Should I tell them his stepson is a paedophile

[SisterhoodOfKahn]

My DD is a member of a youth organisation who has recently recruited a new full time member of staff. This man will have direct access to the children.

Should I tell the youth organisation that he is the step father of a paedophile? This is not tittle tattle I know the family, and know this is true.

I'm hoping he won't pass the DBS criteria but as they have different names he might.

Am I being over cautious? Should I just keep quiet. I genuinely don't know what do to.

[OnGoldenPond]

OP, I'm not clear from your posts whether the SS has been convicted of those rapes and so is a known sex offender, or if you have been told by people who know of the crimes but police are unaware of the allegations - ie he was never reported.

If the first, he will be in the system so if proper safeguarding procedures are followed he will not be able to get contact with children.

If the second and you are confident the information you have been given is reliable, you must report it to the police immediately.

[feelingsinister]

As others have already said, in some professions you would have to report if you were sharing a home with people work certain convictions.

Is it possible that this man would have already told the organization about his step-son?

I think ensuring that this sex offender has no opportunity to be around the young people in this organization is absolutely right but to prevent this man from having a job because of the crimes of a relative is unfair unless you know other things you haven't told us here.

[notacooldad]

I know you have replied and said hat you are not going to report it but to consider it in the first place is bizarre.
My DS has a friend whose dad was jailed for being a paedophile. The stigma this poor kid faced when he was going through primary and then secondary school was awful, luckily he had a group of solid mates around him. He is now in his early 20s and has done as much as he can to disassociate from the his dad's past but people ( like you ) still like to wag their finger and tut when they se him as if it was him that did things!

[userxx]

Jesus Christ, your ignorance is unbelievable.

[Vexorg15]

Thank you for that, OP. After a coffee and a think, I realise that maybe my reaction could have been more measured. I suppose my feeling that the actions of another can ruin a person’s life has over ridden what I feel. The shock at thinking how my grandad’s actions may have affected my life was quite intense, as well as the huge kick in the chest my first post has given me, which is actually quite cathartic. It put things in into place that might have never found it. I have an irrational fear that some dormant beast will rise up one day, which I know is silly, but it does haunt my dreams. One of my counsellors talked about sick families once, which is quite true.

[Tomselleckhaskindeyes]

I would have a quiet word. I say this as a lecturer for residential childcare staff. I think it is how you do it though. Tell them the facts and that you are concerned about stepson popping in.

[FluffyPinkSocks]

Take your child to another organization. You have already prejudged this innocent man....guilty by association. You should feel ashamed of yourself.

[spanglydangly]

@Buccanarab what a ridiculous post and these two aren't related anyway!

[FiddlesticksAkimbo]

YABU (and ludicrous)

[SabineSchmetterling]

I really think you must tell them. Not because I think the man should automatically not be allowed to do the role, but because the organisation needs to be aware. Hopefully you won’t be reporting anything that the organisation doesn’t already know. You would expect him to have declared this already and to have made clear the measures he will take to prevent any contact between the stepson and the children involved in the club.
If he has covered up or tried to hide the stepson’s conviction (your posts seem to suggest that he is convicted) then the club need to know. If he lives with the stepson then it is imperative that the father does not carry out any activities with children in his home and also that the stepson doesn’t “pop by” to the club, for example to share a lift home with the stepfather.
A person who lives with a paedophile is a potential risk to children. A headteacher was struck off earlier this year for concealing the fact that her partner was a convicted sex offender and then allowing him on site at her school for one day (he wasn’t actually left alone at any time but the panel said he could have been if she’d been urgently called away), she also allowed him to be present at a meeting in her home where children from her school were discussed and allowed him to access the computer that she did school-related work on. I’m sure she felt that everything was under control and that she hadn’t put any children at risk but her judgement was clearly way off.
It was deemed to be a very serious safeguarding matter. This seems like a very similar case to me. Having a boyfriend or stepson who has committed an offence is not in itself the problem, hiding the fact that you are related to an offender and carrying on as if they were any other person is. It isn’t that unusual for the family of volunteers or teachers to come into contact with the children they care for, even if not in an unsupervised capacity. That isn’t appropriate where the family members are convicted paedophiles though, and the organisation needs to know that the volunteer will be highly vigilant in preventing contact between his stepson and the children and preventing him from accessing their data.

[Anotherlongdrive]

I am confused. You seem to judge home for marrying a woman whose son commit awful acts.

Are you suggesting he shouldnt have done? Is she 'damaged goods' now? Not allowed to be with someone?

Anyone who marries hers has the black mark too?

[KinderGirl]

I don’t think you should report him however I’d be worried he’d show his face from time to time. But that’s just me being paranoid as I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor. I ted a certainly not his fault & he has nothing to do with his stepsons actions, but it’d criss my mind whether he’d turn up at the centre.

[NotaWagon]

omg, @SisterhoodOfKahn, you were not being unreasonable at all.

I'd mention to the authorities that it'd be a good idea to seek his reassurance that his stepson is not on casual drop by terms with him.

That is not ''ruining his life'' and if it is, maybe working with children isn't the best career for the stepfather of a paedeophile.

protecting children should ALWAYS be the first consideration.

[Anotherlongdrive]

@SabineSchmetterling have you read the updates.

The man got involved with his, now, wife after the conviction.

If he lived with this man, then op would be able to prove he sees him. She says she cant.

That teacher was struck off because she conducted work in her own home with him present.

That's different to working outside the home.

And no, it not common to allow your family to come into contact with children you work with.

[Lizzie0869]

I feel sorry for the poor man. Assuming he isn't condoning his stepson's crimes, he and his partner will be broken-hearted about what's happened. And apparently his ex is using it against him vindictively to keep him out of his DCs' lives.

If he's refusing to believe his SS is guilty and is allowing him to stay at his house, his ex is justified in not allowing their DC to stay with him. (Was the SS guilty of abusing them?) And you would have a good reason to be concerned. Otherwise? You'll be continuing to kick a man when he's down.

I know what it's been like for my DM to learn that DSis and I suffered SA at the hands of our F whilst we were growing up. It's been devastating. If we'd stopped her from seeing her DGC, I think it would have broken her completely. If she was refusing to believe us, we would be justified in not trusting her. But that isn't the case.

I've never been more glad that my F is dead. At least we're not being viewed as 'guilty by association'.

We need a lot more information than you've given us.

[KinderGirl]

He may be a sex offender who offended against children but that is not the same thing at all as paedophilia. People who commit sexual offences against children are in fact usually not paedophiles

^^

What on earth?

[flossletsfloss]

I would absolutely inform them.

[SabineSchmetterling]

I’m a senior teacher in a school. It is totally normal in my school for teachers to attend the school carol concert, school production, talent show, summer fete etc with their partners and children. We often have the husbands and wives of members of staff who work in different professions in to give assemblies to children about their work. We’ve had the partners, sons and daughters of staff members in to do practice interviews with sixth formers applying to university. None of these people are left alone with the children and so they don’t need to be DBS checked but if one of them was a convicted sex offender I would be pretty horrified and I think it would be a shocking lack of judgement on the part of the teacher to have not declared it.
That headteacher conducted work in her home once, just one meeting, where there were only adults present and no children and when she brought him in to school, just one time, he was never left alone. She clearly thought nobody else needed to know because she was managing the risk herself. She was wrong.
If this man has good judgement he will have already declared it. I hope that the OP passes on the information and it is nothing that the club don’t already know. That, to me, would indicate that this man is an appropriate person to work with children. That he is aware of the potential risk and has a plan for how to minimise it and that he realises that being open with his employer is important.

[KinderGirl]

After reading @SabineSchmetterlingb post - absolutely inform them

[doublebarrellednurse]

So the SS carried out crimes 5 years ago.

Said employee came into the scene 2 years later and his only "crime" is that he remained involved with the mother.

No one has clarified if he's living with SS or not which is really the key issue here.

So the employee wasn't around when crimes were committed and wasn't involved or privy to them.

The SS clearly needs dealing with. The employee is someone who had nothing to do with any of it.

YABU OP

[CravingCheese]

My grandfather was a pedophile. Well, he also seemed to have been attracted to adults but he did certainly commit pedophilic crimes.

He died when I was fairly young but the idea of someone calling at my mother's (or father's) place of work to inform them about this is absolutely ghastly.

[Shelby2010]

YANBU

I think some people are missing the point. Being related to, or a victim of a sex offender isn’t the problem. It’s the question of whether he has contact with the SS and his judgment around that.

For example SS drops by club to donate an old games console that he no longer wants. Never alone with children, so no problem? Wrong. Because next week SS bumps into some kids from the club on their way home from school ‘Hi, I’m X’s SS. I met you when I brought the games in. No, I didn’t need it anymore as I’ve got the newer version. You’ll have to pop round & try it out sometime...’ Big problem.

Now whether the man should be recruited to the job depends on his attitude to safeguarding. If he declares SS conviction & agrees to ensure SS never comes into contact with the children, then it’s not necessarily an issue. If he hides it & takes the attitude that SS will never be alone with kids, then his judgement is off & there is a potential risk.

[Shelby2010]

@CravingCheese
No one needs to safeguard children from some one who is dead.

[Lizzie0869]

And in fact, my DB, who is still alive, joined in with the abuse, though he was himself very much a victim and his life has been ruined. My DSis and I don't allow him to see our DC, and my DM is under strict instructions to stick to that, which she does. He has contact with her, but it's kept strictly separate and he doesn't come on holidays with us.

He isn't a threat actually, as he's very wary of children and stays away from them. He shouts at them and bumps into them (he behaves like a child himself), so that's another reason not to allow contact any more. (The memories were repressed until 6 years ago, which is why there was limited contact with him before. It was only for family events, though, and was always very tricky. It was a relief when we stopped it.) This stopped when we saw that the DC were afraid of him because of his boorish behaviour towards them.

According to what you're saying, my DSis shouldn't be allowed to work with teenagers, which she's trained to do and shouldn't be accepted as a foster carer. And we shouldn't have been approved as adoptive parents. Despite our DC having no contact at all with our DB, and our F having been long dead, and despite the fact that we have no connection with our past life at all.