conflict of interest that (potentially) worries me.

SarahAndQuack

That’s also pretty sensible advice. I did like them.

Okay, Sarah and others who suggest giving them a go - I think I’ll go with that. I’m not working at the moment so pulling her out of it isn’t working out isn’t an issue.

🤞

Good luck! It's such an anxious thing, I think. I love DD's nursery and they're excellent, but I really worried about it when she started. I do hope it works out!

LIt sounds like no one actually saw what happened so would be difficult for anyone to determine any sort of telling off.

I’m not sure why you are saying you won’t come across this in other nurseries, you are likely to have staff children in any nursery. You could also go this week and there be no staff children but next week they employ someone who takes their child. It’s the same thing as this and you can’t control it so if that conflict of interest is your concern then I don’t see how you get past this.

I’d be more concerned though that it seems like no one saw a child (regardless of who that child is) throw a toy at another child.

Lots of ursery,s have staff children and yes it can cause some issues, but on the whole I wouldn,t jusge on that. It was unfortunate about the flying toy. Why not ask for a second visit to be sure.

I’d be more concerned though that it seems like no one saw a child (regardless of who that child is) throw a toy at another child.

That doesn’t really worry me. You can’t have eyes on a child 100% of the time.

But I don’t think I said I wouldn’t come across this at other nurseries.

If the own's child was there and at the older end I'd be surprised if she wasn't a bit overconfident.
She probably spends most days there, and has done since babyhood, so it's more like coming into her home,

Witchend

Yes, it’s quite likely that the child is there every day, both sessions, and has seen lots of children come and go, and has always been part of that environment, so might be being a little territorial?

Well, anyway, the plan is to go back for another visit and see how we go. Thanks everyone, for contributing views.

You said you weren’t worried about other nurseries as it was the potential conflict of interest you were concerned about.

I was only pointing out that you could have that conflict of interest in any nursery

Motherhood comes with a bonus named maternal instinct. Listen to it.
My "instinct" is wrong at least 50% of the time.

What I meant was that I wouldn’t worry if this particular child did move nurseries to the one my child was in, because if they did the conflict would be gone.

But yes, I know this could be the case anywhere. But this is the point of deciding, so it’s either find another nursery where this isn’t the case and hope for the best, or cross fingers and hope it won’t be an issue here.

My "instinct" is wrong at least 50% of the time.

Mine is usually pretty reliable. I think I’m probably right that this child is quite dominant. The unknown is how they usually deal with that.