Should I tell them his stepson is a paedophile

[SisterhoodOfKahn]

My DD is a member of a youth organisation who has recently recruited a new full time member of staff. This man will have direct access to the children.

Should I tell the youth organisation that he is the step father of a paedophile? This is not tittle tattle I know the family, and know this is true.

I'm hoping he won't pass the DBS criteria but as they have different names he might.

Am I being over cautious? Should I just keep quiet. I genuinely don't know what do to.

[Iamnotagoddess]

So if my step son stole out of the till, while working at Asda, then I also can’t get a job at Asda because that also makes me a thief?

[slipperywhensparticus]

Okay....I understand where your coming from BUT,, is his stepson living with him is he likely to "help out" at the club? Will he be hanging around?

[fromnowhere]

Can people stop trying to conflate this with crimes like stealing. It's not the same thing. We know a lot about peodophiles, how they operate and groom, not just victims but people around them, families friends, employers. It is NOT the same as getting caught nicking something from a shop!

Nobody cares if you're the aunt of a petty thief, honestly. But if your nephew was Gary Glitter and he lived with you/associated with you still, then yes I would have some questions to ask before you looked after mine or anyone elses children. Maybe it's not fair on the relative, but it is prudent.

[SisterhoodOfKahn]

Wow, read the first few messages and thought I'm obviously being unreasonable and went to bed.

A lot of very angry people out there, the usual pearl clutching MN lot. The knee jerk reacting crowd who just jump onto the pile on!

Not sure where "this man's life has been ripped apart" and "I'm good friends with the family" come from!

Then I read some more informed posters who agree with me with facts not emotions!! Although they are still in the minority so am even more confused what to now!!!!

I didn't give any background to the abuse or any other info because that irrelevant.

The man who has been hired by the youth organisation knew the step son was a paedophile before he married his 4th wife. There is much more background to this person but it is indeed "gossip". None of that is relevant to whether I tell the organisation. I only want to deal with the hard facts.

Whether he sees his step son or not isn't relevant it's not a fact I can back up. It is a fact that his step son is a paedophile. It is a fact his ex does not feel her DCs are safe there. However I'm not sure I would this to youth organisation.

I deal with safeguarding too and it does scare me how naive some of the PP are, and what a suspicious and cyclical Old cow I now am. :(

And that's why I asked for opinions because I know these people work. Still not sure what to do.

The general consensus seems no! So probably won't tell them and take my daughter out.

[Vexorg15]

I suspect he has copped it enough anyway. You won’t be the only one to know, and you’ll not be the first to tell someone. His stepson will be a stain on the whole family’s reputation and whispers like this can wreck a whole family’s lives.
I’ve NC’d for this.
It goes deeper too. My grandad, who I loved dearly and who created many of the happy early memories of my life that I hold dear, was revealed after his death to have been a prolific paedophile. He molested my mother for many years, and when he came to live with us (just don’t go there), my sister and cousins. He was a school caretaker (again don’t say anything- the whole ‘it was different times’ thing isn’t just for celebrities) who abused girls in the schools he worked in. My mother can remember the utter shame and humiliation of the school being told in assembly not to go anywhere alone with him. Apparently this went on for years. My gran was always going to leave him, but stayed out of loyalty. One of my uncles left home at 16 and refused to have anything to do with him.
Nothing happened to me, being a boy, but I remember things like wondering why my sister got more presents than me. (Didn’t realise until later she was paying a price).
Survivor’s guilt has haunted me for years. How could I not have known? Why didn’t I stop it? Tell someone? I know I couldn’t- I didn’t know, but I should have, and that tortures me.
I suffered a lifetime of abuse, mental and emotional and sexually inappropriate behaviour from my mum, then domestic abuse in my marriage until I found out that not everyone is a git, and met my DP. I’ve got quite serious MH problems as well as the legacy of a birth injury that affects my processing. Whenever I am ill, or need to escape, I go back to the early times when I played in the stream in Gran’s village, when Grandad took me for walks on the downs, showed me rabbit holes and badger setts. My parents hadn’t split up, Mum wasn’t abusive, we had the best Christmases. It was, and always will be my safe place. But he was the village school’s caretaker, they lived in the school house. He was probably doing his thing while I blissfully laid down those memories, so they are tainted. He always seemed popular, a kindly old man but how many people on the Island have dark memories? I haven’t got his surname, but what if?
I have a pathological fear of somehow catching it from them, that being a paedophile is hereditary. When I’m on a bus or train and children are around, I stare out of the window and don’t make eye contact. Sometimes my train is the school train. It’s horrid. I become engrossed in my phone. What if I’m staring? What if somebody ‘knows’?
When my DDand DSD became teenagers I withdrew a little. I worry about should I tell them they look amazing when they go out? What wonderful strong intelligent young women they are. If their friends come, I find a reason to be somewhere else, and when they interact (of course they do, I’m their dad), I’m constantly checking the appropriateness of what I’m doing.
It’s not there all the time, I know it’s in my head, but it’s always there somewhere like a little whispering voice.
I am determined though, that the victims end with my sister and me. That nobody in my family will ever feel like I did as a child, and I’ve worked hard to break the cycle. But I’m fifty- bloody-two. I sort of hoped I wouldn’t feel this by now. And really it’s not about me, it’s about my sister, my cousins, my mum, all those countless little girls.
I’m sorry, I ranted a bit, and it’s not what I started to say, it’s just sort of poured forth from somewhere I haven’t opened before, and I need to think about this for a while. But I’ve realised just recently that the victims of abuse spiral out from the actual physical victims.

[dontcallmeduck]

OP I’m afraid you are the pearl clutching Mumsnetter on this post. My job is safeguarding and this would not worry me at all. This man is completely innocent and yet you’re treating him horrifically if you report him for doing absolutely nothing but being related by marriage to someone. So please don’t use you’re safeguarding role as you’re reasoning!

[fernandoanddenise]

Ok, I would tell them. To put your mind at rest. I’d say that I was sure this had come up in an advanced DBS or whatever they are called now but were they aware?
It’s not unreasonable to make sure they know. People ‘popping in’ or hosting stuff at home, or atttending the summer BBQ these are all points where the step son could gain access and build trust. It’s not about the step dad. It’s about keeping the children safe.

[LagunaBubbles]

And that's why I asked for opinions because I know these people work. Still not sure what to do

What people? You still, despite being asked several times, haven't said why you think this man would be a danger because he has a sex offender step son? You say you hope he fails the check, why would he if its his stepson who is the offender?

[Instatwat]

If anything YOU are the pearl-clutcher here, OP. You are being massively unreasonable.

[vivacian]

Have you come across this information via your safeguarding role?

[AliasGrape]

The outrage at your question and nastiness directed at you OP is really surprising me.

I think it’s a fair question and doesn’t at all deserve the vitriol.

I’m a teacher. If someone in my immediate family or someone I live with was a risk to children or had been convicted of offences against them then I would consider that absolutely relevant to any safeguarding around me and my role. Not because that person would have direct contact with the children in my care necessarily (though it’s possible - relatives have previously helped on trips/getting ready for school plays/ craft days etc - though less so since safeguarding has been more thorough) but because as a pp said, the way it impacted me and how I dealt with it would speak to my own understanding of safeguarding and ability to perceive risks and keep children safe.

Plus until very recently you would be disqualified from such a role by association if you were living with someone convicted of sexual offences against children. The disqualification by association rule has been scrapped apart from those providing childcare in a domestic setting (such as childminders) - but it very much did exist which is why the shock and outrage at your question is just weird. It’s not the same as saying because someone’s dog’s uncle’s partner was a shoplifter then they must be too - having a close family relationship/living with someone who is a paedophile does warrant some closer consideration when recruiting someone for a childcare role. I’m sorry if that offends people but it’s common sense surely? Not that the relative should automatically be disqualified from the job but that if the information is known then it needs a conversation at least?

[Iamnotagoddess]

I don’t think it would come up on an enhanced DBS.

It’s exactly the same as stealing actually, you never assume because one person is a sex offender he’s groomed the whole family.

I work for children’s services and line manage family workers!

[slipperywhensparticus]

If he sees his stepson is relevant and if you were in safeguarding you would know that

[TargaryenBean]

My uncle is a pedophile and it's got eff all to do with me or my kids. How dare you. I think you should move your DD, they're all better off not having a judgmental nasty person like you hanging around.

[missyB1]

So he doesn’t see his step son? Well there’s no bloody problem then is there?! It’s not like they are living in the same house. Sounds like you are full of self importance OP and you fancy passing on some gossip to make yourself feel even more important.

[Walkerbean16]

As a PP said, at my work we have to sign a declaration that nobody living in the household has been convicted of crimes against children.

[ChilledBee]

The DBS check does not take into consideration people who you may or may not be related to it checks you out only. You cant tarr him with the crimes of the step son you YABU.

This isnt true. The enhanced DBS has a bit where it says "other information". This is where they can share any information which might be pertinent depending on what role you've applied for. So as a pp said, if you had a sex offender registered to the address that you plan to childmind from. Or if you had been acquitted of violent crimes several times as another example. What goes in this information has to go through this process where they weigh up whether sharing the information will unfairly prejudice the employer. So in this case, they would probably decide that exposing this man's stepson would prevent the man being employed for no good reason. It wouldn't serve to protect anyone.

[DaveCoachesgavemetheclap]

I am a teacher and by law we have to declare it if we live with a person who has been convicted of sexual offences against children. Does the stepson live with this bloke and has he been convicted of anything?
My uncle was convicted of child sex offences and on release from prison, went to live with his son (my cousin) who is also a teacher. I didn't hesitate to inform the school where my cousin works.

[DaveCoachesgavemetheclap]

Sorry I should have RTFT!

[HandsOffMyRights]

If the step son lives with the family then I agree this should be mentioned to the safeguarding lead.

[ChilledBee]

It has never been true that living with a convicted violent or sexual criminal will stop you working with young/vulnerable people.

One of my school teacher friends who I trained with has a gangster dad who spent most of her childhood in prison for murder and she married an Essex gangster type who has spent many years in prison in his life. She's a deputy head! You have to carefully weigh the chance of someone getting hurt against discriminating against people who have done nothing wrong and the rehabilitation of offenders act.

[WorraLiberty]

the usual pearl clutching MN lot

Oh the irony...

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Vexorg

[listsandbudgets]

Wow I know someone who has carried out an armed robbery. Do you think I should warn their bank just in case they do the same?

Seriously though hes not done anything wrong. He will be aware of what ( if anything) his stepson has done so he is likely to take great care to supervise him if he pops by to say hello.

I would leave it