To stop accepting everyday sexism and never use Asda again

[Canadalife]

We had an Asda order delivered this evening. One item was incorrect (much more expensive item delivered instead of what we ordered....duck instead of chicken!). Being (stupidly) honest I raised it with the driver. He explained that the orders must have been muddled, Fair enough! He searched through the orders. No luck finding the chicken. I said ‘we need something to roast on Sunday’.

He kept calling me “love” throughout the conversation. When I said “please don’t call me love” he accused me of abusing him on the doorstep. I spoke firmly but was in no way confrontational or aggressive, didn’t shout, swear et cetera. Notably he didn’t call either my daughter or husband anything, but did refer to me consistently as love. I felt seriously patronised and belittled.

My husband said “no one is abusing you, she just asked you not to patronise her by calling her love”. The driver repeated that he would not be abused and drove off.

We certainly did not swear, shout or get angry. I am very upset and hate confrontation. I put up with lots of everyday sexism as we all do. I am totally fed up. AIBU to never shop at Asda again.

The argument was lost the moment you decided to twist someone's words and infer they said something they didn't.

In fairness @SarahNade I really don't think you should have brought child abuse into this even in the context of reporting or whatever.

The "crimes" are light years apart and reporting of each is also light years apart.

Poor show.

The point I was making @spanglydangly was should women shut up in case they get someone in trouble? Should they just accept something feels uncomfortable? Too often women are told 'don't complain, don't make a fuss'. How many times do we read on here that someone's boss or BIL or relative or whoever did OR said something that made a woman uncomfortable, and she says 'but I don't want to get him into trouble'? We had a poster earlier tell the OP that she could cause the driver to lose his job one month before Christmas.

You see, the OP is being silenced, told not to complain. 'He could lose his job'. How many times do we read of crimes (and I am not suggesting what happened in the OP is a crime, it wasn't, but it DID make the OP feel uncomfortable) where people pressure the victim to be quiet and say nothing because otherwise the person could lose their job?

That is what I am saying. A woman is being SILENCED by shaming her that the man may lose his job, if the woman reports him. This is the exact same methodology of silencing. Whether it be co-worker vs colleague, colleague vs boss, student vs teacher, child vs priest, patient vs doctor (in terms of malpractice), etc - hence the repeated etc in my post. It is a remark on society attempting to silence the victim, in order that the perpetrator doesn't lose their job. The methodology of shaming the victim into silence so the perp keeps his job, was the point of my post, in repy to BlouseAndSkirt Sat 09-Nov-19 10:24:20 Who said in response to me:
OP you should at least complain for the fact he lied and said you were abusing him, when you weren't. You need to call and give your version, no doubt he has done the same

Yes, if you want to get a delivery driver sacked a month before Christmas that is exactly what you should do

SarahNade is this how you are in real life? You're clearly very clever with words, you have a very strong mindset whereby you're always right and anyone who disagrees with you is beneath you, but really, have you ever stopped to listen to yourself? I can't take you seriously!

@Stonerosie67 Really? What have I said that is wrong? Or is it just that you cannot try to understand where someone else is coming from?

Fgs some of these replies. Whether anyone minds being called "love" is by the by. OP didn't like it and asked the guy to stop. He didn't and she got rightly annoyed. I reckon the man was disrespectful to continue saying it after you asked him to stop.

@SarahNade I know what you were trying to say, bringing child abuse into is wrong.

Reporting someone for child abuse and someone saying "love" are polls apart or are you saying that the high number of women on this thread who think OP is over reacting are unable to risk assess the situation?

Child abuse was not a decent comparison.

@AngelsSins If you were going to buy that car one month before Christmas, then yes, you probably cost a man a bonus, one month before Christmas. confused

Nope, he cost himself his bonus, I didn’t owe him a sale.

YABU.

So a woman, once again, should keep quiet. Just in case she gets someone (who abused her) sacked. She should just keep quiet

There is a difference between asking someone not to call you love directly, and complaining about them.

Context is all. I don’t like being addressed by men in terms of diminutive endearments, but whether I like it or not it is a colloquial norm.

The other context is that she had had him searching for a chicken and laying her Sunday roast issues at his door, and he had tried to help even though his job ends with pointing out the substitutions. So it sounds as if she was giving him a hard time.

None of this is a defence of men routinely calling women ‘love’.

This thread is a bit handmaideny. Of course it's sexist. Men don't call each other love

Where I come from everyone calls each other ‘duck’ . Including man to man.

Yeah poor poor man. My heart bleeds.

He's old,he's nice,he's from Cornwall, he's friendly all said with absolute authority based on no facts. Because a man can't possibly be a twat,or sexist,or both. Nooo,he must be poor man .

Cry me a fucking river.

"This thread is a bit handmaideny. Of course it's sexist. Men don't call each other love."

Depending on where you are in the country, yes they do.

Where I went to school both men and women are often called hen. Obviously in this day and age calling anyone a hen is both sexist and henist so anyone who does now is immediately arrested for hate crimes.

Also, last time I checked love is not a gendered term, so it's patently fucking ridiculous to call sexism on it.

YABVU, how ridiculous to get annoyed about this

The calls of "abuse" comparing this to reporting this to reporting child abuse are the reasons serious claims are ignored.....

Hello everyone. We're just dropping by with a reminder of our Talk Guidelines and to ask that you refrain from personal attacks when posting. Peace and love as always.

The calls of "abuse" comparing this to reporting this to reporting child abuse are the reasons serious claims are ignored.....

No,serious claims are ignored because people don't care about the little things or the big things, the system favours men and victimises victims further and mostly because some people are so busy defending men and dismissing the little things they fail to see they're part of and contributing to the serious issues.

@SarahNade I understand what you're saying. Your post at 11.30 was very clear and I'm not sure whether people haven't read it properly or just don't get it.

It's not comparing sexist remarks to sexual abuse, it's trying to point out the culture that surrounds (and excuses) sexism and misogyny in any form. It's not directly comparing - top trumps or straw men or point scoring as people seem to think, it's all part of the wider culture of silencing women or pushing the responsibility/blame of mens' behaviour onto women.

To me, its the same kind of thing where people say to women who have been raped that they should/have a duty to report it as the perpetrator might attack other women - the responsibility for this is on the rapist, never the victim.

Misogyny is any form should not be condoned and clearly challenged as it exists as part of a wider, and huge problem for all women. Women should be able to set their boundaries very clearly and men need to own the responsibility for respecting this.

I work in retail. During a typical shift I’ll be called (by customers, male and female) ‘love’, ‘darling’, ‘sweetheart’, ‘doll’, ‘hun’ etc etc.
In the scheme of things, it really doesn’t matter.

Who could be arsed honestly

@YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet if you are deleting personal attacks, you may want to go through the whole thread where, as I said in my earlier post, the OP has variously been called a stuck up, fucking pathetic, snobby, snowflake, unhinged bitch who needs to get a life.

Some of these posts are really vile and would discourage women from posting on MN about situations they found sexist, if this is how they are responded to, which is a real shame.