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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to want to scream- husband thinks my hobby is “deeply unattractive”

540 replies

DimensionalShambler · 07/11/2019 22:52

It’s cold and rainy and all day I was looking forward to starting a new knitting project. After dinner I settled down with my wool and needles and and my husband started with the sighing. After the usual rigmarole I dragged it out of him… seeing me knit is “deeply unattractive”, it’s for sexless, boring, tedious women and he hates seeing my projects laying around because it’s a “stringy depressing mess” and I should find something more interesting to do with my time.

I’m absolutely furious at the sexism and stupidity but also really sad because I love knitting- it’s cozy and peaceful and meditative. But now it’s ruined.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
25
The80sweregreat · 09/11/2019 15:02

His being unreasonable. I'd love to be able to knit. DS2 can and although it's not perfect it's nice seeing him wearing a hat that's home made and different to a shop bought one.
Not sure why his so upset about it? He Sounds very childish. I'm hopeless at crafty things.

Burnshersmurfs · 09/11/2019 16:01

thanks for some excellent tips- have been on revelry and am now the proud owner of beowulf and fuck the patriarchy patterns. My sock drawer will be revolutionised when I finally finish the bloody cardigan I've been going at for two years

EL2019 · 09/11/2019 16:39

I knitted a hand grenade once for someone who teaches archeology. The pin even comes out. Is that sexy enough do you think?

... to want to scream- husband thinks my hobby is “deeply unattractive”
DC3dilemma · 09/11/2019 16:51

@DimensionalShambler

You know what’s deeply unattractive:

Sucking the joy out of someone else’s life
Sucking the joy out of someone’s enjoyment of an activity, memory or experience
Behaving as though someone only exists to be attractive to you
Behaving as though you are the centre of the universe and other people accessorise you; their choices reflect on you rather than them as an individual

This guy needs a serious wake up call, because the unconscious biases that left him feeling entitled to speak to you in this way, are more serious and more pervasive than being about a bit of knitting. What an arsehole.

DC3dilemma · 09/11/2019 16:54

@Creepster

Men who view themselves as the consumer and women as the product don't think they need to be attractive once they have made their selection.

Truest thing I’ve ever read on mumsnet.

I think there’s an element of truth in this in almost every heterosexual relationship.

Cocoschaos · 09/11/2019 17:27

Tell him you were really looking forward to knitting him a super sexy willy warmer. I'd just wind him up about it tbh and ignore his comments. If you enjoy knitting, you go for it! I wish I could knit!!
Maybe he needs a hobby of his own.

cloudspotter · 09/11/2019 17:28

Others have beaten me to it on many levels. But the fact that he feels able to be so nasty hints at major disfunction.

It's contempt if he is reacting that strongly to something so innocuous.

What does he want you to do - take up stripping? Confused

youcantchoosethem · 09/11/2019 17:32

Dilkhush that’s brilliant! As a mathematician and a knitter it’s fascinating to see the link and yes it is very much to do with patterns and expansion.

OP - keep doing the knitting as per other PP he is a selfish uneducated old fashioned dick! Keep knitting and be proud! Flowers

Finonia · 09/11/2019 17:39

OP I think we are married to the same man!! I took up knitting about 10 years ago and he too came out with “that’s really unattractive” I thought he was joking but no, deadly serious. He also loves a good war documentary and salvage hunters.... but definitely not cycling, he hates cyclists as much as knitting!

lazylinguist · 09/11/2019 17:45

there's a stark difference between this thread and threads about DPs whose hobby is gaming...

Most of the MN threads where the woman is complaining about her gamer dp are about him sitting for hours on the XBox while she does everything around the house and looks after the dc. That is not what this thread is about. Do you get the impression the OP's husband is the type to be running himself ragged with the housework while the OP sits on her arse with a beer and her knitting needles? Because I really really don't.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 09/11/2019 17:55

I miss knitting socks (and my husband loved it when I could make him lovely socks in elaborate patterns (using self-patterning wool, but he never knew that!)). Unfortunately I developed quite a severe wool allergy and I also can't use alpaca or cashmere, so that was the end of my sock knitting. I had to change jobs too, since I was a seller of knitting yarns and supplies!

Now I mostly sew and my husband doesn't comment except to ask what I'm making.

I'm enjoying the thought that KnitPro Karbonz dpn's are made from carbon fibre and have very strong, sharp brass tips. Not that I condone violence or anything, but I reckon it's fine to just enjoy the thought.

Motoko · 09/11/2019 17:56

I don't think OP's coming back. I don't think she expected to have lots of people tell her that it was indicative of deeper problems in the marriage.

Anonmummyoftwo · 09/11/2019 17:58

You can come live with me. Id love to learn how to knit.

StanleySteamer · 09/11/2019 17:59

My wife knits, almost all the time, for friends, for me, for relations for godchildren, and when she isn't knitting she is doing patchwork, and when she isn't doing patchwork, she is doing cross-stitch, and now she says she is going on a course to learn crotchet! She knits in front of the telly, in the car when she isn't driving, she cannot sit still and do nothing.

And I love it! She gets to meet all sorts of people at her knitting circle and her patchwork lessons. I also have hobbies but they involve going out to a cold garage or using DIY tools, making a mess, and a noise, so in the evenings I watch the telly with her and read, or do crosswords or, until recently work on the book I was writing. I do not think it is unsexy at all, in fact quite the opposite. and I am bloody impressed by how she does it, everything she does is a massive success and looks brilliant. She makes no annoying noises doing it even when she has to count stitches or whatever it is, I find it endearing. And sometimes she makes a cock-up and swears about it just like a man who has hit himself with a hammer. So I sympathise and make her tea or get her a G and tea! What would your DH rather you did, pole dance in front of him, in the way of the TV? Go out every night and come back drunk smelling of cheap aftershave? At least he knows where you are!

Shell4429 · 09/11/2019 17:59

I am obsessed with crochet. I would rather get rid of the man personally.

ButtonandPickle19 · 09/11/2019 18:01

Unpopular opinion but I can sort of understand what he means...
we make associations in our lives with things. for instance, my mum has a Seat Leon growing up so when I met a man who drove one I thought of it as a middle aged girly car.

The last person he probably had in his life who knitted was probably his mum or his nan. Not a sexy association so probably a bit of a turn off.

Nothing wrong with knitting but he probably just has a less than “sexy” association with it and sees it as living with his nan

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 09/11/2019 18:01

I would love to be able to crochet, but I just end up with what I can only describe as finger spaghetti. I can knit very well, but I just get my fingers in a jumble with crochet.

MerryDeath · 09/11/2019 18:03

what a dick.

when i learnt to knit my partner made me a swift as his hobby is woodworking - that's how it should be! what are his hobbies? i'd give it right back to him with both barrels.

Heronwatcher · 09/11/2019 18:08

He’s not got a problem with knitting OP he’s got a problem with me. Sad to say but it sounds as though he just doesn’t like you very much, let alone respect you. I think you sound very nice, much too nice to waste any more time with someone so cruel and selfish.

lazylinguist · 09/11/2019 18:12

Nothing wrong with knitting but he probably just has a less than “sexy” association with it and sees it as living with his nan

Yes, he can think what he likes, but he should at least recognise his ridiculous stereotyping and stfu instead of trying to ruin his wife's hobby. The fact that he doesn't shows what kind of a man he is.

LurkerMortificado · 09/11/2019 18:17

I quite enjoy doing a jigsaw - it's not really edgy is it.
I suppose that depends on what part of the jigsaw you are working on.

OP I'm mid 20s, I'm certainly not sexless and while I can't knit I can and do crochet, cross stich, and embroidery. Have what I think is my first ever LTB, I don't have any words that other people haven't already used to describe him.
My grandad and uncles all knitted as they were a navy family and it was pretty much expected for them to be able to.
Also regardless of how anyone MAY perceive this sort of hobby the fact is it is good for you. I spoke to my physiatrist recently who was over the moon that I craft and said he would prescribe it to people if he could as it is so good for mental health.

housebuyingistheworst · 09/11/2019 18:20

I believe WH Smith were selling "Make your own will kit" last Christmas. Maybe this year they also have "apply for divorce" kit. I assume your husband would find you dusting the house in a sexy maid's costume more attractive, if you want to stay.

Zipperdidoodaa · 09/11/2019 18:37

StanleySteamer - you sound like a truly lovely man.
Op - knitting is a skill and your dh should be proud of you.

I know where the sharp end of my knitting needle would be aimed!

IckleWicklePumperNickle · 09/11/2019 18:38

Wow all my craft stuff are unattractive, the newest glass bead making. My encourage them all and I encourage all his. He loves watching me spin wool and patiently watch me show off my fat silkworms I rear for silk.

Your DH is being a DICK!!!

IckleWicklePumperNickle · 09/11/2019 18:39

*DH
and I'm in my 30's