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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To really resent this

115 replies

Orangeblossom78 · 08/11/2019 09:16

We have some relatives on DH's side (his sister and her husband) and over the years we have sometimes visited them and them us. It's always been OK, we had DC ourselves and when we visited them (or them us at that stage) we would all just spend time together.

However since they had DC also, what seems to happen is that her DH will grab mine as soon as they some in and announce they are off to the pub. Not asking his wife or me anything just "OK, mate shall we head off to the pub then?" And off they go, leaving me and his wife often to make the tea for four children at the same time as trying to cook a meal for 4 adults as well as any other family (usually DH's parents and other family) who are also going to come round.

Last time this happened, they didn;t come back from the pub for ages even though the other family had turned up. We were all waiting to eat. When they finally got in it was because "no-one had called them to tell them". - Yes as we were too busy dealing with it all!

Dh's sister says that it is her DH's family tradition to go off to the pub like that. His dad does it too, and when the in laws visit her she is used to him and his dad doing off to the pub while she puts the kids to bed with the MIL.

I spoke to DH about it and why he goes along with it and he says he finds it hard being out on the spot like that to say no. It would seem rude .

AIBU in thinking this is a pain in the are and selfish, and next time I should just grab his sister and announce we are off to the pub, leave them to deal with DC's, other family visitors and shuffle back hours later?

OP posts:

Brefugee · 08/11/2019 09:50

I really don't see this as a massive issue

why not? OP is stuck with a family that she married into while her husband makes whoopie?

How about when you are nearly there, text SIL to get her coat and shoes on, when you get there, don't take your coat off, grab her and go out until closing time. Your DH will probably be ok with that as a demonstration of how weird it is.

Or just shout loudly: hey! the 50s called and they want your attitude back?

KatherineJaneway · 08/11/2019 09:51

Sounds like he goes to the pub to get away from his wife and kids.

MinTheMinx · 08/11/2019 09:52

Isn't it every family's 'tradition' that the men piss off at every opportunity and expect the women to do all the work?

Except it's now 2019 and that isn't how it works any more. Stand up for yourself OP.

RuggerHug · 08/11/2019 09:53

Next time he says 'pub?' Your DH responds with 'no, if you really can't cope without a drink, here's a can to have as you set the table'.

fedup21 · 08/11/2019 09:53

Who organises these get togethers?

TheCatInAHat · 08/11/2019 09:54

YANBU to resent it. But it’s 100% your DH that’s the problem here.

Drum2018 · 08/11/2019 09:56

It wouldn't be a problem if your Dh said no, which is a very simple thing to do. The only person you should be annoyed with is your own Dh for pissing off to the pub with him. Stop making excuses for him.

fedup21 · 08/11/2019 09:56

If it’s always at your house, don’t invite them again and when someone asks you why, say-‘sorry, it’s not much fun cooking dinner for x and looking after the kids, whilst you and DH slope off to the pub, I don’t intend on doing that again ever!’

If they invite you to theirs, either say the same thing or say, ‘I’ll come if you and DH are cooking and not Sloping off to the pub’.

Time to say how you feel. I certainly wouldn’t agree to any more of these meals.

DriftingLeaves · 08/11/2019 09:57

100% a DH problem. He needs to grow a pair.

RegretnaGreen · 08/11/2019 09:57

As soon as they leave for the pub get a takeaway and have it all cleared away by the time they get home. When they ask where the food is, say you have put in as much effort as they have. Let them go hungry. That would stop the wanky 'tradition'. Tradition my arse!

WorraLiberty · 08/11/2019 09:59

I spoke to DH about it and why he goes along with it and he says he finds it hard being out on the spot like that to say no. It would seem rude

Hahaha! I was just laughing at that ^^ when you wrote this little nugget ....

(DH) he did say he would much prefer to stay in, he likes seeing the Dc and cooking etc (he usually makes the big meals). However it is always the other DH who asks / assumes that is what is happening, not mine.

Seriously, have a word with yourself and with your 'D'H.

There's no point in telling Mumsnet about it. Talk to him and let him know in no uncertain terms, that you're not falling for his bullshit any longer.

If he didn't want to go to the pub, he wouldn't. It's that simple.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 08/11/2019 09:59

Another DH problem. He doesn't like to say no to the Bil as it might appear rude? But happy to leave you to it all afternoon?

He could say No, he is a grown adult after all - he is choosing not to.

Bluntness100 · 08/11/2019 10:00

It wouldn't be a problem if your Dh said no

Exactly. It's not just the other guys fault for asking. It's the ops husbands for saying yes and toddling off. And then pretending he'd rather not when questioned about it.

Aye. I'm sure he's gutted.🤣

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 08/11/2019 10:06

100% a DH problem. He needs to grow a pair.

True, but it's not just DH. OP, DH and SIL all need to stand up to this sexist knob. Just say "you went to the pub last time, it's our turn". No arguments, just go. If DH and BIL truly find they can't cope with looking after the kids and cooking dinner, then BIL will hopefully realise what a twat he's been and stop buggering off to the pub. If it goes fine, then you can alternate. Win-win!

AlexaAmbidextra · 08/11/2019 10:07

So it would seem rude to say no but he doesn’t think it’s rude to fuck off for hours while everyone else sits at home? Selfish fucker. He just wants to opt out of any of the work involved in family life, I’d go out first next time and leave him to it,

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 08/11/2019 10:08

I'm genuinely at the posters who think this is fine and wouldn't see an issue!

fedup21 · 08/11/2019 10:09

It’s not decades of the brother in law’s family traditions is it? It’s your DH’s family, not his!!

He could easily say no!

magicautumnalhues · 08/11/2019 10:11

yanbu - either you and your SIL sod off, or get your DH to say no, sounds like a tradition in need of some updating!

CandiceSucksCandy · 08/11/2019 10:11

I don't see why your DH can't say 'pub? Well we went last time so it's the DWs turn today'
Or 'got too much to organise here, sorry. Massive dinner and kids to help sort'

AryaStarkWolf · 08/11/2019 10:12

I would definitely grab the sister next time and go off to the pub, give the selfish fucker a shock and a taste of his own medicine. In regards to your husband, by saying yes every time he's being rude to you, is that preferable to him?

AryaStarkWolf · 08/11/2019 10:13

Isn't it every family's 'tradition' that the men piss off at every opportunity and expect the women to do all the work?

Nope, not in mine or my husbands, thankfully

lottiegarbanzo · 08/11/2019 10:16

Your DH needs to take on responsibility for cooking the dinner. Simple.

Why don't you answer the door? Welcome them in and offer them drinks.

If anyone challenges, your DH needs to speak up and be blunt. Tell them it's not fair on you to leave you and SIL with cooking AND hosting AND care of small DCs to do.

Honestly, it's one thing doing this when all the guests are adults and the people at home can have a chat and a glass of wine while cooking. It's completely another when there are small DCs to look after.

If any adult goes out, they need to take the DCs with them - go to the park or something.

Set your own traditions. Your family, your traditions. You're experiencing inter-generational bullying - behaviours directly passed on from former generations of selfish men.

WorraLiberty · 08/11/2019 10:16

Isn't it every family's 'tradition' that the men piss off at every opportunity and expect the women to do all the work?

Jesus, no. Why would it be?

It never has been in my family and never will be.

ThomasRichard · 08/11/2019 10:19

Your DH needs to get in there first. Through the door, “Kids! Get your shoes and coats on, Daddy and Uncle Orangeblossom are taking you to the park!” Kids go mental, he hustles them and your BIL out of the door and you and SIL have some peace and quiet for a few hours. Sorted.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/11/2019 10:20

And do not 'grab SIL' and go out. Unless agreed with her in advance, you'd be putting her in an awkward position, which would be very rude.

Your DH is the one who needs to quash this 'tradition', not you.

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