Has anyone ever been to a “bad0 funeral

[Iamnotagoddess]

Discussing with a friend who is supporting another friend who has had a close relative die suddenly.

Didn’t want to go to Co-Op felt it was too “cheap” and have gone elsewhere and are spending 8k.

She cannot afford it.

Does it actually make any difference?

I can’t remember going to a funeral and thinking the funeral was shit other than the obvious actual shitness of it.

I went to one of uncles funeral who was a Jehovah's Witness it was the worst funeral ever! It was more like an indoctrination.
The guy was awful as well, saying things like my uncle has been ill many times but he didn't bounce back his time! Plus with all the religion stuff I didn't know whether to laugh or walk out. Even his daughter was like wtf!

Hmmmm. Bad funerals.

I’ve been to many different kinds, but the only one I could class as ‘bad’ was that of a young police officer, killed in a traffic incident. Entirely tragic. Worst of all was that I was surrounded by young men (his friends and academy classmates) who I realised halfway through had never been to a funeral before. They were overwhelmed and completely beside themselves. Due to how packed the chapel was, many of them had no idea that the body was in a coffin up the front, until it was carried out past them. When they realised, the choked sobbing was horrendous. I was only a few scant years older than them, but way more experienced in funerals. I found myself trying to hold up all these huge muscly guys who were crying like little boys. I’ll never forget that feeling of not having enough arms (or tissues).

The Co-op are perfectly fine. We used them for my Dad's funeral, and they were lovely. It was small and I wrote and delivered the eulogy. Exactly as Dad wanted (and had requested).

I went to one where the father of the girl who died was a politician, and the funeral was attended by lots of his political colleagues. Some of them were aggressively pushing for votes from mourners. It was really sickening.

But no, I’ve never thought “they could have spent more on sandwiches” or whatnot.

We had a Co-op funeral for my late DM about 5 years ago, she was a great supporter of the Coop, (and would have been tickled pink) - I still remember her ‘divi’ number and as a Coop member too they gave me a small discount!
It was very reasonable in price, a burial as she had already paid for a double plot in her town cemetery when my DF died.
The coop arranged a celebrant who visited before the funeral, made copious notes about her and spoke beautifully at the ceremony, which was held in a small chapel at the burial ground, opened up expressly for us.
We decorated it with flowers ourselves. I think it was a nice service, simple but personal. The chapel was 50 yards or so from the grave so we all walked behind the coffin for the interment.
The saddest thing was, at the age of 90 and after 10 years of dementia most of DM’s friends had died or fallen by the wayside. Our family is small too so there was only us and a few of her old neighbours there - about 15 people. She used to have loads of friends.
But the Co-op were very good.

Cardboard box for me.

Not too keen on that embalming malarkey either. Just freeze me, thaw me out on the day or not, who cares and then either burn me or bung me in the ground.

I've been to bad funerals, but those were the ones where the celebrant had clearly never met the deceased, or where only 6 people turned up. The very best one was when there were actually about 6 or 7 priests and they all clearly knew and liked the person who had died. They added all the bells and whistles in terms of chanting and ritual and it was beautiful. Bugger all to do with the cost though.

I have quite fixed ideas about what I would like for my own funeral, and a cardboard box is fine since nobody will be going above me (husband will get something more solid if he dies first, so the gravedigger doesn't get a nasty shock!). I would like a full-on Catholic Mass, with chanting. I may not get what I want, but since I will be dead it is unlikely to trouble me. I would be very angry at the thought of my sons putting themselves into debt to bury me.

I really don't think you can have a shit funeral can you? Has anyone ever gone to one and thought, oh they didn't spend enough on this?

I've gone for straight to cremation. If they follow my orders the only thing they'll need is a firework to send me off into the night sky!

Actually I've remembered another kind of bad funeral. I went to one years ago and the deceased was very tall. The gravediggers knew this, but somehow still managed to make the hole too short for the coffin. This only became apparent when they tried to lower the coffin into the ground and it wouldn't fit. The widow was already both devastated and terminally ill herself, and this just made it all worse.

It’s not the company it’s the people arranging.......and unfortunately the woman at the co op nearly wrecked my dp’s dads by giving so much incorrect information.......luckily we stood firm (but polite) and sorted out her mess (nearly ended up with no music and dsil not seeing her dad before the day)

The bad funeral I went to was bad because it put the emphasis in the wrong place - on god rather than my friend who had died. The main aim seemed to be to indoctrinate rather than celebrate her life. Nothing to do with cost.

My DP is adamant that he wants his funeral to be by the co-op. Where we live the main undertakers are the co-op and a local chain that my DP knows through staff does not do things right back of house.
I have been to lots of funerals. If the person who has died has specific requests about the type of coffin, service or headstone, then they should be respected.
But as someone who has attended many funerals what matters is that the service reflects who the person actually was. A religious service if very religious, but not if not. Not pretending they were a wonderful person if they were not, but talking nicely about who they actually were. And a decent celebrant. And making sure everyone knows about the funeral. I have found it lovely with older relatives to meet people I never knew that turned up. So at my grans funeral a couple of women from her local hairdressers that she had went to for years came. I would have never thought to specifically invite them. With elderly people I do think a bereavement notice in the local paper is a good idea.

Then a decent do afterwards. Everyone should be invited, if money is short provide tea and sandwiches at your house, but invite everyone.

Nicest coffin I ever saw was a wicker one threaded with flowers. Most personal one, a cardboard coffin decorated by the womans still very young children.

Direct cremation and a Nandos for me.
Never been to a bad funeral though.

Two horrid funerals a that stayed with me.

1st beloved friend, Dr who spent his life devoted to people, volunteering annually in conflict zones, gave away 25% of his salary. Was a Christian but never in your face. Dropped dead age 40. Three young children. Barely anything said about him, colleagues and patients who wanted to say something given no chance. 500 in attendance for funeral. Minister spoke about how he w oh so want people to get on their knees and proclaim Jesus is Lord and be saved. No, he would want those who lost him comforted, and given the chance to hear about his life and share. It was so awkward and painful. Turned so many people off religion. It was like this person didn’t exist and it was about conversion. Just awful.

Second friend who was murdered by husband. Non-Christian religion, and their religious leader told everyone it was God’s plan for her. No one should question or cry. This is what God wanted for her life. Sickening.

I suppose if there are people who consider the amount you spend on a funeral to be important, there will always be people willing to supply these added extras!

I can partly see why a ‘chain’ would be considered a less desirable option for some, as it could feel like a it of a conveyor belt perhaps? And that you’re just a number. I feel like an independent one would be seen as more desirable. I assume that would come at a cost however.

Also personally I would absolutely hate a religious ceremony. I’d hate the atheist ‘guests’ 😳or mourners at my funeral to have to sit through the whole focus on religion and god etc...

Muppet My cousin is a funeral director and doesn't charge for children. Not sure if that includes very fancy funerals though.

The worst, but in its own way, funny funeral I went to was that of my elderly neighbour.
She was at home rather than in a funeral parlour prior to her being taken to church.
The pallbearers literally threw her coffin into the back of the hearse and we were off like something out of the wacky races!
No walking somberly in front of the car until the end of the road, no, we were off!
I'm sure the hearse broke all speed limits!
Out of the car and into church where a drunk vicar was waiting. Yes seriously. After saying his piece if was back in the cars to the cemetery, again at breakneck speed.
It was very windy and one of the deceased daughters was caught by a strong gust, which knocked her into the other daughter who landed on her back in the mud. She had a hat on which landed down the hole on her mum's coffin.
The wake was held at a local pub where upon entering, her son went to the jukebox and put on Going Underground by The Jam.
A few drinks in and the arguments started, culminating in the other son being smacked over the head with a large tray of sandwiches.
There were no flowers or eulogies, just breakneck speeds and a slurring vicar.
It was a small independent funeral directors who were like something out of a Dave Allen comedy sketch!

Both my parents had a co-op funeral and we had no complaints, my mum died 28 years ago my dad 25 years and I seem to remember the cost was about £1600 they were both cremated so £8000 does seem rather a lot, I would say it obviously makes the relative who is organising the send off better not to count the cost, but seriously don’t get into debt for it I’m sure the deceased person wouldn’t want that.

I've been to long, Catholic mass in Latin funerals where the chapel was unheated while the snow fell outside. Grim. Never notice the cars or flowers really.

I loved a Spiritualist service for a friend last year. Very lovely celebrant and service felt truly personal as she knew the deceased well.

Pretty much all our family funerals have great wakes, with sit down dinners and free bars. Scottish/Irish here too. We love a gathering.

My aunt's funeral wasn't great, but that was because it was obvious that the priest didn't really know her and was just coming out with platitudes. My mum and grandma were pretty angry because it was obvious he hadn't listened to anything they told him before the service. He got her profession wrong when talking about her, for instance.

We made up for it afterwards by having what was basically a party, celebrating her life, drinking her favourite wine and eating her favourite food. It felt like her birthday party, except she wasn't there. That part was exactly like she wanted it to be.

My family can do what they want with me when I go. Chuck me in the wheelie bin for all I care.
Just make sure it's as cheap as possible.

I have once thought that the person would of been horrified at where his wake was held. He was into designer clothes and expensive things and was all about his image and where the wake was held didnt portray that and I know he wouldnt of been happy, but me personally, no I couldnt care less where it is or what food there is etc. I'm there to show respect to the perosn who passed and their family

Oh and a funeral outside Edinburgh, as they lowered my large friend into the ground, the ropes snapped, coffin fell in vertically and bashed badly. We were all herded back into the church while they sorted it out. After half an hour of cobbled together hymns, out we went for round two and friends coffin started ringing. He'd been buried with his mobile at his request. It was an old phone I'd given him, he never changed the ring tone and so was lowered, once more, to the tune of Who Let the Dogs Out.

He would have bloody loved his funeral.