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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL will never take no for an answer

122 replies

Foalma19 · 06/11/2019 15:20

MIL lives a few hundred miles away and visits every couple of months for a week at a time. (It's too long for me really!). Visits are always instigated by her and at times that suit her. Occasionally we have to say that certain dates don't suit us but it never goes down well. She will always push back and give reasons why she can come anyway, or try to make my DH feel guilty.

We generally let her visit when she wants unless we have other things going on. If we have plans that are taking us out of the house all weekend then it is pointless for her to come and stay. She is unable to accompany us to most of these things. If we went and left her at our house we would end up feeling that we had to hurry home to her. She would also end up trying to persuade us not to go,or pester us constantly to see when we would be back. So we tend to just say that it's not a good time for her to visit.

However, she just doesn't let up and it's really starting to get to me. She has decided that she wants to visit in a couple of weeks (we only saw her 2 weeks ago). DH has told her that it's not a good time as we have things going on and he may have to travel for work. She still won't stop pestering him about it. She just keeps coming back with ways to make it work.

We feel guilty about saying no but there's just no respect for us, or our wishes. She has decided she wants to visit and that's that. Whatever reason we give she bats it back. This happens every single time we are not available on the dates she decides. If we suggest other dates that do work for us she will say that she has other plans. We are expected to make the dates she wants work, but she never tries to change her own plans to fit in with us.

As usual DH is ready to relent and let her come, which always bloody happens. So AIBU to insist that this time no really does mean no?

OP posts:

positivepixie · 06/11/2019 15:24

YANBU. Either DH needs to just tell her that she will not be coming if it doesn't work for you - or, if it comes to it, I would absolutely be prepared to tell her myself even if it meant falling out - you can't carry on like that.

Howlovely · 06/11/2019 16:12

Absolutely not. It's already gone on far too long by the sound of it. She is not the boss and it's bad enough that she is inviting herself to stay with you. If she really won't take no for an answer after you've made it clear you won't be there then don't be there when she arrives. It might be the only way you can get her to listen. You cannot be held hostage by her plans for goodness sake!

Original poster

Foalma19 · 06/11/2019 16:14

Thanks I'm glad you both agree with me. DH keeps saying that he feels guilty since he is not a "bad person". MIL keeps changing tack to try and manipulate him into giving him. When he ignores her she then starts on me. But I am stubborn and do not like being manipulated.

OP posts:

RiggedUpSquare · 06/11/2019 16:20

She's not respecting that you have commitments and plans. It's only her convenience that matters.

I'd be a bit more blunt. Send a short factual message, and repeat it (copy paste, word for word in person) if needed. "MIL we love your visits. It is difficult to accommodate all your suggestions alongside other family stuff though. That date won't work for us. Let's review in a couple of weeks."
(Or whatever outcome you actually want! Decide and stick to it!)

Tbh your DH hasn't helped here. She's being selfish and petulant. Like a child who's learning that if they demand cookies then it'll be a refusal three times but it'll be granted if they push and demand a fourth time. Your MIL has learned that "no, doesn't work" doesn't actually mean no.

Howyiz · 06/11/2019 16:23

A simple 'no, I have already said it doesn't suit' on repeat.
If your DH always backs down I would step in and tell your mil that it is not happening. By constantly giving in you are teaching her that her pestering works.

Chamomileteaplease · 06/11/2019 16:23

It's nothing to do with being a bad person it's to do with protecting your family space and listening to your wife's wishes!

A week at a time? God, no. Every couple of months? That sounds so awful and so difficult.

Why are you giving her reasons? Just say it isnt' a good time. Don't tell her why. Just say no. But you have to get your dh on board so that he genuinely knows in his heart that this is an ok thing to do. It is setting boundaries and protecting you all. Is he more worried about upsetting her , or upsetting you?

I hope he can listen to you. You probably won't ever change the MIL but that doesn't matter if you both stand firm.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 06/11/2019 16:24

You are so NOT being unreasonable! This would drive me doolally!

You should not feel guilty about saying no. She certainly doesn't feel guilty about pestering you. Your DH needs to present a firm "No mum, you cannot come on X date as it's not convenient and I will not discuss this further". Then, if she continues to text, just ignore. If she calls, it's the old MN favourite "sorry that doesn't work for us, now is there anything else you want to discuss? If not I have to be going, bye!" All the time he gives in she knows that all she has to do is keep on until she wears him down. Don't reward her bad behaviour.

PS. You're a saint for putting her up for a week at a time every month or so!

Original poster

Foalma19 · 06/11/2019 16:25

You are right she has learned that if she keeps pushing DH will give in.
She was the same when we were having serious marriage problems and I asked her not to visit at a certain time. She ignored me and insisted to DH that she would be coming anyway. He hasn't been very good at saying no to her.

OP posts:

Hadalifeonce · 06/11/2019 16:26

How far is a few hundred miles?

DH has a 3 night maximum for everybody, no matter how far they travel; our families are about 150 miles away.

Your DH has to find his inner strength and keep repeating that it doesn't work. He has nothing to feel guilty about, his mother is being selfish and unreasonable.

Drum2018 · 06/11/2019 16:28

Your Dh needs to say 'no, that won't suit us', without getting into reasons or excuses. No means no and she needs to learn that. If he gives reasons then that gives her an opening to create a compromise or manipulate him into changing your plans. A firm no doesn't give her any leeway. If he can't man up to her then you feel free to be the bad guy and just say no. If he gives in then that weekend would be the perfect opportunity for you go visit someone, anyone, anywhere, and let him deal with her and entertain her. It might make him stop giving in to her.

Original poster

Foalma19 · 06/11/2019 16:29

Truth be told I cannot stand her visits and feel she outstays her welcome by staying so long. Which is why I always wonder if I'm being unreasonable to say no when I do.

Personally, I am a bit puzzled as to how she has such a thick skin. She has been told at least 3 times now that the dates she wants are not convenient. If it was me I'd be embarrassed to keep asking as I'd suspect that I wasn't wanted. She just doesn't care!

OP posts:

Original poster

Foalma19 · 06/11/2019 16:31

She lives about 250 miles away. I've asked DH to limit the length of time she stays but he won't.

OP posts:

Motoko · 06/11/2019 16:31

He's not being a bad person for saying no, but she's being a bad mother for trying to manipulate her son and make him feel guilty, simply because she can't get her own way.

Put your foot down, even if it causes WW3, because you can't live as her prisoner all your life.

AryaStarkWolf · 06/11/2019 16:33

YANBU, a week at a time. I would hate that

nibdedibble · 06/11/2019 16:36

Has she got something going on back home that means she needs to be out of the house on those dates, and you are a convenient (for her) hotel? House redecoration or repairs?

If your DH might be away and you'll be left alone with her and the dc, well....NO.

billy1966 · 06/11/2019 16:36

OP, she doesn't care whether it suits you or not.
She has learnt that pester power works.

You obviously have a husband problem.

Tell him No.
Tell her No.
Tell him you are preparing to fall out over it, which will really have consequences.
Tell her you are preparing to fall out with her if she continues to behave in this manner.

Tell your husband NOT to bring it up again.

And mean it.

You are being nagged.

Time to show them both that you will not be nagged and you mean business.

Also it is a good time to tell her 3 days max.
If that doesn't work for her so be it.

You are being bullied by them both.

Only you can put a stop to it.

💐

Motoko · 06/11/2019 16:37

Then you need to limit the amount of time she stays. Your husband is not respecting your wishes.

Get him to read the book Toxic Parents, by Susan Forward. He needs to learn that boundaries are healthy, not something to feel guilty about.

Londonmummy66 · 06/11/2019 16:37

The thing that jumped out at me is that DH may not even be there but he's still pressuring you to let her come. Just no. "DH unless you can 100% be here for the whole visit then you have absolutely no say in whether she can come or not." and repeat....

Hooferdoofer37 · 06/11/2019 16:37

Tell her & your DH that in today's society we need to enforce the "No means no" rule. You never want your DC to grow up believing that "no" might mean "yes".

You've told her no, so that is the answer.

If she doesn't respect that it shows her in a very bad light & is not the type of behaviour you would ever endorse as it blurs the boundaries for your DC.

She has been told no, so she definitely cannot visit.

Original poster

Foalma19 · 06/11/2019 16:43

She doesn't have anything going on at home no. She arranges visits to us around when she can get time off from her part time job and around visits to her home country. But she doesn't seem to understand (or care) that we have our own considerations. And it's really bloody annoying coming home from a day at work to someone who then expects food and entertaining.

I think i will speak to DH about us no longer giving her the reasons when it's not convenient for her to stay. Because she always looks for workarounds - which we don't want! Sometimes it's a gentle attempt to say we don't actually want her to visit at that time. But she has such a thick skin it doesn't sink in.

OP posts:

fedup21 · 06/11/2019 16:46

As usual DH is ready to relent and let her come

Well, that’s why she does it then!

It’s him you need to speak to.

savingshoes · 06/11/2019 16:56

Next visit date, take annual leave and take the children away.
She can visit the house and DH and you get respite.
Maybe visit your DH's relatives in her home country.

Belfield · 06/11/2019 17:13

Your MIL couldn't care less about whether it is inconvenient to you or not. Mine is the same. She does what she wants and everyone is expected to fit in. She will have conditioned your DH to believe that she is no 1 since he was a baby. Good luck trying to undo that!.

AlwaysCheddar · 06/11/2019 17:16

Your dh needs to grow a pair and be firm as she will nAg until he gives in.

julietcooper · 06/11/2019 17:17

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