Should I tell them his stepson is a paedophile

[SisterhoodOfKahn]

My DD is a member of a youth organisation who has recently recruited a new full time member of staff. This man will have direct access to the children.

Should I tell the youth organisation that he is the step father of a paedophile? This is not tittle tattle I know the family, and know this is true.

I'm hoping he won't pass the DBS criteria but as they have different names he might.

Am I being over cautious? Should I just keep quiet. I genuinely don't know what do to.

[listsandbudgets]

Sigh that should be " someone whose son has carried out an armed robbery '

[Vexorg15]

Indeed. What were you expecting, OP? That we would all rise up with righteous anger and storm the castle with pitchforks and blazing torches? Don’t insult us with ‘typical mumsnet’ epithets when we don’t agree. I’ve posted on here under other names and been deeply pissed off at some of the replies I got, but that, no matter how hurtful, is the nature of debate: argument and counter argument. Certainly don’t try the guilt by association thing. I’ve seen people kill them selves over that, lives destroyed, families driven from estates because of whispers. I saw a Falklands veteran hounded from his home. He’d been trapped on HMS Sheffield as it sank, and had such severe ptsd he was scared of daylight. He kept his curtains closed and only went out at night. Therefore he HAD to be a ‘peedo’ and was driven to suicide by the hatred. I’ve explained above how I feel being the grandson of a paedophile. Your post has caused me much pain. But what my grandad did is naff all to do with me, my children, my wife, and I would be deeply sad if a, yes, pearl clutching, do gooder like you tried to make it that way.

[Whatwouldbigfatfannydo]

the usual pearl clutching MN lot. The knee jerk reacting crowd

Did you get confused and describe yourself OP??

You said you will only deal in facts but somehow this doesn't include whether this man still associates with his SS or not? Very contradictory.

And to a PP, this is absolutely self appointed vigilantism and, in no way, good safeguarding practice

The SS should, rightly, be barred from any contact with children and it should be something that the man brings up himself. That would be very different than op's gossip (You know, since he's the one with the actual facts).

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I am surprised at some of the reactions to the OP. Nobody is suggesting a front page ad in the local newspaper.
For me, the questions would be
i) is there any indication that the person turned a blind eye or is minimising the seriousness of what happened or
ii) could he inadvertently facilitate access to children for his DSS through his role.

That is not for the OP to judge but you would hope the safeguarding people at the youth organisation would be considering the wider picture.

[Pilipilihoho]

Guilt by association - nice

[Maidestone]

Thinking about it I do think it’s a valid point that if he continues to associate with his stepson that is potentially problematic.

No, continuing to associate with his stepson is not ‘potentially problematic.’

Who do you think is more likely to reoffend and harm more children? Someone who has their family to guide them, or someone shunned by their family, left isolated and possibly in financial difficulty?

[SisterhoodOfKahn]

@Vexorg15 I'm truly sorry this thread has opened old wounds for you. And my heart goes out to you for carrying all that pain.

I am certainly not pissed off with PPs or the comments they are strangers on the internet who don't know me. I posted on AIBU didn't expect rainbows and unicorns!!

I've been called all sorts of things on here for asking a reasonable question.

It's obvious that 99% think IBU so will not inform them. Though it goes against my better judgement.

[drspouse]

Gosh, what a lot of unhelpful replies.
I used to help at a Brownie pack with a very entrenched set of leaders who didn't pay much attention to guidelines.
The partner of one of them came to Brownies almost every week. The other leaders didn't think anything of it, didn't think he needed a DBS, and when he made a couple of girls uncomfortable (he was very pushy e.g. when asking harmless questions) they just told the girls to be polite.
Not all youth leaders have any idea about safeguarding and think the rules don't apply to them.
See also Aimee Challenor who employed their father, facing charges of child rape (later convicted) in a political admin role i.e. public facing.
If this man thinks it's OK to carry on sharing a house with the offender I'd question his judgement. It sounds like he does.
Speak to the next level or safeguarding lead. Tell them you know a member of the household is a convicted sex offender and ask if they are aware and if the leader knows the stepson can never go near the meeting and that he can never carry out any activities at his house (e.g. no camp prep where a young person comes to fetch things stored in his garage, no meetings with parents where the stepson can say "oh I know your mum" or where a child could be brought for babysitting with their tablet during the meeting - these are all common in voluntary organisations).

[drspouse]

You MUST inform them.
I informed my next in line about the partner and she was really grateful and sorted it out.

[BeardyButton]

Actually, when I was a teacher there were specific rules regarding this (I think). If you lived w a sex offender, as a teacher, you would have to make that known.

[Babochan88]

I work with vulnerable people so I regularly see on application forms, things like: has someone in your household been convicted of crimes where they cannot work with vulnerable adults. It asks that or something to that degree. I’ve also been at an interview for a TA position where they asked that.

Basically what I’m saying is that, i don’t know but I understand your thought process. You’ve just got to pray that he has been honest and trust that he isn’t responsible for the crimes of his step son.

[theDudesmummy]

Unless you know the man and his history well and/or have seen his medical and psychiatric records you do not know he is paedophile. He may be a sex offender who offended against children but that is not the same thing at all as paedophilia. People who commit sexual offences against children are in fact usually not paedophiles.

Regarding your actual question, the details would be important, such as what the man's attitude was to the crime, his relationship with his stepson, whether the stepson lives with him etc. The general principle of thinking that he is somehow a risk because of what a family member has done is entirely wrong, unless there are other details which change the picture entirely.

[Buccanarab]

Ignore the pp's who don't agree with you OP. Our village council recently banned a whole family from using our local amenities (shop, post office, pub etc) after the grandson was convicted of shop lifting.

The nan now mobility scoots her way to the next village over for her messages because those idiots haven't had the good sense to ban them too!

Like you say you can never be too careful once someone's been exposed to the criminality! After all the grandson clearly inherited it from someone!!

[Quartz2208]

I think here though OP you know more than the initial vague post and slightly confusing posts after (particularly having 4 wives) and the problem is that is driving your decision to do it but you aren’t properly getting it across
So this is wife number 4 who has the (convicted?) son. Previous ex won’t allow his children round because he downplays/minimises/supports his stepson being around his children
Suddenly out of nowhere and out of character he has decided to volunteer and his motives don’t sit right with you
Because that is different to if his stepson was convicted and he wanted nothing to do with him
The background context here is everything

[Louise91417]

Of course op has right to question step dad. No one is saying he is a paedophile but he has stood by his step son in sharing a house with him..he went ahead and married knowing in doing so he would have regular contact with ss...i find that questionable given that he has a child with ex who isnt allowed to stay with him. Inadvertently he has put this paedophile in front of his relationship with his own child..i would feel at all comfortable my child being in company of someone so tolerable!

[Louise91417]

Wouldnt

[theDudesmummy]

@Buccanarab that is outrageous, and ignorant. And as for "inheriting" criminality, that is a ridiculously simplistic statement about a very complex issue.

[Windygate]

@Buccanarab please tell me that your post is an attempt at irony.

[theDudesmummy]

I hope that was irony (I missed that it might be in my shock!)

@Louise91417 how do you know he stood by his stepson and shared a house with him? I may have missed it but I didn't see that anywhere in the OP's posts?

[drspouse]

Inadvertently he has put this paedophile in front of his relationship with his own child.
This does show poor judgement to put it mildly.

[easyandy101]

Ignore the pp's who don't agree with you OP. Our village council recently banned a whole family from using our local amenities (shop, post office, pub etc) after the grandson was convicted of shop lifting.

The nan now mobility scoots her way to the next village over for her messages because those idiots haven't had the good sense to ban them too!

Like you say you can never be too careful once someone's been exposed to the criminality! After all the grandson clearly inherited it from someone

[SisterhoodOfKahn]

Omg @Quartz2208 you've hit the nail on the head!! Are you a cop??

Yes I know a lot about this man which does taint my view of him. But I can only go to the youth organisation with FACTS. And I didn't want to taint posters view of him in my OP.

Just wanted to share facts and see if I was being unreasonable, which I clearly am.

Earlier I said it wasn't relevant if he saw his step son. What I meant was it wasn't relevant if I knew he saw his step son as I couldn't prove it. I only wanted to provide facts.

The step son raped several young girls in his family when he was 18. This was about 5 years ago. The man has been involved with the family for about 3 years. He is not a volunteer, he will be a paid member of staff.

[Stressedmummyof4]

@SisterhoodOfKahn maybe your needing to put some more context to your story to give people a clearer view.

For example you say you know the family, ok so does the stepfather live with the stepson? Are they in daily contact. I ask this because if the stepson doesn't live with him and they are not in daily contact then I think it's unfair to judge this man a little. You know enough to say he married the mans mother after the events but that's also like saying the mother had to live a life of being alone because he son has committed some atrocities that would be unfair too.

With regards to the youth group, I assume from being involved in youth groups that he will NOT be the only member of the team there to deal with the youngsters? I do think removing your daughter from her youth group is also unfair on your daughter she is suffering because of the actions of a man who isn't part of a youth club.

I understand that you are worried. Is the fact this man is a paedophile common knowledge in the area for example does everyone know? Could it be the other leaders already know?

I think if you are genuinely worried you could possible take the leader in charge to the side ask for a private chat. Explain that you don't have worries regarding the gentleman's behaviour in question but do have concerns regarding his stepson and can they ensure that he would be in no way near the youth group.

[NotACleverName]

You cannot be fucking serious @Buccanarab? If you are then your entire village sounds ignorant as fuck.

[Lumene]

He may be a sex offender who offended against children but that is not the same thing at all as paedophilia. People who commit sexual offences against children are in fact usually not paedophiles

Yes and remember, people who kill people deliberately are usually not murderers and people who nick stuff from houses are usually not burglars.