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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to fall asleep in silence?

111 replies

polkastripe · 10/11/2019 10:26

My partner and I have been "living together" for six weeks but he's only actually home every other weekend due to work and study. He's back now for a week, came home on Thursday. I have a (very demanding and currently unwell) twelve month old son from my previous relationship, my new partner doesn't help me at all with him but will sometimes give me a lift to drop him off/pick him up from the childminder.

Last night he wanted to watch a film in bed and put one on Netflix on the tv. It was getting late and my son wakes at 7am, it takes me a long time to get to sleep too, I asked him to turn it off as I needed to get to sleep or else I would be very tired the following day. He said that I had to compromise because he likes to fall asleep with the tv on (this is only a new thing that he's suddenly came up with) but I said that I really struggle to sleep with it on. I said that if he had work in the morning and I was doing something that was preventing him from sleeping, he would be very upset.

He said that sleep deprivation is part of motherhood and that when I wake up I can come downstairs and "chill" and that I can still make a cup of tea and go on my phone and it's not at all like having to go to work.

I'm struggling with single motherhood. I'm postnatally depressed and he knows this, he's apologised for his comment about motherhood but I feel as if he's only apologised to save an argument.

Should I just stay quiet about him wanting to watch the TV to fall asleep? AIBU to think he's being unfair?

OP posts:
GleamInYourEyes · 10/11/2019 12:52

Can you defer your midwifery course for a year?

It sounds like you really need to prioritise finding stable accommodation for you and your baby and sorting your mental health out.
The current set up and being so reliant on a new boyfriend and his parents really isn't healthy, and your degree course is extremely full on.

fedup21 · 10/11/2019 12:55

I can't get away from him, he's the only person I have. The only time I socialise is with him, I will be all alone and nobody my age has children.

That is not a good reason to be living with someone.

How long have you been living with his parents? Do they know you’re planning on living there for the eat part of 4 years?

BarbedBloom · 10/11/2019 12:57

This situation is so precarious. He could dump you at any time and you would have nowhere to go, which would be even worse during a midwifery degree. My friend with children was almost done in by hers and she had her husband to support her and childcare.

You really have to make other arrangements and also, make some friends seperate to him. It isn't healthy to make one person solely responsible for your emotional needs. I am only saying this as you said you would be totally alone without him.

GleamInYourEyes · 10/11/2019 12:58

I can't get away from him, he's the only person I have. The only time I socialise is with him, I will be all alone and nobody my age has children.
OP, please work on yourself and your son - don't let yourself become reliant on this man!
Go to the council and declare yourself homeless, take the emergency accommodation
Get in touch with HomeStart and see if they can match you with a volunteer to support you
See if there's a Children's Centre near you that has a baby group or young parents' group, or start going to a toddler group
Make sure you're getting all the benefits you're entitled too

You need to make a support network for yourself. Once you and your baby are in a stable situation, then you can start thinking about boyfriends and degrees.
You really nee

littlehappyhippo · 10/11/2019 13:01

@Oysterbabe

If you have a 12 month old from a previous relationship then it is obvious that you've moved in together too quickly. I'm of the view that the bedroom should be a TV free space and I wouldn't put up with it.

This. Sorry @polkastripe but you've moved your DP in too soon. Not fair on anyone. You, your small baby, OR your DP.

Tell him to move out.

makingmammaries · 10/11/2019 13:06

As a compromise, sleep in your DS’s room. Even if he is a light sleeper, he will quickly get used to you being there. Maybe your obnoxious partner will learn a few manners, though I don’t hold out much hope.

MitziK · 10/11/2019 13:06

I can't get away from him, he's the only person I have. The only time I socialise is with him, I will be all alone and nobody my age has children

You don't have him. He has you. Right where he wants you - so dependent and frightened that he can do whatever he likes to you, including dictate when you are permitted to sleep.

Unless you're seven years old and the current world record holder for both giving birth, there are always other people your age with children. I'm assuming you're young - 17? 18? 19? - plenty out there - and getting help to house yourself and your son will mean you are able to meet them and older women, say mid twenties, thirties and forties, who would also be able to be friends and support.

littlehappyhippo · 10/11/2019 13:07

Just RTFT sorry! Blush

Yeah you need to go see CAB or the council, see if you can get temp accommodation (with a view to permanent.)

This is all so odd. This man's parents wanting his new girlfriend to move in, with her baby (that is NOT their son's.) Confused

Greenkit · 10/11/2019 13:11

Tell him to fuck the fuck off.

Go get yourself some accommodation where you can sleep to your hearts content and not live with mr selfish

AlexaAmbidextra · 10/11/2019 13:13

Tell him to move out.

I do wish people would RTFT. She’s living with him in HIS parent’s house.

Ladyratterley · 10/11/2019 13:17

He sounds like a total nob. That comment about sleep deprivation being part of motherhood?! I have no words.
My DH likes to listen to the radio around the house and to get to sleep. I like silence. The compromise is that sometimes he puts headphones on when he’s listening to it around the house & it’s annoying me. And at night he has a pillow speaker. That’s what you do when you’re a team. Work out a compromise.

dudsville · 10/11/2019 13:17

When life is difficult then people can get pushed in to making decisions that aren't the best. I think this is one of those times OP. Be hyper vigilant around your child, a lot of posters here are concerned about this take heed, there's good reason for this concern.

Look for ways to get your relationship back on to an equal footing by gaining your independence.

In answer to your initial question. Of course it's ok to want to go to sleep in silence, but you are in a dependent, not equal relationship, and are therefore reliant upon his and his family's kindness. This is a bad situation but, going back to the start of my post, when we're backed into a corner sometimes needs must.

AuntGinny · 10/11/2019 13:17

I think you need to be realistic about your life. Find a job, and get on the housing list, temporary accommodation if you need it. Get out and make some friends, too. And prioritise yourself, your son and a home over becoming a midwife. Maybe get a job in a hospital so it's not totally off or care work, something that supports midwifery or nursing.

littlehappyhippo · 10/11/2019 13:21

@AlexaAmbidextra

I do wish people would RTFT. She’s living with him in HIS parent’s house.

That's rich, telling people to read the thread properly! Hmm

I posted at 13.01, and then posted again just TWO POSTS DOWN, (and six minutes later,) to say sorry I hadn't read the full thread, but now have, (and answered accordingly!)

So maybe you should take your OWN advice, and read the full thread before you scold people hmmm? Hmm

Original poster
polkastripe · 10/11/2019 13:29

My son is fine, my boyfriend is only here every other weekend and when he is here he does interact with him. I enjoy my relationship with him but there are downsides too, the same as any relationship. I don't feel like emergency accommodation is necessary and this definitely isn't abuse.

Is it weird, his parents wanting my son and I to move in? I never saw it as weird. They're good people and they're really helping us out, I would do the same for my son and his girlfriend.

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 10/11/2019 13:31

So maybe you should take your OWN advice, and read the full thread before you scold people hmmm?

You were missing a salient point. I wasn’t. Hmmm?

avocadoze · 10/11/2019 13:38

I think you’re in more of a precarious position than you’re admitting to yourself. You are living with this man because you’re out of other options. He’s not treating you well. How badly does he have to behave before you look at alternative options? By that point, will you have the mental strength to move away? Even if you don’t take up the other options, you put yourself and your son in a safer position if you find out what they are, so that if your DP continues to treat you badly and upset you, you know you don’t simply have to tolerate it.

No one deserves to be treated badly by their partner. Every child deserves to be raised in a safe place, by a parent or parents who themselves feel safe. Flowers

messolini9 · 10/11/2019 13:54

I don't feel like emergency accommodation is necessary
& what would happen if that decision is out of your hands, as it will be if boyfriend doesn't want to be with you anymore? You cannot plan for 4 years of living arrangements on someone else's whim.

and this definitely isn't abuse.
It definitely is.
Are you aware that deliberate sleep deprivation is classed as torture?

ASandwichNamedKevin · 10/11/2019 13:59

You are deluding yourself OP to say this definitely isn't abuse. As a PP said circumstances have made you feel this is the least worst option.

Emergency housing is not easy but is a better solution than tip toeing round and being beholden to him and his parents.
On balance it seems weird that they were keen to have you move in. They are his parents and will take his side. Maybe they think you're a stabilising influence on him.

You need to prioritise your baby and your mental health.
If you still want to be in a relationship with him then take it slow, though if you were my sister I'd advise you to get away from him and don't look back.

GleamInYourEyes · 10/11/2019 14:01

When you have a baby reliant on you, you really can't afford to put yourself in a precarious position like this.

Your boyfriend isn't abusive now, but what if he was? What would you be willing to do/put up with to keep a roof over your son's head? It's really not a safe position to be in.

It seems like you're prepared to tolerate a lot now to ensure you can do your degree. But your degree can wait - lots of parents do degrees as mature students (I did). Concentrate on your mental health and a secure home now - the degree can still happen when you're in a more stable situation.

crispycrisis · 10/11/2019 14:08

If he wants nothing to do with help raise your baby then you need to do it alone. A man who chooses to live and love. Woman with a baby must be prepared to help raise them. He can't just pretend the baby doesn't exist

MinnieMountain · 10/11/2019 14:16

You say "he does upset me quite a lot

MinnieMountain · 10/11/2019 14:21

Sorry...
In what ways does he upset you?

fedup21 · 10/11/2019 14:24

My son is fine, my boyfriend is only here every other weekend

I’m surprised his parents are happy to have you and your child there 24/7 when he is only there 2 nights out of 14! How long have you been there? Are you paying towards bills/food/council tax etc?

Bluelightdistrict · 10/11/2019 14:28

Is it weird, his parents wanting my son and I to move in?

Yes. I can't imagine upping sticks and moving my one year old into a new partner's family home when he isn't their father. My DC is my responsibility, I couldn't put that on unrelated strangers.

Also, if he's still living at home and you have a child it doesn't sound like you're at the same place.

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