Nursery - how much of an issue would this be for you?

[itsfrompenzance]

Looked round a very nice nursery last week, with lots of outdoor space, great activities and a relaxed vibe. We are interested in this particular nursery because of its physical setting (loads of countryside and a Forest School). I also really liked the owner and the manager. The behaviour of the children was generally good.

BUT

One of the children is the owner’s child. This child was quite forward during the look-around and my own child got a bit of a fright from them; although the behaviour wasn’t bad or anything, a small toy got thrown about and hit my child.

My concern is whether this child might be allowed to dominate the setting. My instinct says it might be an issue, given how the dynamic seemed on the day.

Please vote YABU if this wouldn’t bother you or if, in your experience, it hasn’t been an issue in similar situations.

Please YANBU (and comment if possible) if you would go elsewhere.

the other thing to consider is ime there is a certain about of rough and tumble involved with children, a CM could be a better option if you have a DC that finds other kids a bit much at times. Both of mine would probably have been better in smaller settings.

what happened when the toy was thrown? My DD went to a very unstructured nursery and they didn't do anything when they throw toys which is pretty dangerous. I'd advise always going with your gut feel - a second look, or keep looking.

I didn’t see it thrown, but saw my child crying. Then the other child started crying (my child has a loud and plaintive wail!) I think because they were worried they’d hurt someone. The member of staff comforted my child until I came over. Nothing else, really.

the other thing to consider is ime there is a certain about of rough and tumble involved with children, a CM could be a better option if you have a DC that finds other kids a bit much at times.

My child doesn’t find other kids a bit much, but being hit in the head must have hurt.

Another nursery may have equally dominant children there who are not staff children but you would have the same issues with dynamics in the group, if that makes sense?

Definitely and I wouldn’t expect any pre school or nursery not to have its share of “confident” children. 😂 But it’s how it’s dealt with, IYSWIM.

so they didn't tell the owner's kid off for throwing toys? That'd be a red flag for me. I'd be worried about my DC picking that up.

Mine have been bitten, pushed, hit, pinched, trippe, fallen over things at preschool and school - all treated as fairly normal, suspect it is normal for nursery/preschool/early primary settings.

Comforting your child is good but they should've discouraged the other child from throwing imho.

the personalities aren't the issue, agree you'll always get that kind of thing, the issue would be how they dealt with the undesirable behaviour.

so they didn't tell the owner's kid off for throwing toys? That'd be a red flag for me. I'd be worried about my DC picking that up.

Not really, but to be fair I didn’t see the toy get thrown. I was in conversation with the owner so she didn’t see it either. It’s more that I assume that’a what happened because my child has a mark on their head and the owner’s child was upset. The member of staff who was sitting with them just said, “Oh, I think you gave them a fright with the toy!” to the child. And I assumed that was all that had happened. But then I found a mark on my child.

Hmm. Possibly a second visit is in order. I guess I'd also worry about other members of staff being too restrained with the owner's child.

If your child was upset I suspect it would have very little to do with a particular child being the child of one of the staff.
It either means your child isn't ready, or just needs to settle in, or that the member of staff-parent isn't being very professional, or that that specific child has behaviours which need addressing.

IME it's quite common for the children of staff to go to the nursery their parent works at. It makes sense. I have seen it a few times and it was never an issue.

If the child is being favoured then other parents will notice. The owner is not actually likely to be working in one of the rooms, are they?

Can you explain what you mean by "the behaviour of the children was generally good"? What age children are we talking about?

What happened when your child got hit by the toy?

I would be a bit put off tbh. If there was an incident between that child and your own would you feel comfortable bringing that up with the owner as opposed to just another unrelated child. I would be concerned as well if everyone else would be a bit more favored to the other child and overlook incidents. If they werent in the same class/group then it wouldnt bother me as much.

It would bother me and I would continue to look at other nurseries. This was part of the reason, other factors involved, that I vetoed one nursery for ds. I've worked in nurseries and unless I got a very good feeling from the manager/staff working with them a senior member of staff's child in the setting would bother me a lot. I know what the dynamics of nurseries can be like and that staff would be likely to little management's little ones get away with more for a quiet life if they are more difficult.

The nursery he does attend actually does have the manager and deputy manager's children attend but the children are clearly held to the same if not a slightly higher expectation as the other children. The managers children are older but attend the holiday provision and are expected to set and example. Both are very clear with prospective parents that their children aren't special cases and the same rules apply. Any staff who have children who attend are placed in a different room.

It wouldn't sit well with me if one of their children had essentially been allowed to show off while their parent was showing a prospective parent around. I worked with a woman who found it difficult enough switching from Aunty to nursery nurse when her neice was in our setting. It blurred alsorts of lines and the manager really regrted not moving her to a different room right away (we'd just had a routine change of room leaders and she had hoped the lady would be able to keep her professional persona enough to make it work).

I guess I'd also worry about other members of staff being too restrained with the owner's child.

That’s exactly it. I’m concerned that this child gets away with behaviour that would be corrected with other children. If they’re naturally confident and a bit dominant anyway, that could be a difficult combination.

But it could be that a second visit deals with those concerns.

I'd do another visit.

@Honeybee85 is right. Listen to your instinct

It's a tricky one. My ds went to a nursery with a child of a teacher and it was fine. E teacher was probably tougher on her child than any other.

Ds is now in school and his teacher also has a child in the class. Absolutely no problems whatsoever. I've never given either situation a second thought.

Having said that, there is that instinct in childcare setting you can't ignore. Ds's first playgroup he went to I pulled him out completely because I had a bad vibe about the teacher. Turns out I was right.

TheOrigFV45

I’ve said what happened above. She was upset because she got hit in the face by a flying object, which left a mark, so I don’t think it has to do with readiness.

But generally the kids were playing nicely, not too rowdy, following instructions, etc.

If there was an incident between that child and your own would you feel comfortable bringing that up with the owner as opposed to just another unrelated child.

I would, but I’m not sure I would feel confident it would be dealt with. It’s a conflict of interest, isn’t it?

It wouldn't sit well with me if one of their children had essentially been allowed to show off while their parent was showing a prospective parent around.

It did feel a bit like that.

My daughter goes to a nursery where one of the workers had a child in the room, and that child seemed quite dominant and my daughter was quite wary around him. I stuck with it though as the nursery otherwise ticked all the boxes and wherever they go you run the risk of mismatched personalities. I'm glad I did because they actually have become good friends and play together the majority of the time.

I think you do have to use your instinct but balance it with realistic expectations. If it really doesn't sit right with you, go elsewhere. But at the same time understand that where there are multiple children, instances like this are going to happen, you just have to decide if how they managed it is acceptable, especially considering you didn't see what actually happened

I voted YANBU as I think it would be impossible for the owner to not favour their child in some way. I was a Nursery Teacher for a while ,and there was a rule that if a Staff members child was there they would not be in the same room as their parent. Maybe some other Nursery Settings may be worth a look ?

Can you all try and imagine for a second if you had an important event on at work, one where you knew you had to impress your boss, and you had to bring your child along too. Do you think they’d be on their best behaviour or do you think they’d be a little sh*t?
I’m a childminder and look after my own daughter alongside several other children with my partner and co minder. There is absolutely no favouritism when I’m working. If anything, I find myself being harder on my daughter because I have higher expectations of her, which I’m working on. The children all know that they are loved and valued within the setting. They know that my daughter is my daughter, and that ultimately this is her home, but I don’t believe that is to their detriment at all and the children in my setting are happy, settled and well rounded.
Having said all that, my gosh can she play up when she knows something is important to me. She was vile to another little girl her age when they first came around to see us. Lots of snatching, pushing and shoving which is SO unlike her (14 months old at the time). She sensed that I was slightly stressed and that her behaviour was making me more so, and she didn’t like that so much of my attention was on the parents. I came back to work when she was 2 weeks old so she’s used to having to share my attention with other children... but not adults too! Thankfully the parents recognised that she’s a child with her own emotions and off days, and decided to put their child in anyway. The girls get on amazingly now and my daughter’s behaviour is monitored the same way as all the other children in the setting.
I’d be highly surprised if favouritism was happening in a setting where any childcare professional was present, and I think unless your child becomes unhappy there it’s pointless to waste time pondering if a problem may or may not present itself.

I completely disagree it’s a conflict of interest if someone had a problem with the nursery owners child too. Surely any rational parent would be mortified if their child was causing another child upset at nursery, especially if they’ve witnessed it themselves!

Sorry OP, I sent my reply having only read the first page...hadn't realised it had gone to 2 and see you've answered most of my questions.

I would be worried about the other nursery staff feeling unable to address behaviour issues with the owner's child, fortunately you saw an example of this whilst you were actually there.

I would listen to your instincts and look elsewhere. The dynamic could be fairly toxic for your child otherwise.

dottiedodah I remember now, that's what happened at my sons' nursery, the child of any staff member was in a different room.