To resent DH going out every week?

[AnuvvaMuvva]

I think IABU.

We moved here a few years ago and I found a local poker game in a pub. I took DH there and he loved it. It's all middle-aged men (like him) who drink loads of beer (like him) and play poker for a £5 stake. With beer, it's probably a £25-£30 night out.

For some reason, I'm really resentful of it! We don't go out because we're usually skint (I'm freelance and my earnings are feast or famine). But he'll go to this pub night rain or shine.

I'm not setting the world on fire with my own social life which is probably why I'm resentful.

I dunno. It just annoys me when he sails off to it every week, really excited, and leaves me here with the DC. Then in weekends where my ex has the DC, we don't do anything.

It all came out last night and I had a huge go at him. ☹️ He said, "We don't go out because we don't have any money!" But I pointed out that he always finds money for his weekly jaunt. AIBU?

I mean, if you really don't have any spare cash for yourself, fairness would be for him to go to the game once a fortnight and you have the £30 the alternate weeks for whatever you wanted to do.

Sort out the budget so you can restart your therapy. I think that has to be your first priority: getting better. Then you can think about finding a social life for yourself, and affordable things to do with your H when you have a childfree weekend.

Yeah but what will she do, category12? She needs to sort that out first, otherwise she'll be sat at home, and he will have given up his treat for no reason.

Put it towards her therapy for a start.

Could he go out every other week and then you could go to the cinema / for tea on the alternate?

Agree with restarting therapy but it also sounds like you need to reconnect with DH. Going out on the weekends doesn't have to be alcohol related. Is there some kind of activity you could be doing together - it doesn't have to cost much. Even getting out on some local walks, take a flask and a sandwich, go geocaching!! Or go to the cinema? Anything so you can reconnect and spend some proper time together.

Surely the issue is that you don't seem to have the inclination to do things on your own, my DH & I spend lots of evenings apart, not necessarily expensive but I go to a book club, WI, meet friends over a glass of wine, committee meetings etc. My DH spends time in the gym etc., you need to find some interests.

Why are you so broke if your husband earns well and you work also? Not having £200 pm for essentials like a therapy session sounds worrying. Where can you cut back?

He earns £41k. Out of that he pays £440 child support, and has a £270 car finance plan. That's that £700 gone straight away. Then it's just bills, mortgage... It vanishes.

Focus on making your own life fulfilling. When you are truly happy and content, you don't look to others to fill the gap - and then get resentful when they don't.

I would love to be less needy. I'm so independent and feisty when I'm single, but when I get married I become cripplingly needy. This happened in my first marriage too.

I also never suffered from depression or anxiety when I was single. Marriage seems to turn me into a wreck!

First time round I thought it was my exDH's fault because he really was horrible. But this DH is a really decent bloke so it's got to be my issues.

I am finding it hard to understand what you are annoyed about. Is it just the money?

If you are envious of him swanning out once a week, why don't you go out with him on the weekends when your kids are not there? Go to the cinema together? Out for a cheap meal (or not cheap)? Anything that allows you to have a nice time together. I don't understand why you are watching TV and going to bed early when that's the night without your kids.

I would also say, do try and find a way to deal with this situation because I would say that that one night a week sounds extremely important to your dh and if he has a job he hates, could well be helping him not get depressed. We all need things to look forward to. And he has something. You need to find something for you.

I have to get over the car phobia. I've just looked and there are LOADS of things I'd like to do round here, but I'd need to drive.

I hadn't realised how badly that was stifling my life!

How do you cure driving phobia?

I am finding it hard to understand what you are annoyed about. Is it just the money?

Oh, me too! I'm just so upset and I'm not sure why!

I have two sons, both teenagers. They live in their bedrooms now, so I feel I'm just a cook and a laundry service to them. Then there's my DH who is really quiet. Or out. 😆 I think I'm probably lonely.

I would also say, do try and find a way to deal with this situation because I would say that that one night a week sounds extremely important to your dh and if he has a job he hates, could well be helping him not get depressed.

That's fair. Ok. Thanks. :)

Thank you all for your lovely responses. Very kind and helpful.

I feel like a total dick now, spilling my guts and without even name-changing! Argh.

OP if you google your local IAPT you can self refer for CBT for your driving phobia. They’ll probably use a method called graded exposure with you. Sounds like a priority! And it’s free (well, you’ve already paid for it with your taxes).

£120 per month does sound like a lot of money he’s spending, have you ever actually said to him you’d like to compromise so maybe he goes every fortnight and the weeks in between you both spend that evening and money together doing something?

What are you interested in, to get your social life up and running again? What sort of things go on nearby that you could get involved with? A volunteer job, choir, WI, walking group, meet ups, fitness classes, toastmasters, craft evenings, bowling leagues, book clubs, free adult courses? There’s so much going on out there to get involved with!

Don't feel stupid. These things just happen. Doing your own thing will not only make you feel better, but will also give you both something else to talk about.
Have a think and for now, there surely must be something you can do without a car.

HI OP, I would also suggest you find something for you. I am about to take up Yoga as a few friends have said it is their favourite time of the week - perhaps you could find a local class of once a week, they are usually £10-15. You could try budgeting with DH so you both have the money for your once a week treat.

I think once you start to reclaim some time and an interest for you, this will help you to gain confidence to sort out some other things. It is really difficult if you are used to having the buzz of young children to then have teens who are not as much in your life - you need to get a life for you sorted before the empty nest happens.

Then, you can rekindle a life with your DH - I agree you need to reconnect, but focus on you first and then sort your relationship.

Good luck.

I don’t think once a week is anything to be resentful of. He doesn’t enjoy his job but does it to support his own children, you and your children as well as himself.

Not sure why leaving you home with your own children is wrong. Surely you want to spend time with them given they spend EOW with their dad.

This is a tough one because I do see why you are annoyed, but on the other hand your DP not going out wouldn't really change anything. Plenty of activities you could do together are cheap or free, and anyway he can easily scrape together £25-30 it seems, so despite what he might say, it's not really lack of money stopping you from doing things. It's one or both of you not bothered to organise or do anything.

If he were to give up going, it would just another "dull" (in your words) night in for all of you.

I think the best thing would be to leave the pub thing alone but work on going out a bit more together and you by yourself. Plan something for the dc free weekend.

OP not that I've asked many people but you're the first person I've heard of who falls apart when married including the driving phobia besides myself.

I wonder what it is and why it happens? Any other posters might have an idea what this is?

As for the driving phobia, exposure is right. I did get some meds that work for both depression and anxiety. Try to see if you can get into the driving program a pp suggested.

I literally started out by going out and sitting in the car. Then when I felt ok doing that after a week or so, I went out and sat in it and started it up. Yes, that is how slow I went; just a tiny step at a time, but it worked. Oh and google triangle breathing and practice it several times a day.

I have self-referred for anxiety talking therapy! I didn't know you could do that, so a huge thank you to everyone who suggested it.

Not sure why leaving you home with your own children is wrong. Surely you want to spend time with them given they spend EOW with their dad.

As I said, they spend all their time in their bedrooms. I suggest film nights, Xbox games, TV shows, ALL THE TIME but they just shrug.

RantyAnty - thank you so much for sharing that! We are soul sisters! Sorry you're going/went through this too.

How long before you felt happy driving over 10 minutes?

Things I'd like to do:

▪️Pottery panting (would have to drive)
▪️Book club (at night so I'd want to drive)
▪️Writing class (definitely need to drive)
▪️Writers Group (definitely drive)
▪️WI (at night, so would want to drive)
▪️Singing group (would need to drive)
▪️Go shopping in local big outlet (can do this on the bus! 👍🏻 but can't afford to buy anything 😆)
▪️Gym - could easily walk, but it's £40 a month and I didn't think we could afford that. Maybe we can. Maybe I should just join that and go there every night. Actually that would sort out most of my problems -- improved mental health, look better, boost my weight-loss (I'm on WW), meet new people at the classes...

Gym - could easily walk, but it's £40 a month and I didn't think we could afford that. Maybe we can. Maybe I should just join that and go there every night. Actually that would sort out most of my problems -- improved mental health, look better, boost my weight-loss (I'm on WW), meet new people at the classes...

There you have it! Good start