To stop accepting everyday sexism and never use Asda again

[Canadalife]

We had an Asda order delivered this evening. One item was incorrect (much more expensive item delivered instead of what we ordered....duck instead of chicken!). Being (stupidly) honest I raised it with the driver. He explained that the orders must have been muddled, Fair enough! He searched through the orders. No luck finding the chicken. I said ‘we need something to roast on Sunday’.

He kept calling me “love” throughout the conversation. When I said “please don’t call me love” he accused me of abusing him on the doorstep. I spoke firmly but was in no way confrontational or aggressive, didn’t shout, swear et cetera. Notably he didn’t call either my daughter or husband anything, but did refer to me consistently as love. I felt seriously patronised and belittled.

My husband said “no one is abusing you, she just asked you not to patronise her by calling her love”. The driver repeated that he would not be abused and drove off.

We certainly did not swear, shout or get angry. I am very upset and hate confrontation. I put up with lots of everyday sexism as we all do. I am totally fed up. AIBU to never shop at Asda again.

YABU - this isn't a sexist thing. I know women who call people love too, are they being sexist? It sounds like you were already being harsh on him for something which was out of his control.

be glad he didn't choose to use duck as a term of endearment instead

This is such accepted sexism that even women won't recognise it. They wouldn't get a man a pet name, why a woman he doesn't know?

A man at work kept calling me 'petal' even though I was his senior and could not understand why I asked him to stop. I work hard. I am smart and intelligent woman, I am not a 'petal' or a 'love' and deserve more respect than that.

Well done OP.

Couldn't disagree more and I do hope you're not in any kind of managerial position as you couldn't be more patronising if you were giving it your best shot.

Women Adults know full well when someone's intent is to demean them. A professional office situation with junior and senior staff is in no way comparable to a likely zero hours, minimum wage delivery driver being held responsible for an order he neither picked nor packed. I'd go so far as to say the man felt under duress and wrong footed facing three uptight people on the doorstep pulling him up when he was trying to be pleasant, but was powerless to solve their complaint. Love, Duck and Mate are not pet names in this situation, they're simply a colloquial way of speaking, no offence meant.

On the other hand, yes, in a professional setting I absolutely handed someone his arse for calling me 'dear' It wasn't colloquial and it was wholly inappropriate.

You should spring the extra for Ocado or Waitrose OP and they'll call you Madam. Although they still won't have picked your order or be able to magic up a chicken out of thin air.

As an aside, Asda are pretty much despised for their inability to deliver what's been ordered and for their substitution policy. Other online providers may be more pricey to start with, but do not charge extra for more expensive substitutions.

For those reasons YWBU to order from Asda.

It's up to you op of this is the way you want to be. If this is how you want to live your life and how you want to treat people then go for it. Don't shop at Asda. Make a complaint. If it makes you happy then do it. Good for you.

I used to be a little bit like you but things have gone too far now, in my opinion. And I would hate myself if I was like you. That poor man doing his job, chatting to you in the way that is normal to him.

@SpinMill

Yes! My first thought was Jesus, I hope the OP never moves to Yorks, she'd be permanently offended - it's as dialect as Eh, Lar is in Liverpool!

I personally believe that pet names specially towards women (men do not get called love down south where I am from) is a microaggression and shows a total lack of respect to gendered women.

Is this parody? I can't tell anymore.

OP, don't ever move North of Watford.

I call everybody love. Ma!e or fema!e. If I don't know your name, it's a way of recognising you as an individual, as opposed to treating you as a functionary of your organisation

The man tried to help and looked for a chicken then yoi were being all snarky about by saying 'need something to roast on Sunday'. Tbh it wasnt drivers problem but he tried to sort it and he wasnt able. Love, you sound like a nightmare

Hang on... Can you confirm the whereabouts of the duck?

You are being fucking ridiculous.

HTH

Massive overreaction on your part, seems like you were looking for a fight.

What a fuss about absolutely nothing. Really can’t be doing with the perpetually offended.

What is sexist?

I’m laughing at all the people saying “its just what people say” and “of course men get called love” when they have no idea where the OP lives. If she’s in Surrey, the driver was being patronising and sexist. Yorkshire Dales, not so much.

But the point is she asked him not to address her in a particular manner, he carried on, the dh asked him to stop, he got in a huff, claimed he was being abused and stropped off. Definitely worth a call to customer services - perhaps he makes a habit of crying abuse whenever anyone calls him out on his behaviour?

This might be the lamest AIBU I've ever read on mumsnet.

By the way, i think he called the abusive, because he not only had her having a go but her dh too.

I assume you live down south.

I live down south and plenty of people call each other 'love', 'darling' and 'mate'. There is nothing remotely sexist about it. I think OP was just peeved at not getting her chicken.

Where are you, sugartits OP?

@JellyBabiesSaveLives this, exactly. These people are turning this story into one where the OP is the aggressor when they have no idea about either their tone or body language (both OP and the driver).

Just because you don't agree with OP, don't morph this driver into some sort of friendly, next door type of guy and OP into some raging feminazi to suit your agendas. You should perhaps try to see things from a different perspective, whether you like it or not the world is changing and every day anti female language like the one used by the driver are rightfully being challenged and educated about.

Women should expect more.

I'm just imagining what would happen if Op was greeted with the words "good morning cunt" like the poor poster earlier this week. Now that is something to complain about.
Please read again the helpful post by @Tothemoonandbackx for an explanation on how it more than likely wasn't sexism. (And I'm a radical feminist)

What were you expecting him to do? Pull a chicken out of his arse? 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I think you were being over sensitive but if I were offended by that I would be equally offended by my DH "speaking up for me". Luckily I'm not, so it would all be a non issue for me.

This is such accepted sexism that even women won't recognise it. They wouldn't get a man a pet name, why a woman he doesn't know?
I have lived all over the country and every single place has pet names that men call other men. Usually "mate", "matey" etc. But further up north it's "cock", "love", "duck". The fact that you don't have experience of something does not mean it doesn't happen. Plenty of people are telling you that it's commonplace where they are from.

A man at work kept calling me 'petal' even though I was his senior and could not understand why I asked him to stop.
Well that's a working environment which makes it unprofessional and inappropriate, and yes probably sexist because of the context. It would however also be inappropriate for a junior colleague to call a male senior colleague "mate".

I am smart and intelligent woman, I am not a 'petal' or a 'love' and deserve more respect than that.
Women who are not intelligent also deserve respect.

Also, wtf is a "gendered female"?

It's frequently 'doll' or 'hen' here, West Scotland, not pal as some think, 'here pal' would be a call to war..... Loved how my relatives down south would call me duck and my DH cock- "y'aright cock/hen" lifelong Derbyshire folk.

You dont like confrontation ? Okay then, certainly dont sound like it other wise you wouldn't be snippy asking him not to call you love, and grilling him about your missing chicken - which is not his fault, he didnt pack your shopping for you.
Take it up with asda and stop blaming the delivery driver for the mistake.

Some people on here must lose sleep if they get through a day without being offended, they worry they must be missing some sleight. Look love, just grow up, you have too much spare time on your hands.

@Tattooedmama why are you assuming she was snippy? She simply told him to please not call her love. I understand why you might not agree with not liking being called a pet name, but you should look into why you are morphing this woman into some bitchy role that you're assuming she has taken?

I have asked people in the past not to call me ‘love’. I feel the same as you, OP. YANBU and should complain.

I love the fact I have learnt today that men elsewhere address each other as love. This says to me that I really need to visit more of the UK!