To want to fall asleep in silence?

[polkastripe]

My partner and I have been "living together" for six weeks but he's only actually home every other weekend due to work and study. He's back now for a week, came home on Thursday. I have a (very demanding and currently unwell) twelve month old son from my previous relationship, my new partner doesn't help me at all with him but will sometimes give me a lift to drop him off/pick him up from the childminder.

Last night he wanted to watch a film in bed and put one on Netflix on the tv. It was getting late and my son wakes at 7am, it takes me a long time to get to sleep too, I asked him to turn it off as I needed to get to sleep or else I would be very tired the following day. He said that I had to compromise because he likes to fall asleep with the tv on (this is only a new thing that he's suddenly came up with) but I said that I really struggle to sleep with it on. I said that if he had work in the morning and I was doing something that was preventing him from sleeping, he would be very upset.

He said that sleep deprivation is part of motherhood and that when I wake up I can come downstairs and "chill" and that I can still make a cup of tea and go on my phone and it's not at all like having to go to work.

I'm struggling with single motherhood. I'm postnatally depressed and he knows this, he's apologised for his comment about motherhood but I feel as if he's only apologised to save an argument.

Should I just stay quiet about him wanting to watch the TV to fall asleep? AIBU to think he's being unfair?

What are you doing for childcare when you start study and work OP?

Wrong
I have a childminder that accommodates shift work and does overnight care.

Redexpat
No, the uni I'll be attending doesn't have family accommodation.

Bluelight
His parents were very excited for us to move in, they pushed for it. I was reluctant but he and his parents convinced me.

Why would his parents be 'excited' for you to move in with your new baby that isn't his? How old are you both?

If you were reluctant to move in, what was your alternative at that time? Do that.

But he obviously has no interest in your baby if he does nothing to help you. And telling you to get used to sleep deprivation because that's motherhood?! Wtf is that?
He's not a good boyfriend op. He sounds awful. Moving out should be your no 1 priority and reconsidering the entire relationship.

There is a boat load of help available to single mums if you know where to look. You've already said your childminder can accommodate shifts and overnights so the only thing your boyfriend is providing is somewhere to live. If you're studying you will be entitled to some assistance and get your rent paid ON YOUR OWN PLACE WITH NO BEDROOM TV.

So move out. You don't need him.

Is your parents view on not having you and your son stay because they think the BF will come along too? I'm sorry you're in this position OP.

Hs parents were excited because they like me and love babies, they liked the idea of having a baby in the house I think.

The childminder that offers overnight care isn't his current childminder. She doesn't have space until next September.

My alternative was to go into emergency housing, which I really don't want to do now nor do I think it's necessary.

He does interact with my baby but probably not as much as I'd like, I don't think that I can expect him to help with him or fill a parent role when we haven't even been together for a year yet. My son's dad is also still involved. He sees him for 4ish hours every Saturday.

You can’t be with someone who chooses not to be involved when you have a child. It doesn’t work like that. You wait until you meet someone who wants to be a good step parent - your child deserves that.

OP has mentioned she has PND so I don't think it would be wise for her to live on her own, ideally with family or friends rather than this new relationship.

I was a single parent with an 8mo and working full time and I've never felt so isolated and lonely in my entire life, still in the same situation 3 years later.

Good luck with your course OP.

I was planning on living with my parents, but that's no longer an option

That’s a shame-what happened?

fedup
My mum stole money from me and it caused a huge argument.

Should I just stay quiet about him wanting to watch the TV to fall asleep? AIBU to think he's being unfair

You should pack his stuff and fuck him off.

He sounds a right selfish knob.

It'll feel pretty bloody necessary once you've been kept awake deliberately for ten months. You'll be at the point of hallucinations long before then.

And if he dumps you in the meantime? He can do what he likes, really, he's already deciding whether you are allowed to sleep or not. You could be out on your ear at a moment's notice. He could meet somebody at any point when he's away at work. He's not your child's father, he owes you nothing (and fairly clearly, doesn't give a shit about you if he's saying being tortured - which is what deliberate sleep deprivation is - is something you'll just have to suck up).

Emergency accommodation would at least get you some sleep and then you're on the list to be housed/assisted to find somewhere that you can afford and access the benefits and support that makes it possible.

And I hope to God that you've got long term contraception in place - if you get pregnant to him, you're fucked and will never get that career.

He said that sleep deprivation is part of motherhood and that when I wake up I can come downstairs and "chill" and that I can still make a cup of tea and go on my phone and it's not at all like having to go to work.

This is the most inconsiderate thing. Sleep deprivation is normal, so you need to do everything you can to reduce it. He’s adding to it for you.

You sound in quite a precarious situation but I would do everything possible to move out and stand on your own two feet.

He doesn’t sound like a nice boyfriend from what you’ve written, and to be honest, when you have a small baby and mental health issues, you’re not going to be in a good position to judge.

Could you speak with your GP / HV and Shelter about housing?

Your situation sounds extremely difficult. I understand you have overnight care in place for when you start your degree but who will have him after your night shift or will he stay with his childminder over night then all of the following day? What if you are on for 4 nights in a row?

I know you are struggling and have pnd but I think it's incredibly unfair to your DC to live with a person who shows no interest in them or willingness to take on any kind of parenting role with them despite being in a relationship with you. They and you deserve more than that. As difficult as it is you should be looking at alternative living arrangements.

How big is his parents house? Does your DC have his own room? Do his parents show interest him?

You should pack his stuff and fuck him off.

The OP is living in this man’s parents’ house-she isn’t in a position to pack his stuff and ‘fuck him off’!

OP-you are extremely vulnerable. I would delay the course and sort out my accommodation urgently.

You are basically trapped at the moment. No matter what this man does/says-you hold absolutely no cards here.

I see that now I've read the full thread.

I think in these circumstances emergency accom will be best.

What happened at your previous property op?

You have a baby, you’ve got PND and are under a mental health team, you’ve fallen out with your mother and your ‘boyfriend’,whose parents are putting you up, is prioritising watching a noisy film above your sleep because he thinks you should be sleep deprived.

I honestly don’t think you are going to last 5 minutes on a midwifery training course as things currently stand.

What are your other options, @polkastripe?

I'm with him usually in that I can't sleep easily in silence, I used to sleep to my TV when I lived by myself. I gave it up when fiancé moved in because he didn't want a TV in the bedroom. Now we sometimes sleep to podcasts if I'm struggling; or he is. Sometimes it's quiet. It's a compromise.

This man isn't willing to compromise. You're in a really awkward situation. You're basically trapped with him. It's too early to live with him, for you and your child.

I'd explore emergency accommodation and make plans to live together away from his parents in a year or two. Let the relationship develop.

He's usually very attentive and understanding of my mental health needs. He does upset me quite a lot,

These two statements contradict each other. He doesn’t care for you or your baby. You need to get away from him.

Where does the baby sleep? Can you and baby sleep together in a separate room?

the parents probably like it because now they not only have control over their son they have control over you and the baby too...more people to manipulate and play off against each other?

DS sleeps in a separate room, I could sleep in the room with him but he's a very light sleeper and I tense to disturb him with my restless sleep.

I'm going to stay at my parents' house tonight with my sister as they are at their caravan until tomorrow evening. I'll think more there.

His parents are good people and have been really good to us, I feel guilty that I'm even considering leaving when they have done so much for us and been so generous and kind.

I can't get away from him, he's the only person I have. The only time I socialise is with him, I will be all alone and nobody my age has children.