To want to fall asleep in silence?

[polkastripe]

My partner and I have been "living together" for six weeks but he's only actually home every other weekend due to work and study. He's back now for a week, came home on Thursday. I have a (very demanding and currently unwell) twelve month old son from my previous relationship, my new partner doesn't help me at all with him but will sometimes give me a lift to drop him off/pick him up from the childminder.

Last night he wanted to watch a film in bed and put one on Netflix on the tv. It was getting late and my son wakes at 7am, it takes me a long time to get to sleep too, I asked him to turn it off as I needed to get to sleep or else I would be very tired the following day. He said that I had to compromise because he likes to fall asleep with the tv on (this is only a new thing that he's suddenly came up with) but I said that I really struggle to sleep with it on. I said that if he had work in the morning and I was doing something that was preventing him from sleeping, he would be very upset.

He said that sleep deprivation is part of motherhood and that when I wake up I can come downstairs and "chill" and that I can still make a cup of tea and go on my phone and it's not at all like having to go to work.

I'm struggling with single motherhood. I'm postnatally depressed and he knows this, he's apologised for his comment about motherhood but I feel as if he's only apologised to save an argument.

Should I just stay quiet about him wanting to watch the TV to fall asleep? AIBU to think he's being unfair?

Yes polka, was just thinking earplugs aren’t great when you have babies, my kids are hulking teens now so I don’t have to worry so much about listening out for them.

That’s good that you’re getting care for your depression. Can you talk to your MH worker about what’s happening with your partner?

It might feel like some of us are overreacting to what you’ve said here, but honestly, your partner’s behaviour is really out of order here. You’re a new mum, you have depression and you’ve clearly had a rough time of it recently. Even if he usually needs the TV to fall asleep, a decent partner who loves you would have responded very differently when you explained why you needed silence.

It might seem like a little thing but it’s a huge indicator of how he’s going to behave towards you.

Sounds like a ridiculous relationship

He's not a partner, he's just some bloke taking up space in your home and being a nuisance
get rid of him

Oh yes he's got all the power here and he's making sure you know about it, this is a Bad Man, get away from him as soon as you can

He’s a selfish git and your situation is very precarious. For the sake of you and your child, you need other options. But keep it under your hat for now. And in the meantime, silicon earplugs.

My GP is aware and I'm under a mental health team for pregnant women/mothers.

OP, perinatal teams only work with parents up until a maximum of 12 months. And you said your DC is 12 months. So what's your plans regarding ongoing support?

Contact your council and explain you're homeless and require accommodation. It will be temporary at first, hostel etc but it's way too soon to move into his house.

Fwiw I have to fall asleep watching something also. Compromise is headphones and eye mask as pp said.

I don't know how I see things progressing. He's usually very attentive and understanding of my mental health needs. He does upset me quite a lot, but just normal things that happen in a relationship and I'm definitely very sensitive at the moment.

Moving isn't really an option as I'm currently a student and starting a midwifery degree in September. I don't make very much money at all. I'm worried that if I move, or leave him, I'll regret it. As he is a good boyfriend.

I have 'friends' nearby but they are all childless and work a lot. They don't really bother with me and haven't done since having DS. My nearest family are 1.5 hours away but I wouldn't be able to stay with them. They're very close to my parents and live in a two bed with two children and a dog.

Bluelights

I have my discharge appointment on Friday next week, I won't know until then what support I'll be receiving. I have to fill in a questionnaire type thing and they'll compare it to the one I filled in when I first used the service. I doubt my score will have improved.

The bedroom is no place for a television, except perhaps if you're ill and bed bound.

So are you saying that you have no option but to live with this man in his house until you have finished your midwifery course?

The course which you haven’t even started yet?

I love falling asleep with the tv on. You sound incompatible & looking at baby’s age & timeline was a huge mistake to move in with him. Go back to your parents just you & baby. Staying will be a bad decision you will regret.

Some people need background noise to fall asleep.

No, I'm not saying that I have no option to stay with him until I've finished my midwifery course. I'm saying that I'm not currently in a financial position to leave and that it will be more than three years until I am. I'm also not sure if I even want to leave.

I can't go back to my parents, they won't have me and my son.

Go to the GP, the HV, the council. They will help you apply for social housing, as it is impossible for you to live in what is already becoming abusive.

He is intentionally depriving you of sleep. He knows this and he is still doing it. That is abuse - more subtle than punching you, but abuse nonetheless.

Get help and get out. And then you never need have a TV on all night (or in your bedroom) ever again.

It's the one thing I won't budge on where DP is concerned, as I know exactly what it did to me when I had a baby. Our compromise is that he has a set of wireless earbuds and can listen to anything he likes on his phone/watch things on it.

I sleep alone with the radio on. If I sleep with someone, I don't. This man is NOT a 'good boyfriend'

Will your parents have you and your ds without your partner?

How were you going to fund your living costs whilst you studied before you met him?

Dave
No they won't.

Fedup
I was planning on living with my parents, but that's no longer an option.

Are you expecting this man will step up and care for your son whilst you are on night shifts and weekends and even day shifts as most childcare doesn’t open early or long enough to cover 13+ hour shifts? Because from the little you have said of him - and how little you can actually know him, this seems like madness!

Just think about that this absolute dock is going to be teaching your son about women if you stay for 4 years.

Get out, OP. HE isn’t a good boyfriend. He’s an arsehole. You and your son should come as a package. He doesn’t get to choose which bits he wants and which buys he doesn’t.

If youre studying is there no family accompdation provided by uni?

You are putting yourself in a very precarious position. They could ask you to leave anytime & where will you go? Go to your council & see if you can get a council house or on a wait list for one.

I hope you are not expecting this guy or his family to help watch your kid while you are on your course. Too many children in my country (aus) are murdered by the mother’s boyfriend when they shake them. Just don’t do it. Stand on your own two feet & stop relying on some random boyfriend to save you

OP, with respect, you have a 12 month old baby and he is not the father, he lives with his parents, if you want to be with him that is up to you but for the sake of your child you need independence.

If you're not working or studying, presume you're signed of sick with PND, you will be entitled to benefits.

I have a baby the same age and I would never ever consider moving in with a partner at any age, the only way I'd consider it is if the house was in both our names.

What did his parents say about his new partner moving in with an 11 month old that isn't their grandchild?

It's extremely rude to keep someone awake by making noise! Who gives a fuck if he thinks that sleep deprecation is a part of motherhood?! What a dick. Please OP, move back out. He has no respect for you.

I think I might just humour him for now whilst privately and secretly making a plan to leave him.
Can you start working on that plan and looking at your options?