To get the absolute RAGE at posters who say 'DH says'

[Grobagsforever]

Reading a thread about whether poster is being unreasonable about petrol costs. Someone comes along 'DH has worked out the cost and it is...'

This happens ALL THE TIME on Mumsnet. They post as if DH is some kind of oracle. ON ANY ISSUE. They never explain why DH has superior knowledge e.g this DH can multiply 45 pence per mile by 300 better than anyone else..

Not TAT that is just an example

@Newbie1981 fair point it's a twee expression. It's actually 'makes me fucking incandescent'.

HTH

Sometimes I repeat his opinion and start with "DH says..." because its his opinion, not because I'm deferring to him.

YANBU. Through having DC I’ve met a lot of women from different walks of life who totally and utterly defer to their husband on all things. It was like I’d stepped back into the 1950s. Random but totally typical example of everyday interaction:

me: I have some unopened in-date boxes of powdered formula which I don’t need would you like it (for free) for your (younger) DC?
Friend: I’ll ask DH.

*just to clarify the friends DH worked out of home 50 hours a week and had absolutely nothing to do with his DC feeding. The formula was the same brand as what the DC drank

I don’t really notice this and if I do I don’t interpret it it as Voice of Male Authority.

If I’m on an interesting thread I might discuss it with DH and if he says something I hadn’t thought of, or disagrees with me in an interesting way I think relevant to the discussion then I’ll say “DH thinks” because it’s an alternative perspective and for context that’s where it came from (and the fact that it’s from a man is often relevant if it’s a social/relationships thing). No more or less likely to be valid or of interest to the thread than my own thoughts, as two random human beings. (Unless it’s a thread about something specifically feminine: that would be weird). It would seem a bit weird to me to take his point and just present it as my own with no “credit”. Even if I think it’s brilliant and adopt it completely.

I got the rage when I saw that last night too OP! Such sexist bullshit.

@TheyMostlyComeOutAtNightMostly - I think 'DH thinks' is fine, as 'thinks' is far less authoritative than 'says'.

@user1374384 glad it's not just me!

DH is the only adult I live with and so the only person I can discuss MN things with. Therefore sometimes his opinion gets posted as as sort of 241 deal (here's mine AND his)! It may change as the DC age and become insightful (hahaha)

Sometimes I think people add 'DH says..." when it's their own opinion as they think it adds gravitas. Why attribute anything? It's an anonymous forum. 🤷

It always makes me think of this

I know what you mean and it’s sometimes annoying sometimes not. I find people answering questions about jobs or money with their DH’s circumstances often more annoying.

So OP - I’ve been offered a promotion with additional line management responsibilities and travel but they want me to keep running some of my current projects [etc]..

Poster: DH took a promotion blah blah

If someone is looking for quite nuanced advice about office politics or work juggling it’s not really helpful or relevant that you live with someone with a similar job.

Yes OP! Some posters are wilfully misunderstanding your point. Nobody has an issue with anyone saying 'DH says' if it's a specific question which is relevant to their field of expertise! The issue is when posters use 'DH says' about a general topic/garnering of opinion, as if it holds more gravitas than a mere woman saying it. Oh, well, if some Very Important Man thinks that, I suppose that's all of us told then, case closed! It is infuriating.

DH says YABU

That made me laugh .

The older women I used to work with said this a lot and often used it to say something bigoted, stupid or racist. If people listening were outraged-they retort with, ‘well, I don’t think that obviously, it’s DH’ but if nobody did object, they piled in with their own racist views as well.

I ask DP because hes the live equivalent of a walking calculator. I am not going to waste time and effort working g out .45 x 300 if hes sitting next to me

I can't say I've ever seen this happening "all the time" or even often.

I can't ask DH if this is true as I don't have one.

Nah. I read it as 'the other adult here with me says...', and for most of us it's a man.

It's just a second opinion, a voice of agreement or dissent. I never hear it as 'a superior being has spoken'.

I’ve done this before but only when asked something (I think it was about living room paints, dp is in the trade so asked and gave his explanation). So if the DH is technical and the question is seeking information, fine.

When it’s looking for opinions and the poster can’t have her own opinion without “DH says” it does read as “I can’t / I’m not allowed to form my own opinion as I’ve been conditioned to never think for myself so here’s his”

I’m with you. It’s fine when it’s relevant, but often it’s not and it’s just ‘so?’ Who cares what your ‘DH ‘says, don’t you have your own opinion?

Fine/Good/Great when he has some specific knowledge, but your DH’s ‘opinion’ on the weather, cheese, wedding invitations or whatever isnt relevant and surely you have your own opinion.

I've posted an opinion of my husband's not because I think he knows better or I always defer to him. I thought it would be genuinely useful to the OP to get another perspective.

Mumsnet has 100s of 1000s of posters from all over the world.

You post here - you get a zillion different perspectives.

Why would what someone's completely random DH think, add any possible value to the mix?

OP - YANBU. I saw the post you mention in your OP and thought exactly the same. I find it so cringey.

DP is way better at maths than me (and taxes, budgets... anything numbers tbh)

I'm better with words and general knowledge. He often says "Lemon says that..."

Don't take it so personally

I ask DP because hes the live equivalent of a walking calculator. I am not going to waste time and effort working g out .45 x 300 if hes sitting next to me

But think how much better you’d feel if you worked it out yourself. Mental Maths is surprisingly easy and fun.

.45 is practically half so 150. And .45/.50 is the same as 45/50 is 9/10 so that is just subtracting 1/10 (ie. 15) from 150.

I doubt your DH is cleverer than you. He’s just had more practice and been asked more often.

But by that logic why the hell would the OP care about my opinion OneTwoThreeDoeRayMe? I’m just some random on the internet. What possible value would my, or your, opinion add?

God I hate this.
No one fucking cares what your DH thinks!

Posts about "getting the rage' are more annoying