To stop accepting everyday sexism and never use Asda again

[Canadalife]

We had an Asda order delivered this evening. One item was incorrect (much more expensive item delivered instead of what we ordered....duck instead of chicken!). Being (stupidly) honest I raised it with the driver. He explained that the orders must have been muddled, Fair enough! He searched through the orders. No luck finding the chicken. I said ‘we need something to roast on Sunday’.

He kept calling me “love” throughout the conversation. When I said “please don’t call me love” he accused me of abusing him on the doorstep. I spoke firmly but was in no way confrontational or aggressive, didn’t shout, swear et cetera. Notably he didn’t call either my daughter or husband anything, but did refer to me consistently as love. I felt seriously patronised and belittled.

My husband said “no one is abusing you, she just asked you not to patronise her by calling her love”. The driver repeated that he would not be abused and drove off.

We certainly did not swear, shout or get angry. I am very upset and hate confrontation. I put up with lots of everyday sexism as we all do. I am totally fed up. AIBU to never shop at Asda again.

@WhiskeyLullaby

Calm down love.

Whether the name he called you is sexist is irrelevant here. You asked him to stop calling you love and he railroaded over that and continued to do so. Then turned the blame onto you, most likely because it was an attempt to shut you down. DARVO basically.

@littlehappyhippo aren't you a clever cookie?

Except love doesn't bother me and I use it myself,so your little dig is pointless.

However I don't have my head that far up my own arse or are that full of self importance to assume that if I'm ok with it everyone else should be , and if they aren't well they must be snobby,professionally offended bitches. .... Love

People here call both sexes love. I think YABU

And speaking to someone 'firmly' suggests you weren't pleasant about voicing your dissatisfaction about the term he used

It's irrelevant if you're man,woman ,from Cornwall,Yorkshire,China,dog ,cat or platypus and you like/don't mind being called love. Or you call others love.

People are only bringing this up to counter the argument that "love" is absolutely always sexist because it's never directed at men or only ever used in X,Y,Z circumstances. They are making the point that for many people there are zero connotations that go along with this word. It's simply just part of local dialect for many parts of the country. This is a relevant point to make.

In the grand scheme of things....

@WhatsInAName19 but the point is that she did feel it was sexist and should be well within her right to ask him to stop and the fact that is then escalated from there highlights the sexism as he should have just said 'okay', he couldn't accept it and then kicked off.

Instead of saying that there are all of these users acting as if OP is some sort of demon, which does to demonstrate how ignorant we are about language and basic respect. If a woman feels uncomfortable with language or actions, she should be totally within her right to say so, in ANY situation. If she can't say something here, where do we draw the line?

OP doesn't like it,finds it patronising and is allowed to ask not to be called that

Of course. No one has said otherwise and that point has been made by me and many others upthread.

the appropriate response to being asked that is to stop using it

Which the driver did.

Not continue using it and then shout abuse when you're asked again.

He was asked once. It's the weirdness of that resulting conflict which makes people think OP might have been rude.

No one disagrees with you that people should stop using love if asked to. The points of disagreement with OP are:

1. That 'love' is not intrinsically sexist in the way it was used here.
2. People suspect OP was much ruder than she's making out.

Another warning, this time not to visit Stoke, where the term of endearment is sometimes 'shag', as in 'alright shag, how's your mum'.

I personally wouldn't be offended and think you would be overreacting to get cross at being called love. BUT for him to continue deliberately calling you love after you specifically asked him not to is extremely rude. I would have expected him to roll his eyes, and not say it again.

@donquixotedelamancha where is 'here'?

I don't think anybody on the thread is saying that women should put up with being called anything that they don't want to be, and have asked not to be. I don't think that the driver's reaction was based on being asked not to call OP "love". I think she probably was very rude throughout the interaction and that's why he accused her of being abusive and left. Saying this is DARVO is fucking ridiculous.

Is that you Meghan Markle?

Would you have been as offended if it were a woman delivery driver calling you "love"? Because it's a term women use to women too. So how can it be sexist?

He should have stopped when you first asked him. To respond to your reasonable request by accusing you of abuse was just ridiculous.

Yes I would continue to use Asda but I would complain to them. They'll either give him an earful or a bit of training.

Even if I had been offended (which I wouldn’t have been), I really couldn’t be bothered to pull someone up on it in a 5 minute encounter! Life is too short, he probably didn’t mean anything by it at all. Such a sad way to live to be offended by every little thing, it must be absolutely draining to get so worked up about such minor things. Such a first world problem!

Are you always this dramatic?

Don’t worry, he’ll probably think of you as cockwomble in future, rather than ‘love’.

WHilst there are religions thriving where women are second class citizens and we are just letting it go you won’t beat it in fact it will just get worse

I have to admit that I use the word 'love' and more often 'darling' when speaking to members of my own family and friends but wouldn't use it when talking to somebody I didn't know. My daughters and son are used to it and take it in their stride as my own parents used the words a lot in their lifetime. It can be a generational thing and regional thing as well I suppose (I'm from London).

One daughter is at the moment living in Nottingham and is called 'duck' a lot but isn't worried.

he couldn't accept it and then kicked off.

Like I've said, this is the crux of the disagreement @Ilovethekitties. You beieve OP's version of events and I don't. I agree that it would have been wrong for the driver to kick off at being asked not to call OP "love". I just don't believe that's what happened. I think she was rude throughout their exchange and he had a strop and stormed off.

Maybe you should grow up and accept the fact that there are people in the world who have real problems?

You're having your food delivered to your house for Christ's sake some people can't afford to eat, yet you take offence to a coloquialism?

@Jux this is ASDA - they will sack him

donquixotedelamancha where is 'here'?

In that post, here is referring to the situation where some posters think pet names are not used by men to each other in the South.

When this topic comes up many people from all over the uk insist they are and others equally strongly insist it's gendered.

I suspect there is a strong class component to why this is the case, though I think it's much more common up North.

Never mind a duck, they should have substituted your chicken with a grip!

I had a Tesco delivery today and had my usual driver and a trainee. They both held the crates up for me to unpack, the usual man was telling the trainee about my disabilities then when he left he said "you get back sat in the warm, my love." I give no shits. He's an absolute angel of a man who helps me immensely which is why I always order my shopping for the same time on the same day.