To resent DH going out every week?

[AnuvvaMuvva]

I think IABU.

We moved here a few years ago and I found a local poker game in a pub. I took DH there and he loved it. It's all middle-aged men (like him) who drink loads of beer (like him) and play poker for a £5 stake. With beer, it's probably a £25-£30 night out.

For some reason, I'm really resentful of it! We don't go out because we're usually skint (I'm freelance and my earnings are feast or famine). But he'll go to this pub night rain or shine.

I'm not setting the world on fire with my own social life which is probably why I'm resentful.

I dunno. It just annoys me when he sails off to it every week, really excited, and leaves me here with the DC. Then in weekends where my ex has the DC, we don't do anything.

It all came out last night and I had a huge go at him. ☹️ He said, "We don't go out because we don't have any money!" But I pointed out that he always finds money for his weekly jaunt. AIBU?

My driving instructor offered refresher lessons for people who've got a license but for whatever reason don't feel confident to drive. He offers them either in his car or in the client's own car. Maybe look into whether there are any instructors locally who offer this - getting back behind the wheel with somebody trained beside you may help you to feel more confidence, and if you use an instructor's car initially they usually have dual controls/ pedals! This in conjunction with talking therapy would hopefully help you feel confident to get back on the road.

I have to say OP.
This thread is such a pleasure to read! Great suggestions, you are actually taking them on and not just monotonously going on about how you can't possibly do anything.

5*!

What is it about driving that gives you anxiety?

I used to struggle with anxiety when driving in new/unfamiliar places. A SatNav almost entirely cured it. I still get some anxiety about which lane to be in on complicated junctions, but the SatNavs are getting pretty good at that too.

OP please don't feel stupid. We all struggle with things and the bravest thing you can do is reach out for support. Even from random strangers on MN!

Did something happen to cause the driving phobia, e.g. an accident or breakdown or getting lost?

Here are just a few random thoughts/suggestions that occurred to me while reading:

• Could you self-refer for CBT therapy online on the NHS
• Could you restart your therapy sessions but only go once a fortnight? That's what I did when I couldn't afford to go weekly
• Could you have a look at self help books - a close friend has used this one and swears by it Managing Anxiety with CBT for Dummies (don't be put off by the "dummies" thing, it's a brand name!)
• If you were to join something like a book group, a choir, an evening class, would your DH agree to drive you there and pick you up whilst you're not coping with driving?
• What about if you joined the gym? If there is one in walking distance, PureGym, theGymGroup and Xcersise4Less are all very good value. Or again, would DH be OK to drive you there and back. Plus the endorphine rush can really help a lot with depression and anxiety. I used to work out a lot (every other day) and became really eager to use the strength training machines and see my "gains" - it gave me a positive to focus on - like, "Hey when I first started I struggled to do 5lbs on the chest press, now I am up to 20lbs!" Cardio is boring, so I used to bring my earphones and watch Netflix or BBC iPlayer while on the treadmill/bike/elliptical!
• Could you ask DH to only go to the game once a fortnight, and on the alternate weeks, do a games night at home? Ask your boys to participate as well - bribing them with a takeout pizza may well work! Cribbage, poker, Trivial Pursuit, Monopoly - there's loads of stuff you can do, whether it's just you and DH or the DC as well. Xbox has a good version of Monopoly for pretty cheap but top tip: turn off the narration because it's really annoying.

Just some ideas off the top of my head to hopefully get you thinking about ways to move forward!

Right! I've joined the gym. It's only £35 a month -- or even just £30 if you sign up for a year; I'll see how it goes) and there are classes on every night.

When I was divorced before. I went to the gym all the time and it really sorted my head out. I loved the music, the people... It was fab.

It's like 5 minutes walk from my house.

• have to say OP. This thread is such a pleasure to read! Great suggestions, you are actually taking them on and not just monotonously going on about how you can't possibly do anything.*

That lovely, lovely comment made me burst into tears!

Did something happen to cause the driving phobia, e.g. an accident or breakdown or getting lost?

No! I had a weird panic attack years ago on the motorway, out of the blue. But touch wood nothing bad ever happened. I'm a good driver!

I'd happily avoid motorways. I just want to be able to drive to my nearest big town. That's honestly all I need.

I think being married has helped me avoid the car, as DH likes driving, which hasn't helped. When I was single I HAD to drive otherwise the kids and I would've been stranded. But these days I can get away with being a scaredy cat.

I'm going to dig out my Fitbit and my iPod m, charge them up and go to the gym this afternoon.

play poker for a £5 stake. With beer, it's probably a £25-£30

£5 for the night of poker? Or per game? (I suppose I'm wondering how it stays under £30 if its per game).

Why is there sufficient money for him to go to poker and play sport every week but not for you both to go out EOW? Why does he decide there isn't enough money to go out with you but there is enough for him to go on his jollies twice a week?

Re driving, a lot of schools do refresher lessons. My DM had lost the habit of driving when DF died and we found a short course of refresher lessons for her which worked well despite her having lost confidence. If you can find something like this it is worth a try.

Tick list?

Go to your GP to get help for your anxiety, there is no shame in meds.

Get a singing, dancing satnav with lane smarts.

Book refresher lessons with a driving instructor.

Do that first and as your confidence grows the rest might take care of itself. You don't need your husband to have a social life.

Well done OP. Have fun at the gym.

It'd be really fascinating to work out why marriage makes you feel the way it does.

Thumbs up, OP.

I opened this thread and thought it would be the usual LTB codswallop. If your dh enjoys his (harmless) evening out then leave him be. We can't improve our own lives by spoiling someone else's (memo to dsis...).

Good luck with the gym. And persevere (memo to me: don't think everyone's looking at you and judging and roaring with laughter every time you speak...)

Why is there sufficient money for him to go to poker and play sport every week but not for you both to go out EOW?

I don't know. But this lovely thread has cheered me up so much that I honestly no longer care. 😆 Sod him. I'm going to Beyoncé myself.

Love the idea of refresher lessons - thanks.

I did just win a big contract that's going to give us a lump sum of money, so I can use some of that to do something about the driving.

I think what this thread has done for me is make me feel that it's ok if I spend some of our limited funds on myself. I don't only have to pay for the DC or food, etc. I can do fun things too.

And you know what's it's like; as soon as I'm not sitting around wanting attention from DH, he'll be the one suggesting we go out.

Well done on joining the gym! Once you start going regularly I predict you will make it a healthy habit :)

I think being married has helped me avoid the car, as DH likes driving, which hasn't helped. When I was single I HAD to drive otherwise the kids and I would've been stranded. But these days I can get away with being a scaredy cat.

You sound very self-aware which is a really good first step. A relative of mine has developed a similar phobia. First it was driving, and she relied on her DH to take her and the DC everywhere. Then she developed a phobia of public transport. She's basically given herself permission, through her phobias, to never leave the house on her own. And now that she's retired, she doesn't have any incentive to do so. She's become totally dependent on her H (who is a useless dick but that's another thread)

Keep on keeping on OP! Stick with the gym and let your voice be heard in the relationship.

Would he agree to skip poker night so you can go out together on the weekend you don't have the kids?

I don't want to jinx anything... but this has been the loveliest AIBU thread I've ever read. Full of brilliant suggestions and getting right to the core of the problem.

I almost want to close it now before someone comes along and tells me that DH is clearly an alcoholic gambling addict and I'm a needy nut job.

I hope you enjoyed your gym session!

It sounds to me that it's not so much him going out that's the problem, it's that you're feeling stuck indoors and largely ignored - so being out and doing something you enjoy is going to help you feel less 'invisible', and might bolster your confidence enough to think about trying driving again with time and therapy.

I wish we had a gym five minutes away, especially one that cheap. But DP is looking into getting a decent deal for the one that is opposite his work and I literally pass on the way home from mine. I can see it being used quite a lot if he does.

@AnuvvaMuvva good job!
And don't forget one very important thing. Talk to your DH. Tell him how you feel and that you are joining gym and want to drive, but you also want some good times together, not just sitting in front of TV. Have some fun together.
Communication is really, really important.

it's ok if I spend some of our limited funds on myself. I don't only have to pay for the DC or food, etc. I can do fun things too.

Hold on to that, OP.

It’s something he looks forward to and you say yourself your nights in together are a bit boring - can’t you just let him have it? These social / hobby things are really important for mental health especially as you say he hates his job and money is short etc. I think the issue is more that you don’t have anything similar to look forward to so could you maybe look into a cheapish way of socialising / hobbying that works for you and see if it makes you feel less resentful of him when you have your own way of letting off steam?

You’re already way ahead of me! Rtft Ronnie!

My DH and I are now doing free course online together for fun😁 Well, it's also handy for our careers to know that stuff, but it's still more for a fun and do something together. We don't have much time together due to work commitments.
Maybe try that? If you have some similar interest?

What a positive action based thread, well done on the gym OP !

I was just hopping on to add parkrun to the suggestions list - run, walk or volunteer. It is free and you could both do it, it is good option to go together but you can each do at own pace. If you like it, you could explore the parkrun tourism options as a way to see new places too

spend some time with your teenagers - whay are they in their room all the time?

that sounded critical , sorry . but you said you were lonely-I love a family walk /trip to the pub/cinema with my two boys, or to go and watch them play sport and cheer them on etc. I miss them now they are Uni becasue we used to do family activities together and they are great company.