To resent DH going out every week?

[AnuvvaMuvva]

I think IABU.

We moved here a few years ago and I found a local poker game in a pub. I took DH there and he loved it. It's all middle-aged men (like him) who drink loads of beer (like him) and play poker for a £5 stake. With beer, it's probably a £25-£30 night out.

For some reason, I'm really resentful of it! We don't go out because we're usually skint (I'm freelance and my earnings are feast or famine). But he'll go to this pub night rain or shine.

I'm not setting the world on fire with my own social life which is probably why I'm resentful.

I dunno. It just annoys me when he sails off to it every week, really excited, and leaves me here with the DC. Then in weekends where my ex has the DC, we don't do anything.

It all came out last night and I had a huge go at him. ☹️ He said, "We don't go out because we don't have any money!" But I pointed out that he always finds money for his weekly jaunt. AIBU?

For clarity, he's not tight with his own money at ALL. We have a joint account and he's never, ever, been stingy or tight with his money.

But he doesn't plan ahead either. I'm sort of forced to be the boring sensible person who checks the banking app, or makes a meal plan, etc. While he gets to be the fun one.

For even more clarity: he has a job he hates that he feels trapped in, because of its relatively high salary. So this weekly night is a way for him to blow off steam.

On nights he's here, it's pretty dull. We have a family dinner, then watch TV. I go to bed about 10.30pm, then he stays downstairs till after I'm asleep, watching TV or playing on the Xbox. At weekends, he'll stay downstairs alone drinking beer.

It's not great, is it?

It sounds like you need to sort out finances. DH and I both have the same amount of pocket money a month. Can you budget monthly from DH wages and uses yours for savings, Christmas and holidays?

Then with your monthly pocket money you can go out.

If you need to plan ahead, as does everyone then had a weekly household meeting.

Yanbu to be upset with the status quo but yabu to not say anything to DH and change the situation.

What stands out to me here is that you are talking about “his” money and “your” earnings. Do you actually share money? It doesn’t seem fair to me that you struggle to find cash for one night out and he goes every week, even if the amount he spends isn’t massive each time. But then there are so many people on MN whose underlying financial arrangements seem unreasonable to me.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd be pissed off if my DH went out every Saturday night. It would be nice if the weekend you didn't have your children you could go somewhere together. Its great that he enjoys it £25 doesn't sound much but if it's every week and you're skint it is a lot of money. X

Just seen your updates. How old are your kids? Can you get a baby sitter if older or try and do something special at home on a Saturday night (hard if kids go to bed late). Maybe poker, a board game, watch a specific film or turn of the TV put on some music for an hour and chat over a bottle of wine. It’s easy to get into a rut but you can get out of it.

It's a midweek night, not Saturday.

He also plays sport once a week.

Hi Anuv - no it’s not great. I think you need to try and establish some social life for yourself in any way you can. Not sure your working hours but some libraries have free classes, or meet up groups or excercise Ie free health walks. Look around your community.
Yes he’s entitled to go out but have you suggested going out one night when you don’t wave DC.
Life needs to be a variety as it’s gets boring.
You may not want to be petty but how about if you went out on a Friday night every week and see what he says. You don’t need to spend but see a friend or late night shopping.

On nights he's here, it's pretty dull. We have a family dinner, then watch TV. I go to bed about 10.30pm, then he stays downstairs till after I'm asleep, watching TV or playing on the Xbox. At weekends, he'll stay downstairs alone drinking beer.

We had this! It's no one's fault, really. Just somehow got into this boring rut. I got us few board games and we have a game night. Get drinks and nibbles in, turn tv off, put music on and it's great! And cheap. You can get plenty of second hand games online. Or you can eve, if you are into it, get a 2 player game on xbox. I personally preferred less technology.

I think it's a bit different with it being a week night . The going out wouldn't bother me if it was during the week and we also did things together as a couple. Him going out every week and then saying you're too skint to do anything together is what would piss me off.

Our weekends (without the DC) are so boring that I actually got a Saturday job in a shop on alternate weekends. That's such a laugh.

Another thing is, I've had anxiety the past year so I've got too scared to drive my car. So my world has shrunk. ☹️ That's not helping.

Him going out every week and then saying you're too skint to do anything together is what would piss me off.

Yes!!

I wonder if this is because you want to go out. Are you seeking help for your anxiety?

I also don't rally drink any more, and certainly not at home (what's the point?!) so I don't understand the appeal of sitting alone drinking beer.

But he likes it and as long as he doesn’t have an alcoholic problem and it’s not impacting on family then it shouldn’t be a problem to drink your own home.

I had a few sessions with a counsellor about the anxiety but I gave them up because they were £50 a week. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Perhaps go and see your GP about it. In our area you can sled refer for CBT.

I need to work on bringing in more money, getting over my driving terror, and finding more things to do.

If he works hard and isn't doing anyone harm he should be able to go out once a week. Sounds as though you need to get your own interest and activity to do. Some time for yourself.

The problem is he chooses to spend £30 on himself and you don't. You give things up for the sake of your family finances - even things you need like the anxiety counselling. While he prioritises his social life.

I don't think he's entirely wrong - it's not healthy to have no social life/pleasures. But you need to be able to have the same opportunities. And you need to work on ways of improving your leisure time together.

Is there anyway you can rejig your finances so you both have a similar amount of spending money? And you actually use yours for something for yourself.

You do say he earns a relatively high salary?

Why are you so broke if your husband earns well and you work also? Not having £200 pm for essentials like a therapy session sounds worrying. Where can you cut back?

Everyone needs to get out and do something nice for themselves once a week. Otherwise they get bored, frustrated and resentful. Men tend to do this more than women. Find something that you'd like to do once a week, rather than stopping him. At least you know where he is and what he's doing.

Focus on making your own life fulfilling. When you are truly happy and content, you don't look to others to fill the gap - and then get resentful when they don't.