To really resent this

[Orangeblossom78]

We have some relatives on DH's side (his sister and her husband) and over the years we have sometimes visited them and them us. It's always been OK, we had DC ourselves and when we visited them (or them us at that stage) we would all just spend time together.

However since they had DC also, what seems to happen is that her DH will grab mine as soon as they some in and announce they are off to the pub. Not asking his wife or me anything just "OK, mate shall we head off to the pub then?" And off they go, leaving me and his wife often to make the tea for four children at the same time as trying to cook a meal for 4 adults as well as any other family (usually DH's parents and other family) who are also going to come round.

Last time this happened, they didn;t come back from the pub for ages even though the other family had turned up. We were all waiting to eat. When they finally got in it was because "no-one had called them to tell them". - Yes as we were too busy dealing with it all!

Dh's sister says that it is her DH's family tradition to go off to the pub like that. His dad does it too, and when the in laws visit her she is used to him and his dad doing off to the pub while she puts the kids to bed with the MIL.

I spoke to DH about it and why he goes along with it and he says he finds it hard being out on the spot like that to say no. It would seem rude .

AIBU in thinking this is a pain in the are and selfish, and next time I should just grab his sister and announce we are off to the pub, leave them to deal with DC's, other family visitors and shuffle back hours later?

Absolutely go down the pub with his sister

Go for it.

In age old mumsnet tradition, you've a husband problem. He can easily say no, he chooses not to and he chooses to stay out. It's nothing to do with thr other guy. Deal with your husband if you don't like it.

Go to the pub with his sister.

Dh's sister says that it is her DH's family tradition

But the person instigating this didn’t grow up in DH’s family! It’s DH’s sister’s husband??

I would have exploded to DH long before now and he wouldn’t be doing it again!

Well yes he could say no, couldn't he. (DH) he did say he would much prefer to stay in, he likes seeing the Dc and cooking etc (he usually makes the big meals). However it is always the other DH who asks / assumes that is what is happening, not mine.

Family tradition for the men to abandon ship and the women to do the work.

Did this family tradition originate in 1950?

It needs to change. I would not tolerate this at all.

I wouldn't have it either
Go to the pub with his sister or just drink indoors and order a takeaway. Don't cater to this nonsense

Then why doesn’t he man up and say no??

I remember DH and I visiting his DB, SIL and 2 kids years ago. DB immediately suggested to DH that they go to the pub and, thankfully, he made some excuse and didn't go. When we got home DH he'd made the right call and that I wasn't going to sit in with SIL being bored to death talking kidstuff. If he was going to be asked to go to the pub next time, he was to make sure he said Id love to go for a drink too.

Have dh turn up at the door carrying a veg peeler.
The new tradition is he is in charge of carrots and sprouts...

Why on earth are you putting up with this shit?! You’re his wife. You are supposed to come before anyone. Yet he’d rather treat you like a skivvy than say ‘no mate, that’s not on’ when some bloke he’s only related to by marriage asks him to leave all the work to you? Why is he putting his bil’s feelings before his wife’s feelings?

This is the tradition in DPs family too.

However, the women staying at home used to chat and drink more than the men in the pub (no tiny DC to neglect of course) and forget to do any cooking until the men came home.

Well to be honest we rarely see them now due to this.

He’s hardly being put on the spot. You both know ahead of time what your sil dh will day and do do plan some responses now

I really couldn’t get worked up about this.

She told me he just goes off to the pub most evenings alone, on the way home from work. They have young DC. I don't get it.

I really don't see this as a massive issue. Make the kids some pizza, hot dogs etc, have a glass of wine with his sister, then order take away and get the men to pick it up on their way back. I don't see why it needs to cause so much stress.

I think your DH should suggest that he and his BIL stay and cook for everyone while you and SIL go to the pub.

Before we married, my FIL, my now DH and his DB used to get sent out to the social club on Christmas day to be out of the way so that MIL cooked Christmas dinner in peace. They'd be gone for hours.

As soon as we married I trained DH up to help with preparing it.

Hell yes grab the sister and announce
"Pub ? it's our turn now! We expect the tea and kids to be ready at 7pm"

You're both letting them get away with it. Nothing wrong with it but why can't you two have a break and enjoy yourselves ?

It causes a lot of stress because often, his parents and other siblings are their family also come round for dinner. We can't get a takeaway for so many people it would cost a fortune. Also their kids are small and a handful, and it is not easy.

It causes a lot of stress

For who?

As far as I can see, your DH and this other lazy arse are in the pub whilst everyone else does all the dog work.

There’s no stress for them, is there??

Well for me and the sister of course..

However it is always the other DH who asks / assumes that is what is happening, not mine

Well unless there is a drip feed where he has mental health issues, or some weird back story, he's a grown up and has to take responsibility for his actions. I'm sorry op but he's not some little kid that has to do as the big boys tell him.

Ask your husband to say no next time. He can do it casually - "no thanks, going to cook us all dinner, why don't you give me a hand in the kitchen, I'll grab you a beer" or something.