To resent DH going out every week?

[AnuvvaMuvva]

I think IABU.

We moved here a few years ago and I found a local poker game in a pub. I took DH there and he loved it. It's all middle-aged men (like him) who drink loads of beer (like him) and play poker for a £5 stake. With beer, it's probably a £25-£30 night out.

For some reason, I'm really resentful of it! We don't go out because we're usually skint (I'm freelance and my earnings are feast or famine). But he'll go to this pub night rain or shine.

I'm not setting the world on fire with my own social life which is probably why I'm resentful.

I dunno. It just annoys me when he sails off to it every week, really excited, and leaves me here with the DC. Then in weekends where my ex has the DC, we don't do anything.

It all came out last night and I had a huge go at him. ☹️ He said, "We don't go out because we don't have any money!" But I pointed out that he always finds money for his weekly jaunt. AIBU?

OP, so proud of what you've achieved. You've also motivated me to start doing a lot more - for myself, thank you

Just as a little cheat until you feel up to the driving- I've never dared learn to drive and am quite happy with that decision for me. I get a lot of taxis. They're worth the money to me. Might be something you'd find helpful at the mo if you want to go further afield for anything. Love and hugs xxx

You need to find a different better paying job and start driving again. It's not all on your husband.

It sounds as though you need to get a workable plan to help you with your anxiety.
Have you asked your GP for a referral?
Does either of you have health insurance via job that might cover your anxiety therapy?
Try a workbook called 'the Feeling Good handbook' by Dr David Burns.

You're married, so how come he earns a 'relatively high salary' but you don't have any money to go out together once a week?

You're married, so how come he earns a 'relatively high salary' but you don't have any money to go out together once a week?

I've explained this. :) All his salary goes on bills, mortgage, his car payment and his child maintenance. There's nothing left over. Any extras come from the money I bring in, which has been low this year but is now picking up. I've got an extra job that pulls in £700 a month, plus my "normal" freelance work can bring in around £700. That should be enough, but when my invoices aren't paid or I don't get regular work for a couple of months, we're screwed again.

You need to find a different better paying job and start driving again. It's not all on your husband.

I completely agree with this.

Try a workbook called 'the Feeling Good handbook' by Dr David Burns.

I actually already own this, among my massive collection of self-help!

Can I please say a HUGE thank you to absolutely everyone who posted on this thread. If I haven't replied directly to your message, please please know that I've read them all and every single one had an idea or a thought that changed my mind and cheered me up.

I always hate posting on threads and not getting a reply! So I'm very conscious I've done that here. But your time and effort didn't just vanish into the internet pointlessly - I loved every post.

Joining the gym and learnIng to drive would do you the world of good. Would you also consider looking for a better job with more regular income? I wouldn’t begrudge my DH going out once a week for a few games of poker. It’s not like he’s doing cocaine and sleeping around. But you need to find something for yourself. You sound socially isolated - working from home, can’t drive, etc. Reducing your reliance on him for your social life and financial security can only be a good thing.

Well done OP. You are already in a much better place now, think how amazing 2020 will be for you.

think how amazing 2020 will be for you.

Oh this would be fab! Last year was awful.

You sound socially isolated - working from home, can’t drive, etc. Reducing your reliance on him for your social life and financial security can only be a good thing.

Yes! Totally agree.

A lot of people seem to have missed that he goes out to play sport on another night too, so he gets 2 nights out. Does the sport cost him anything?

I'm glad you're going to be joining some clubs, and have joined the gym. It is important to have interests of your own to do, but you and your husband do need to also take time out to do things together. Is he using lack of funds, as an excuse to avoid this?

Does anyone know how to get less needy? I've realised that I'm incomprehensibly invested in my DH's opinion of me. So if I make a joke and he doesn't laugh, I assume I'm unfunny and worthless. Or if he doesn't speak for a while, I'll assume he's dreaming about us getting divorced...

I don't let all these worries out, obviously!, but they DO affect how I'm feeling inside. I love him but I wish I wasn't so highly attuned to his opinions. It's like I'm constantly on red alert for signs he might be losing interest. Or I worry way too much about accidentally putting him off me. It's exhausting.

While I wait for the therapy, is there anything else I can do? I really want to develop a core of self-belief. Or a Teflon emotional shell. :)

Is he using lack of funds, as an excuse to avoid this?

The sport is only for an hour. It's £8.

I have no idea how I'd tell if he's avoiding going out with me.

In fact, let's assume that he's not avoiding go out with me. At least for the moment.

If I assume he IS avoiding going out with me, I'll get upset. And I don't see the point of that right now.

Maybe later, when I'm less fragile!

I've just calculated that he spends 6% of his salary on going out. That doesn't sound excessive, does it? The rest of the moment is supporting my kids and his, and bills.

Right! Let's leave this thread now. I'll keep doing the gym, start therapy, get a refresher driving lesson and find more work.

I'll do all that for 3 months and I will come back on Valentine's Day 2020 to update!

I'm so delicate right now that I'd like to leave this thread on a happy note. Honestly if anyone says anything negative, I'll shatter like a wine glass. 😆

Thanks again. I have a plan. I love it.

DO NOT POST ANYTHING.

I had anxiety surrounding driving too. I learnt on a manual but found it stressful. Driving an automatic might make the experience better. Stop and start! Just my small contribution.

Sorry! Good luck x

I had to update as it's already positive.

👍🏻 Just had my first Talking Therapy call and she's referred me for CBT to fix my driving phobia and general anxiety. There was a (fateful) cancellation for I can start that next week! Very happy. I've never had CBT before but I've always thought it would sort me out.

👍🏻 The gym is epic! I've found 2 regular classes that I can do, and I've got a weights program that I've been avoiding I can start this week. Definitely feel better for starting that.

👍🏻 I landed a huge project that paid us great money.

👍🏻 DH booked a restaurant and took me out for dinner. We had such a fun night. We've also been out with the kids, which was brilliant.

👍🏻 I've lost 20lbs on WW since October, I'm down a dress size, and starting to like how I look again.

👍🏻 I've got loads of social events coming up - a work party, a girls night out; seeing my cousin; ok I've got 3 things coming up... All just me, not DH.

👍🏻 I've completely given up booze as it just wasn't doing anything for me anymore. And I've discovered I can have fun going out without drinking.

👍🏻 DH has applied for loads of new jobs.

So really, nothing has actually changed yet but we are laying the foundations for a much more positive 2020.

I was all excited writing that, then a bit deflated thinking that nothing much had happened... Then I checked and I'd only created this thread on 9 November. So really, its not even been a month yet. I really do feel a lot better.

Thank you everyone who posted here, and was unfailingly helpful and supportive.

I'll be back in February for a final update. Hopefully, with news of driving, weekly date nights, being a size 10, etc.

Sounds very positive OP! I hope the therapy helps you get your confidence back, things won't feel so hopeless then.

Have a good Christmas, and I look forward to hearing from you in February.

Ermigod, you've done LOADS!

Also just wanted to add that by no means do you have to transform into an attractive little wifey for your partner, but a person who does any variety of activities (walking/swimming/pottery/book club/craft/volunteering/gym/yoga/sport/endless stuff) is likely someone who values themselves, who is healthy and has more energy, who is interested in things and in other people, and thus sort of by definition an attractive person to be around, and less needy, because you're meeting your own needs.

It's so easy to get into a rut of staying at home, especially as a mum (which it shouldn't be, but sometimes just is). My husband works away a lot (partly in order to support me working for myself) and when the kids were small I had to 'train' myself to enjoy staying in. Now they're getting older and have insane social lives of their own, I'm having to get used to socialising again and not just watching netflix/mumsnetting in jammies.

In fact my mum has volunteered to take kids this weekend so I can go to a party where i don't really know anyone and will be on own and don't really even want to go (for lame reasons) and now I am going to GO in your honour OP and I will mentally raise a glass to you.

@Jesuisclaude

now I am going to GO in your honour OP and I will mentally raise a glass to you.

Have fun! I hope you fi, otherwise you'll be cursing me and this thread all evening, as you hide in the loo and count down the time till you can cal a cab. 😆

I'm out on friday and I'm not really into it - working next day, don't drink, look old, what's the point - but I'm 100% going now because you are going out. I'll raise a glass of Diet Coke to YOU.