To really resent this

[Orangeblossom78]

We have some relatives on DH's side (his sister and her husband) and over the years we have sometimes visited them and them us. It's always been OK, we had DC ourselves and when we visited them (or them us at that stage) we would all just spend time together.

However since they had DC also, what seems to happen is that her DH will grab mine as soon as they some in and announce they are off to the pub. Not asking his wife or me anything just "OK, mate shall we head off to the pub then?" And off they go, leaving me and his wife often to make the tea for four children at the same time as trying to cook a meal for 4 adults as well as any other family (usually DH's parents and other family) who are also going to come round.

Last time this happened, they didn;t come back from the pub for ages even though the other family had turned up. We were all waiting to eat. When they finally got in it was because "no-one had called them to tell them". - Yes as we were too busy dealing with it all!

Dh's sister says that it is her DH's family tradition to go off to the pub like that. His dad does it too, and when the in laws visit her she is used to him and his dad doing off to the pub while she puts the kids to bed with the MIL.

I spoke to DH about it and why he goes along with it and he says he finds it hard being out on the spot like that to say no. It would seem rude .

AIBU in thinking this is a pain in the are and selfish, and next time I should just grab his sister and announce we are off to the pub, leave them to deal with DC's, other family visitors and shuffle back hours later?

His behaviour is every bit as sexist as his BIL's but you don't seem to be focusing on that.

It’s worse actually. The BIL makes no bones about it. He is loud and clear that he wants to go for a drink.

The OP’s husband goes but then whispers to his wife that he doesn’t really want to. Pathetic really

You need to tell you husband your not putting up with this any longer and that he has to stay and help with the lunch and childcare.
All he needs to say is that he is helping you from now on. If he attempts to leave and go to the pub then I'd just walk out and be gone for the day at least if not longer.
This is not the 1970s OP you don't have to put up with it. The problem here is your husband.

I would lose all respect for my DH if he tried to use the 'well it seemed rude to say no' excuse in this situation, largely because as PP's have pointed out it's far more rude to fuck off to the pub and leave all the work/kids to others. I would also absolutely expect that he sorted this (by, you know, just saying no to BIL next time...) and made sure it didn't happen again.

I genuinely don't understand men like BIL, why on earth do they get married, have kids etc and then spend all their time and energy trying to get away from their DW and DC?!! If they wanted to live the single life then why didn't they just, well, stay single? It's ridiculous and a bit pathetic really isn't it?

I pressed YABU by mistake!

YANBU, obviously.

When you walk in announce loudly as you cross the threshold "Sorry BIL but you're not stealing DH to go to the pub I need his help here and I'm sure there's plenty of things your wife needs you to do as well" and if he objects say "Well since you do go to the pub daily you can do that later after we finish our meal"

Yep next time when it’s said say “ohh it’s me and SIL’s turn to go to the pub I am sure you will enjoy cooking “ then grab your jackets and go. I would actually arrange this with SIL beforehand so she knows too

Before they come next time, just tell them that your DH and her DH are not sloping off down the pub, they'll be cooking the meal while you and SIL sit and enjoy a glass of wine and a catch-up.

I think Ariadnepersephonecloud 's way to approach it is excellent. Get him to practice it beforehand if he needs to. Your DH thinks it would be rude to say something. Rude to whom? What about it being rude to you? Why is he worried more about being 'rude' to this other bloke, than offending you?

"OK, mate shall we head off to the pub then?"
"Not me, mate, I am your masterchef for the evening and I need to stay and cook. I have some bottles in though, shall we open some?"

Sorted.

Oh, sorry, I see the problem is when you visit them.

In which case

"OK, mate shall we head off to the pub then?"
"Actually I brought some bottles with us so I can stay and have a drink with my sister too. That OK with you, mate?"

I'd be raging too OP. I feel for his wife. It's a shame the two of you can't just go out together and leave the husbands to cook and look after the family, young & old.

Your DH needs to refuse to go esp if he really doesn't want to. It's not polite of your BIL to arrive & then leave for pub do I don't know why your DH is worrying about coming across as impolite to refuse.

I dated a bloke whose family were like this. Every Sunday his dad, brother and if we were there my exDP too would go down the pub leaving 'the women' to cook Sunday dinner and they'd come back once dinner was ready. I HATED it! It's such an outdated way to live, basically the blokes get to sod off down the pub, sit and chat, drink, and relax whilst the women continue to work at home! But exDP dad did see housework as womens work despite his mum also working. He also used to hit his wife and children and once told me a woman is 'asking to be raped if she's wearing a short skirt walking down the street'. The whole men off down the pub scenario brings back horrible memories of a really horrible man for me.

It's incredibly rude to pitch up at someone's house and immediately take off to the local pub.

Indeed.

What a knob.

If it ever happens again, scoop the children up and take them to Maccie D, or order in pizza. Whichever, just make sure when they roll in there's not a scrap left for them. Or maybe one pizza slice with a bite out of it, cold, in a greasy box and a nearly-empty dipping sauce pot sitting alongside.

I think you'd only need to do it once. You and SiL could be discovered watching a chick flick with big chilled glasses of something white, saying something like, "We fed ourselves and all the kids and put them to bed, so fend for yourselves: we had to!"

"AIBU in thinking this is a pain in the are and selfish, and next time I should just grab his sister and announce we are off to the pub, leave them to deal with DC's, other family visitors and shuffle back hours later?"

Definitely do this! I'm assuming your sister in law is equally pissed off by this - so I'd let her in on the plan, so she knows what's happening and you can both swan off to the pub. Just make sure you make it clear to the men that they are responsible for feeding the children and all of you!

I can’t beliebe people are saying this isn’t a big issue! My blood is BOILING just imagining my DH and BIL being sexist and disrespectful enough to do this to me. It’s a bloody huge deal and also setting a shit example to the children who really don’t need to be seeing their dads behaving like it’s 1950 and learning that this is acceptable. OP YANBU but YABU not to have said ‘Are you f**king joking?!’ the very first time it happened!

My bloke would only have to do this once to find himself single.

ust say "you went to the pub last time, it's our turn".

This!

It's totally different when I go visit my own family. I haven't come across it before. When we visit my brother and his wife and kids, when the Dc were young we'd sometimes get my parents to baby sit and then my brother, his wife, me and Dh would go to the pub.

Some families are weirdly old school like this. Like one of the PPs I went out with a bloke whose Dad would go to the pub straight from work every night, then come home and say "where's my dinner". Even 20 years ago, and accounting for it being the older generation, I could see that was bullshit.
I don't see how your SIL puts up with it... though if she does that's her problem. But as PPs have said, you absolutely do not have to put up with that sort of shitty behaviour from your DH!

also setting a shit example to the children who really don’t need to be seeing their dads behaving like it’s 1950 and learning that this is acceptable

Yes, and this!!

Take some beers with you then DH can have a beer while he cooks

'off to the pub then'
'no, not tonight. It's rude to always leave my wife to host everyone'

YANBU obviously.

@Orangeblossom78

Of COURSE you are not being unreasonable! Sadly, I do know a few men like this/families with men like this. Leave the drudgery and childcare to the women, while they fuck off out. And they usually act gobsmacked if SHE drives her husband's car, or mows the lawn and does the gardening. 'You LET HER do it?' and you let HER drive your car???' And this comes from men who are only in their 30s and 40s.

OP, you know what you have to do. Tell your DH that you will no longer have these people around if this happens again. He needs to stand his ground and tell the BIL that he is staying put, and is going to share the chores and childcare with you! (It's his house, and his children, so he bloody well should do!)

He is coming across as woefully weak and spineless by not standing up to this man, and defending you. Is he scared of not appearing 'manly' enough? I would find this a very unattractive trait in a man.

As an aside, why do people always say 'is this the 1950s?!' Misogynistic behaviour from men, existed before that decade, and it's occurred often enough SINCE then. It's not just the 1950s where many men were sexist, and women were expected to do the housework and childcare... Why is the default decade (on here) ALWAYS the 1950s?