To stop accepting everyday sexism and never use Asda again

[Canadalife]

We had an Asda order delivered this evening. One item was incorrect (much more expensive item delivered instead of what we ordered....duck instead of chicken!). Being (stupidly) honest I raised it with the driver. He explained that the orders must have been muddled, Fair enough! He searched through the orders. No luck finding the chicken. I said ‘we need something to roast on Sunday’.

He kept calling me “love” throughout the conversation. When I said “please don’t call me love” he accused me of abusing him on the doorstep. I spoke firmly but was in no way confrontational or aggressive, didn’t shout, swear et cetera. Notably he didn’t call either my daughter or husband anything, but did refer to me consistently as love. I felt seriously patronised and belittled.

My husband said “no one is abusing you, she just asked you not to patronise her by calling her love”. The driver repeated that he would not be abused and drove off.

We certainly did not swear, shout or get angry. I am very upset and hate confrontation. I put up with lots of everyday sexism as we all do. I am totally fed up. AIBU to never shop at Asda again.

Some people have just too much time on their hands and see fault and problems everywhere. Please get over yourself. You sound most unpleasant.

why are you assuming she was snippy?

Probably because of her snooty “what am I supposed to roast on Sunday?” when the delivery bloke (not responsible in any way for the cock up) was sadly unable to magic a chicken up from thin air.

Adults know full well when someone's intent is to demean them. A professional office situation with junior and senior staff is in no way comparable to a likely zero hours, minimum wage delivery driver being held responsible for an order he neither picked nor packed. I'd go so far as to say the man felt under duress and wrong footed facing three uptight people on the doorstep pulling him up when he was trying to be pleasant, but was powerless to solve their complaint. Love, Duck and Mate are not pet names in this situation, they're simply a colloquial way of speaking, no offence meant.

Yes. He's probably under extreme pressure to deliver on time, without enough time to do so. he spent time trying to sort your problem but couldn't. Then you whinge that you need something for Sunday, which he has absolutely no ability to resolve for you.

If you're used to liberally sprinkling 'love' into a conversation, it's not all that easy to stop.He probably doesn't even notice he does it. But instead of being grateful that he tried to find your chicken (which will probably mean his next customer will complain that he's late), you 'speak to him firmly' about calling you love.

Seriously, your perspective is shot.

I do my shopping online from Asda and if a item is sent in replacement to another item even if it’s more expensive I’m only charged the amount of the original item that wasn’t available so I’m confused why your concerned about the duck being more expensive you weren’t being asked to pay. Sometimes mistakes happen and unless the deliver man had a whole chicken stored up his arse there’s nothing he could have done. It’s a store issue and you should have contacted them instead of huffing and puffing saying “well we need something to roast on Sunday” you sound like you were being rude and difficult.

WTF.
Seriously, could not get worked up over this.
You'd hate living here.
Everyone's love, duck, or chuck!

And one day you will experience actual sexism 😏 massive over reaction. Try 20 years in a male dominated industry being told 'thats mans job'. That's sexism, Love.

FFS.

I F* ing HATE being called 'love' 'sweetheart' 'petal' I always have and I instruct my staff not to do it as some people may take objection to it. I don't complain about it often as I have a busy life but I honestly don't think the majority of people say it condescendingly. It's just a way of talking. And I live WAY up north of England!

These people are turning this story into one where the OP is the aggressor when they have no idea about either their tone or body language (both OP and the driver).

I think there is good reason to infer that the OP was rude:

1. The bit about the chicken reads as a little condescending.
2. Most people would not correct someone's colloquialisms in this situation, even done nicely it's rude.
3. The description of what OP said and his response doesn't fit. He asked her not to be abusive, a very weird response if she was polite. Yet OP is not telling this as a 'hes a nutter' story but as if the use of love is the main problem.
4. Her later reflection that she was firm sounds like minimising rudeness.

Of course no one knows, but with OP not wanting to engage most people seem to have reached similar conclusions.

Bloody hell. It’s love, pet, honey when I’m in Yorkshire - where I come from - and duck where I live which is Lincolnshire.

I have never seen it as sexist. I call kids I teach sweet, my dear, lovely... never felt like I was being patronised. My dad calls everyone pet - he’d be most upset to be accused of being sexist.

My grandad was Glaswegian- I was called hen every other sentence!

I am a raging feminist but don't give a shit about this

I was walking round B and M today and I kept passing the same young man (35 years my junior) with his restacking trolley. Every time I stepped aside to let him through he said "thanks love".

I didn't bat an eyelid. Just gave him a smile and carried on browsing the bargains.

The 'I call people love all the time' brigade...if someone pleasantly asked you to stop, would you a) say ok b) ignore them and continue or c) accuse them of abuse.

It diesnt matter if its acceptable to most people - in general people can request to be addressed in a certain way and that's not abusive to ask.

However OP, surely you would be unreasonable to never shop with asda again. It's one person in an organisation of thousands. Are you expecting every single one of them to be a great employee? If you complained and Asda the organisation didn't respond appropriately then you wouldn't be unreasonable

anti female language like the one used by the driver..

Jesus fucking Christ. In what alternate, bizarro world is love "anti-female language"? Get a grip.

And your delivery driver has sodall to do with your shopping being picked! A sub is just that - they don’t charge any more for it. Do you not shop online often?

I think if you've expressly asked someone not to call you something they should stop doing it regardless of whether or not its reasonable or not its just good manners.
My estate agent kept calling me darling which was incredibly patronising because apart from anything else he was about 20 years younger than me. I ignored him and seethed inwardly but I wish I'd said something.

You can actually tick a box to say you don't want subs, and they will send you an email to tell you :

Which items are missing from your order
How much they've deducted, they do this before your order even arrives

I know this because I get an ASDA Delivery every week

I’m a northerner. Women say luv to each other and to men! It’s not sexist. It’s just langueahe you are brought up with!
Personally I think it’s the height of bad manners to call someone out on their own manners or language that they may have been brought up with.

Depends doesn't it?

Alright love calm down I'll have another look

Oh sorry love let me check the van again

Are you against being called love by another woman?
Or being called "mate" or a more masculine term of endearment by a Male.
Just curious as to if it's any term of endearment by anyone.
Or just restricted to men

He's probably gone back to his van and gone "fuck. What an idiot. She asked me not to call her love and I only went and bloody carried on".

Oh and then he would forget about it by the time he was 4 deliveries gone.
Why.
Because noone cares.

And he doesn't care you dont have a chicken either. He's probably more annoyed at you expecting him to do something about it.

I don't think the issue (for me) is that he used e term- I don't believe it is inherently sexist, but can be used in certain areas as an accepted colloquialism- but the issue is that despite being repeatedly asked not to, they didn't. Whether you find luv, darling, etc inoffensive as it's used regionally, there also needs to be an understanding that people from other areas may not find it as benign, and when told this, need to modify at least briefly, how we speak. I'd probably do an internal eye roll (definitely would) but would juts do it and get the job done and move on.

I’ve lived in Yorkshire all my life. I call my adult kids, their spouses, the DGC, my DBs and even the cat ‘love.’ The bus drivers on my route into town call everyone ‘love’ as does the local postman and women. As has been explained it’s just a friendly term. Well it is here anyhow.

For all of you saying, 'men get called mate all of the time and they don't mind' - look at the meaning of the word 'mate' in comparison to 'doll' 'love' 'petal' 'sweetheart' and tell me it isn't sexism.

It's so ingrained in our society which is why I'm not surprised a lot of people don't recognise it as every day sexism that has become so normalised we are supposed to accept it. It is demeaning and views us even more so as objects to others.

I think the overriding point here is simply that OP asked not to be addressed in a certain way and the driver ignored it. I don't know why (despite your opinions on whether not this is sexist) it shows a basic lack of respect and shouldn't have happened. The way you're trying to demonize OP to enhance your narrative is a little disturbing.

I had an Asda delivery today and the man in his 60's called me honey, insisted on helping my unload the crates then played with my dog for about 5 minutes getting her totally excited...at no point did I feel offended, life is too short!