To stop accepting everyday sexism and never use Asda again

[Canadalife]

We had an Asda order delivered this evening. One item was incorrect (much more expensive item delivered instead of what we ordered....duck instead of chicken!). Being (stupidly) honest I raised it with the driver. He explained that the orders must have been muddled, Fair enough! He searched through the orders. No luck finding the chicken. I said ‘we need something to roast on Sunday’.

He kept calling me “love” throughout the conversation. When I said “please don’t call me love” he accused me of abusing him on the doorstep. I spoke firmly but was in no way confrontational or aggressive, didn’t shout, swear et cetera. Notably he didn’t call either my daughter or husband anything, but did refer to me consistently as love. I felt seriously patronised and belittled.

My husband said “no one is abusing you, she just asked you not to patronise her by calling her love”. The driver repeated that he would not be abused and drove off.

We certainly did not swear, shout or get angry. I am very upset and hate confrontation. I put up with lots of everyday sexism as we all do. I am totally fed up. AIBU to never shop at Asda again.

@slipperywhensparticus where does it say that he didn't stop?

It rather depends on how it was used.

If it was ‘calm your tits, love, it’s only a chicken’, then it’s not on. If it was ‘oh I’m sorry, love. Let me just check the other orders’, then I couldn’t get worked up about it.

The ‘what am I going to roast on Sunday’ comment reminds me of when I worked in a shop in Guildford.
At Christmas we had a couple of mirror balls. They sold out really quickly. This was pre internet so no chance of anyone ordering any online etc.
Just after the last one was sold a woman marched up to the shop and asked to buy one. We said sorry but we’ve sold out. She said ‘well what am I meant to do now?’, and just stood there and stared at me like I could magic one out of thin air.

The world is full of sexist patronizing males putting on these little dominance displays, and it is also full of women telling other women that the behavior is perfectly normal and to be expected so we need to shut up about it

This.

Also Asda separates their kids clothes into horrendous unicorns and fluff for girls, blue and dinosaurs for boys, in clearly labelled sections. Another reason to boycott them if sexism is the issue!

Really? You sound a bit unhinged!
‘Where do you want the shopping, love?’
‘On the table please’
Thanks, bye etc.
That’s normal!!
Women use ‘love’ too, it’s like saying ‘mate’ , ‘pet’ or ‘duck’ etc.

Really? You sound a bit unhinged!

Just what I was thinking. Its the 'but we need something to roast on Sunday' that makes me laugh. As if they were not going to allow the driver to leave until he could produce a free range chicken . Bet he couldn't get away fast enough

Where I live now, it’s Darl. Not sure if it’s short for darling or a corruption of doll. But most likely doll I think.
I really hate it but I would never pull someone up on it because that would be rude of me.
YWBU.

The world is full of sexist patronizing males putting on these little dominance displays, and it is also full of women telling other women that the behavior is perfectly normal and to be expected so we need to shut up about it

So what are women doing when they call me love, sweetheart etc? Is that a dominance thing too?

An over reaction. I can't see the problem with love, trying living in this part of the country and being called duck. Both terms of endearment and not offensive.

The ‘what am I going to roast on Sunday’ comment reminds me of when I worked in a shop in Guildford.

The OP didn’t say that. And she had actually ordered it. It wasn’t unreasonable of her to wonder where it or its replacement was.

@PeggyWooley the OP wrote:

I said ‘we need something to roast on Sunday’.
What did she expect the guy to do? What was the purpose of her comment?

Personally I don't know why she couldn't roast the duck.

Peggy could she not have roasted the substitute duck???

So OP (if you ever come back to the thread which I doubt), would you have said the same to a woman delivery driver who had called you love? Genuine question as if not you are being the sexist one!

Sorry but you are massively over reacting, when I worked on the front line in a bank I would get called all sorts from 'hen' to 'pet' but I never took offence, it's just some people's way of being friendly

I quite like being called love

YABU, this one employee doesn't represent the thousands of other people working for Asda. You need to complain about this one person if you're unhappy with his behaviour not the whole store

OP you should at least complain for the fact he lied and said you were abusing him, when you weren't. You need to call and give your version, no doubt he has done the same.

Where I am, 'love' has been seen as sexist (a man would never in a zillion years call another male 'love') and taboo since the late 80s/90s. It is not seen as proper, polite or PC and hasn't been used widely except from the elderly for a couple of decades at least. I guess some places are a bit more backward and slow to change. 'Love' used by a male, often with mansplaining, is used as a patronising and sexist put down. The fact that he got enraged that you asked him to stop, only adds to the male dominance and sense of entitlement, which basically shows it was about a put down of you from the start. Otherwise, he would have apologised for offending you. But to take offence at being called out? It basically lends credence to the fact that he was indeed patronising you. I know AIBU is a nest of vipers but I never thought you would get so much abuse on here when you did absolutely nothing wrong. It just goes to show how backwards and resistant to change some areas are.

But does anyone even still do Sunday roasts any more? I thought that tradition died out a couple of decades ago also. I know my mum used to do it, but hasn't for at least 15 years. No one else I know around here does Sunday roasts. Some kids today have never even heard of the concept.

There are very good reasons to boycott ASDA, though, particularly how they are treating their loyal staff by forcing them to sign punishing contracts or get the sack just before Christmas.

I'm from Yorkshire - the majority of people called people love, it's nit gender specific- I'd find it really hard to stop saying it after you asked tbh, it's just a word, not a 3rd world problem !

Just like the n word is 'just a word'!

Can't believe someone actually managed to turn this into a NAMALT issue.

How about addressing people by their NAMES. How about that as a concept?

How is love sexist? I am a woman of a certain age and I call everyone love male and female. Instead of over reacting perhaps you could be nicer to people.

I've said sir before only to realise I was speaking to a woman! I've also not been sure weather it's a man or a woman so used something generic.
Maybe he couldn't tell what you were so he just said "love" to save any embarrassment for you both.

How about addressing people by their NAMES. How about that as a concept?

Great idea - shall we all wear little badges so that everyone we meet knows what to call us?

Did you check on your orders to see if the duck was a substitute for the chicken? In which case you are only charged for the original item if it costs less than the substitute.

In any case the driver tried to be helpful and locate the missing chicken. You didn't like being called love and spoke to him firmly, he felt that he was being abused and retreated from the situation.

I would rather be called love than be called my cocker, which is what my grandpa and almost everyone else in the town called everyone, male or female, (mind you I got the impression that if he just called you cock then that's what he thought you were)