To want to fall asleep in silence?

[polkastripe]

My partner and I have been "living together" for six weeks but he's only actually home every other weekend due to work and study. He's back now for a week, came home on Thursday. I have a (very demanding and currently unwell) twelve month old son from my previous relationship, my new partner doesn't help me at all with him but will sometimes give me a lift to drop him off/pick him up from the childminder.

Last night he wanted to watch a film in bed and put one on Netflix on the tv. It was getting late and my son wakes at 7am, it takes me a long time to get to sleep too, I asked him to turn it off as I needed to get to sleep or else I would be very tired the following day. He said that I had to compromise because he likes to fall asleep with the tv on (this is only a new thing that he's suddenly came up with) but I said that I really struggle to sleep with it on. I said that if he had work in the morning and I was doing something that was preventing him from sleeping, he would be very upset.

He said that sleep deprivation is part of motherhood and that when I wake up I can come downstairs and "chill" and that I can still make a cup of tea and go on my phone and it's not at all like having to go to work.

I'm struggling with single motherhood. I'm postnatally depressed and he knows this, he's apologised for his comment about motherhood but I feel as if he's only apologised to save an argument.

Should I just stay quiet about him wanting to watch the TV to fall asleep? AIBU to think he's being unfair?

I want to add that before he put the film on I asked him not to put anything on as I wanted to sleep, but he did anyway.

Living together doesn't seem to be working, he's inconsiderate and he doesn't want to be a stepfather

Tell him to move back out

If you have a 12 month old from a previous relationship then it is obvious that you've moved in together too quickly. I'm of the view that the bedroom should be a TV free space and I wouldn't put up with it.

Im wondering with a 12month old was now the right time to embark on cohabitating? Sounds like you've had a tough time of late. I need absolute silence and darkness to sleep op so you have my sympathy. Could he not watch tv downstairs? Separate rooms? I'd get this nipped in the bud ASAP

Oysterbabe

Yes, it has been fairly quick. I had to leave my previous home due to unforeseen circumstances and had nowhere else to live.

My DH also likes to fall asleep listening to something, whereas I need silence. The compromise is sleep headphones! If he wants to watch something I can use an eye mask to block out the light and the noise doesn't effect me because of the headphones. We've been doing this for years and everyone is happy.

Whose house is it? Can you move in with a friend or family member while you get back on your feet? Far too soon for a new relationship.

He needs to wear headphones. If he's this much of a dick so early on in the relationship though you'd be better off getting rid of him.

“Sleep deprivation is part of motherhood” yes from the baby not your partner, what an utter idiot. He doesn’t seem to want to help you but he’s actually making your life harder by not letting you sleep.

You need to put yourself and your child first.

If he’s not going to help enrich your life in any way, then you’re better off without him.

I think you should start to investigate options for living alone, and put aside what money you can. You're in a really vulnerable position moving in with him so quickly. It might just be teething issues, but it might be the start of him showing his true colours.

You've moved in to his house with your baby because you have nowhere else to live. I understand that's a tough situation but you need to work on getting out and getting your own place.

TeachesOfPeaches

It's his parents' house. The only family I have nearby are my parents and they won't have us live with them. No friends around either.

Twat. He could get a tablet and headphones and watch in silence.

Buy him some wireless headphones, then he can hear the telly without you being disturbed. You might need an eye-mask though I find the light doesn't bother me. Living together is all about compromise.

Codename

I moved in with him because I love him, and wanted to. But it happened more quickly than it would've done if I wouldn't have became 'homeless'.

You moved in too quick and it isn’t working. He doesn’t want to be a step dad and is a selfish arse. Contact your council and ask about housing if you have no other options.

I wonder if he's maybe making a point that YOU have moved in with HIM so he's not changing his routine to accommodate you and your child?

You need to find somewhere else to live, and it's probably not the right time to be getting into such a serious relationship.

I’m sorry, your situation sounds really difficult and I don’t have a good answer for where you can go and live comfortably. But this man is nasty and will not treat you well. You need to make plans to live independently with your son and leave this selfish, unpleasant man behind you.

He’s already told you everything you need to know about his lack of concern for your comfort, happiness and health.

Postnatal depression is really rough - is your GP aware? Can you speak to your local Citizens Advice Bureau about your housing options?

In the meantime, as someone who needs absolute silence to sleep, i’ve started using silicone ear plugs - about £10 for four pairs from Amazon. They work like a charm. With that and an eye mask my sleep has really improved. (Although if my partner insisted on watching telly in bed, despite knowing it keeps me awake, i’d be too angry to sleep!)

I think you need to contact women's aid or the council housing dept and find a better solution. This relationship is moving a bit too quick and is not working out.
Sending best wishes.

Exactly what @puddleducker said! Eye masks and head phones. We're similar in this house except it's DH who needs silence and dark and I like the tv in background to fall to sleep. Headphones and eye masks work for us... as does one of us going to the spare room to sleep but I'm guessing you don't have that luxury in his parents house. So eye masks and headphones or constant arguments.

On a totally different note, he clearly doesn't want to be a step dad.

he said that I had to compromise because he likes to fall asleep with the tv on

Hold on. His logic fail is embarrassing him.
How is it a "compromise" for him to get his way 100%, & you 0%?
How is his preference trumping yours here?
Male entitlement classic.

He said that sleep deprivation is part of motherhood
Oh, that's ok then.
Until the mansplaining I was struggling to understand.
I expect 'partnership' means he gets to make all the choices, & do nothing to support your parenthood.

I had to leave my previous home due to unforeseen circumstances and had nowhere else to live.
Oh sweetheart.
& now you are dependent on him, here he is in his glorious, selfish colours.
He is utterly disrespectful of your needs, & obviously feels you should suck it up because he has the upper hand, housing wise.

He sounds so unpleasant OP.
Does he undermine, diminish, & dismiss you in other areas too?
How far are you from friends & family now? Are you feeling isolated?
Are you able to explore alternative living arrangements?

I am so sorry that you are having to experience this immense selfishness & disregard. If he is like this at the outset of living together, how do you see things progressing?

TresDesolee

Thank you. My GP is aware and I'm under a mental health team for pregnant women/mothers.

I have thought about earplugs but I'm worried that I won't hear my son if he wakes up in the night.

The only family I have nearby are my parents and they won't have us live with them.
Aha. Would your parents let just YOU & the baby live with them?

No friends around either.
Can I suggest that you would be much better off for emotional support & outlets to ease PND if you lived closer to friends?
You know, people who actually give a shot about you, & don't fuck your sleep up, or dismiss your needs, & who are interested in your baby?

Please get on to CAB, Womens Aid, your parents ... living with Mr Entitled's parents is doing you zero favours.

You need people on Team Polka, & your boyfriend ain't one of them.

Clicked on this as I like falling asleep to radio 4 and wondered if this was going to he similar but oh no ..... this is so much more than falling asleep with background noise.

I'm sorry your parents won't have you but you're literally like a pinball between bad relationships. Perhaps your poor relationship with your parents is influencing your choices in men.

Whereabouts in the UK are you, if indeed you are the UK? If no women's aid is there another organisation you can contact? Any girlfriends or old school friends that can offer you a bed? I'd happily take in any old friends of my DD in similar position.

Hope you find somewhere.