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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really resent this

115 replies

Orangeblossom78 · 08/11/2019 09:16

We have some relatives on DH's side (his sister and her husband) and over the years we have sometimes visited them and them us. It's always been OK, we had DC ourselves and when we visited them (or them us at that stage) we would all just spend time together.

However since they had DC also, what seems to happen is that her DH will grab mine as soon as they some in and announce they are off to the pub. Not asking his wife or me anything just "OK, mate shall we head off to the pub then?" And off they go, leaving me and his wife often to make the tea for four children at the same time as trying to cook a meal for 4 adults as well as any other family (usually DH's parents and other family) who are also going to come round.

Last time this happened, they didn;t come back from the pub for ages even though the other family had turned up. We were all waiting to eat. When they finally got in it was because "no-one had called them to tell them". Hmm - Yes as we were too busy dealing with it all!

Dh's sister says that it is her DH's family tradition to go off to the pub like that. His dad does it too, and when the in laws visit her she is used to him and his dad doing off to the pub while she puts the kids to bed with the MIL.

I spoke to DH about it and why he goes along with it and he says he finds it hard being out on the spot like that to say no. It would seem rude .

AIBU in thinking this is a pain in the are and selfish, and next time I should just grab his sister and announce we are off to the pub, leave them to deal with DC's, other family visitors and shuffle back hours later?

OP posts:
fedup21 · 08/11/2019 10:21

@lottiegarbanzo I agree with every paragraph you wrote!

aSofaNearYou · 08/11/2019 10:24

Disclaimer: generalisation (obviously), but I will never understand why men seem to be so ridiculously susceptible to peer pressure that they are incapable of saying no to another man without fearing it's going to be perceived as some huge confrontation.

Like the men who claim they only make sexist jokes around their friends or go to a strip club knowing their partner wasn't ok with it because it would be awkward not to go along with the group - nobody is asking them to say "no I won't do that and I think what you're doing is a disgrace and degrading to women", just say "no I don't fancy it". Women seem to be far more capable of saying no to something or having different interests from one another without all assuming that's a confrontational act.

Your husband should just say he doesn't fancy the pub next time, and then it will stop being a thing.

PhantomErik · 08/11/2019 10:25

We have a couple of friends like this & it drives DH crazy!

Whenever we see them my friend's DH will try & get my DH to go out somewhere, pub/snooker hall or if we're all out together like at the beach he'll suggest just the two of them go out on the kayaks or have a surf etc etc. Leaving me & his DW watching 5 young children between us.

The only thing that stopped it was DH saying no that his time off was precious to him & he wanted to spend it with his family.

It made things a bit awkward & it's changed the dynamic & we don't socialise with them much now but I'm glad DH said it.

eddielizzard · 08/11/2019 10:32

It's incredibly rude to pitch up at someone's house and immediately take off to the local pub. Your DH saying no is a lot less rude. In fact, it's only 'rude' in the sense that it would show your BIL up for being a selfish arse.

Your DH should def be cooking the next meal, and you all firmly stay at home, looking after the kids and helping with the meal jointly.

That's the tradition that needs to be enforced!

thenightsky · 08/11/2019 10:38

he says he finds it hard being out on the spot like that to say no. It would seem rude

Whereas being a cheeky fucker who thinks someone else should do all the work producing dinner is perfectly polite?

FacebookRager · 08/11/2019 10:40

We have holidayed with the in laws for years, twice a year every year at a local caravan site. It's cheap and cheerful and the younger kids and MIL love it.
My problem is, the menfolk (DH and SIL's husband) go off to the pub every night leaving the womenfolk with the kids. DH isn't a drinker and only goes along with it because SIL's DH is a caveman.
This year I said, "Fuck that!" and left our DC with MIL and SIL and went to the pub with them at 7:30pm within an hour they were calling asking why I wasn't back yet. I handed the phone to DH and said "Your mum wants you home to get the kids"
In the end I told MIL to send the kids back next door to our caravan and my eldest just watched her siblings.

OP, next time, do it. Grab your DSIL and go to the pub first!

I was saddled with wifework from the inlaws when I got with DH and have never really gone along with it so now it's just not expected. They no longer call me to chastise ME for forgetting HIS family's birthdays etc.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 08/11/2019 10:45

I would volunteer him to cook something in advance (dave has said hell be in charge of sides / pudding and we'll bring the stuff)

Then when you get there and he says that he can say sorry mate I'm on cooking duty today and anyway it'll be nice to see everyone, we hardly got to see the kids last time.
Or agree in advance he will take the kids to the park or an activity etc so he can spend some time with them and at least they will be out of the way for you

Or just tell the truth, sorry I dont really feel like drinking / it's my turn to drive back / I'd really like to spend some time with the kids / I feel like it's not fair on the wives to do cooking and childcare while we relax, why dont we do x y z

thenightsky · 08/11/2019 10:51

Or don't do anything until they return from the pub to share the load.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 08/11/2019 10:55

She told me he just goes off to the pub most evenings alone, on the way home from work
without know them, that enough says to me that he has a drinking problem. But regarding your situation, your problem is not him, it's your DH. He is a grown man who can say no, simple as.

messolini9 · 08/11/2019 10:55

I spoke to DH about it and why he goes along with it and he says he finds it hard being out on the spot like that to say no. It would seem rude.

Hmmm.
As rude as inviting a couple to visit you, then blithely expecting the DW of the visitors to buckle under & childmind & cook your dinner while you skip to the pub?

DH is being feeble.
Next time, he needs to say "sure great idea, DW & SiL will enjoy the break while we hold the fort".
If he doesn't, then YOU need to say it, OP.

Jeez, male entitlement writ large or wot.

Lovemenorca · 08/11/2019 10:57

I remember you from another thread. Your children are 10/11 and 15. They hardly need much parenting during a family visit! If you want to go to the pub suggest you all go and the children can read, cards, iPad. If you don’t fancy pub, don’t go just to make a point, surely kids occupy themselves meanwhile you and sil enjoy a glass of wine and chat together. If you fancy doing lunch, do it leisurely over wine with sil. If you don’t then tell those at going to pub they need to be back to prep dinner!

PuppyMonkey · 08/11/2019 10:57

Don’t agree with the “just get in there first and grab the sister” scenario. You need to tackle it head on and TELL the DH - “not tonight mister, it’s your turn to cook.”

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 08/11/2019 11:00

Is this a family tradition that's working for everyone else except you? If so, then it's probably going to be difficult to change it.
Depending on what your real issue is with it then: give the DCs to your DH and DBIL as they walk out the door and tell them they're taking the DCs to the park instead of going to the pub or go to the pub with your DSIL and leave DH and DBIL to prepare dinner or have dinner with the rest of the family whilst they're out.

Lifeisabeach09 · 08/11/2019 11:00

Agree with PP. Preempt the men next time and go to the pub with SIL yourself.
Outdated nonsense.

Lovemenorca · 08/11/2019 11:01

So this is what happens when you visit them

What happens when they visit you?

GabriellaMontez · 08/11/2019 11:20

You have a dh problem. He needs to grow a pair.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 08/11/2019 11:25

"I remember you from another thread. Your children are 10/11 and 15. They hardly need much parenting during a family visit!"

As I mentioned, their children are small and a handful...we would also be cooking a large meal for others, not easy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 08/11/2019 11:27

Yes it happens when they visit us also. They also like to leave their DC with us while they shop, beforehand. And of course they are small so need putting to bed also

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 08/11/2019 11:30

The other option is you all go to the pub. Take the kids with you. If your husband simply can't find his big girl pants and say no. Just say great idea, we will all go.

WorraLiberty · 08/11/2019 11:31

They also like to leave their DC with us while they shop, beforehand. And of course they are small so need putting to bed also

That's because you let them though, so surely you're ok with that?

Foslady · 08/11/2019 11:34

Try having this ever Christmas Day with three kids who aren’t yours and don’t want to be there, want to be with their mum, MIL knocking back sherry saying’I’m cooking, keep them ALL out of my way and a wonderful Granny that wasn’t keen on being dumped like this either!
XH would come back drunk, happy with everyone else but foul with me as he knew I was mad as hell!
We’d usually start talking properly around January the 10th (his birthday was on the 15th.......)

Lovemenorca · 08/11/2019 11:34

So what happens when they visit you
The husband still grabs your husband and heads off to the pub?

WorraLiberty · 08/11/2019 11:39

Anyway I think the most important question here is, what are you going to do about this, OP?

Are you going to wise up to your husband and stop him treating you like a mug?

His behaviour is every bit as sexist as his BIL's but you don't seem to be focusing on that.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 08/11/2019 11:40

Your DH is being a jerk. A simple 'No can do BIL, I'm making the dinner. since you're free you can help me by peeling the potatoes.'

Beautiful3 · 08/11/2019 11:41

If my husband did this I think i would tell him, he is in charge of dinner. If he still went to the pub I'd make sandwiches and just say sorry, my husband was supposed to be cooking dinner! What else can anyone say?!