MIL will never take no for an answer

[Foalma19]

MIL lives a few hundred miles away and visits every couple of months for a week at a time. (It's too long for me really!). Visits are always instigated by her and at times that suit her. Occasionally we have to say that certain dates don't suit us but it never goes down well. She will always push back and give reasons why she can come anyway, or try to make my DH feel guilty.

We generally let her visit when she wants unless we have other things going on. If we have plans that are taking us out of the house all weekend then it is pointless for her to come and stay. She is unable to accompany us to most of these things. If we went and left her at our house we would end up feeling that we had to hurry home to her. She would also end up trying to persuade us not to go,or pester us constantly to see when we would be back. So we tend to just say that it's not a good time for her to visit.

However, she just doesn't let up and it's really starting to get to me. She has decided that she wants to visit in a couple of weeks (we only saw her 2 weeks ago). DH has told her that it's not a good time as we have things going on and he may have to travel for work. She still won't stop pestering him about it. She just keeps coming back with ways to make it work.

We feel guilty about saying no but there's just no respect for us, or our wishes. She has decided she wants to visit and that's that. Whatever reason we give she bats it back. This happens every single time we are not available on the dates she decides. If we suggest other dates that do work for us she will say that she has other plans. We are expected to make the dates she wants work, but she never tries to change her own plans to fit in with us.

As usual DH is ready to relent and let her come, which always bloody happens. So AIBU to insist that this time no really does mean no?

I could have written your OP. Sometimes I can't be arsed with the MIL because I am under pressure at work, have a lot of commitments, yet she'll flexi book hotels under the guise that she can 'just cancel if its not convenient.' The trouble is, it's a fucking battle to get her to accept that we don't want a visit at her convenience at that point in time. She seems to think it's a challenge we're giving her, and that we secretly want to be talked out of it or something. It's taken me a few years but I've decided that 'No' is a complete sentence, and if she starts her shit we just no contact her till she gets the hint.

Tell DH what visits you are prepared to put up with. If she stays outside the boundaries you have set, then pack up and go away yourself. DH is not respecting your needs and if you don't deal with this now you will have it for life.

Think I'd be booking a hotel to make a point, a few goes of him dealing with her alone might toughen him up a bit.

DH is ready to relent.
And that’s the problem. She knows if she pushes hard enough then he will feel bad and give in. He needs to stop giving in.

God yes it sounds exactly the same ( though I wish mine would stay in a hotel!). Every excuse is meant with a counter. She claims she will arrive late on the Saturday we plan to be out. But that will still mean we have a deadline to be back and she will be wanting dinner as soon as she steps in the door.

The first time I met her I travelled via coach to her house. It took hours and I arrived frazzled and desperately wanted to freshen up etc. She insisted we go out for dinner the second I stepped over her threshold as she had almost starved waiting for me. I was so uncomfortable in my grimy travel clothes with no makeup etc. That should have given me a clue about her really.

I’d not be having this at all.

In fact, to be spiteful, I’d make myself more unavailable if my DH allowed this (which thankfully he wouldn’t!).

I’d never get home until late (having eaten out/gone to friends houses after work every day) . I’d be “busy” all weekend. In fact I’d actively avoid her.

If she complained I’d immediately quip “I did explain the dates didn’t suit”.

She is lonely and misses her son. Can he not visit on his own for a few days maybe twice a year? He should speak to her about it all. Just remember you will be in her position one day. You have been very good and kind to her just try some different ways to help her.?

No means absolutely nothing unless you stick to it. Like a toddler screaming for candy, when you relent the child knows that to get candy all they have to do is scream loud enough and long enough. The next time she sets up a week to come visit plan to be out of town. Tell her that. And let the chips fall where they may. You be miles away and she can learn a lesson. Playing the "nice guy" and falling for her pity party mean you are nothing but her doormat. Your husband needs to stand up to her. If he can't you will never win. INSIST this time or just consent to this madness. Either way you will have decided what you are willing to put up with.

@billy1966 hit the nail on the head.
You have already been accomodating and kind. Its not about being unkind its about not having visits imposed on you when its inconvenient.
@Foalma19 the "I'm not a bad person" excuse is such an old chestnut!!! He's making you the bad person.. the one who has to say its not convenient, whilst at the same time MIL completely ignores everything that you are saying. Its not a thick skin as you describe.

She wants what she wants whatever you say. She knows if she pushes, he will cave. Its bullying from both of them actually, festooned in large swathes of guilt.

I think you need to decide how many visits are acceptable/convenient and what is overstepping that line and be very clear to both of them. Don't apologise either if what you are asking is reasonable.

MIL is not lonely she has a husband and a very busy social life!

I’ve spoken to DH again and got the “She’s no spring chicken who knows how long she has left? I might regret not seeing her” line. That’s just made me more adamant! There’s no reason to think she won’t be around for another 20 years!

I would give her a calendar highlighting the dates she can visit in 2020.

My mil is similar, when my Pil call dh is the one to cater for and chat to them.

What's your setup at home
Do you have children
Do you have a busy social life yourself?

Presuming no ch and a social life. I'd book in as much as possible completely necessary events just for yourself that week. Make dh carry the brunt of entertaining his mum.
He sorts her room
He cooks that meal.

Have lots of work things on.
If you go out, turn your phone off, so there's no recall home calls.

Don't reward bad behaviour. If you give in when she pesters you then she'll keep doing it because she knows it works.

This is absolutely yet again a dh problem.

Why do women marry these spineless selfish men?!

It's YOUR home and life too, it's not just up to him and it's DEFINITELY not up to her!

Arrange a time/place to speak to dh in such a way as you make it very clear this bollocks WILL be stopping.

She is not welcome AT ALL unless it is convenient for BOTH of you.

The only way you have a chance of succeeding in stopping this if you make damn sure dh is more wary of upsetting you than upsetting her.

He starts emotional blackmail nonsense then tell him there's absolutely no reason he can't go see her if HE feels so guilty but that you won't be going with him and won't be giving in to nagging, bullying and emotional blackmail.

I'm not sure if you have dc yet or not but if not and you plan to you DEFINITELY need to sort this now, she is exactly the type that you'll never bloody get rid of once she's a grandmother if not.

She is lonely and misses her son.

Did you miss that she was visiting 2 weeks ago?

OP, you need to get very firm with your DH. There's nothing wrong with people visiting, but it has to work for everyone.

Tell him that if she visits, he needs to be there and looking after her 100%.

DH keeps saying that he feels guilty since he is not a "bad person".

^ This says a lot. It's nothing to do with being a bad person. It's completely normal to tell someone you can't do a certain date and to suggest another date. This is normal!

She’s no spring chicken who knows how long she has left?

^ More guilt tripping! You'd only torture yourself with this if you'd been programmed to think like this in the first place. If your DH wanted to, he could use the same line to convince you to see her every day! Heck! Why not move her in?!

You just have to keep saying no if you want to be respected on this. You could also try calling her on what she's doing. Eg.

What's going on here?
We've said we can't do that weekend.
No, sorry, that doesn't work for us.
No.

I might also suggest regular video calling. Or perhaps your DH could go to hers?

Ask a mate if you can stay over at their’s or Air B&B.

Let DH shoulder the (mental) load of hosting.

Op your sh7, yes your dh is choosing to put his dm needs above yours.

What if you decided enough was enough and you left him?
Perhaps his days are numbered with you too.
I adored my df but I could alai appreciate he was a difficult person and wouldn't thrust him on dh endlessly telling him... He may not last long.
. He's gone now and it was perfectly possibly to respect both df and dh. And to remember I had married a man and it wasn't fair to make him deeply unhappy just because df lonely.

You have a dh problem. He's easily manipulated and puts her first.

On this occassion i would tell him that you are going away that weekend if he agrees and you will make a point of going away or being busy on every other unwelcome visit where she intrudes.

I've not read all the posts but the first thing that jumps into my head is there a possibility that she's renting her house out on Airbnb?

She must a have a motive in her head to push to be visiting you on specific dates, in the absence of any special occasions I would wonder why?

You will also find that it's the domineering dm, who have sons that can't say no to them and nealry or do drive their wives away and have broken families in their wake.

What mother would want to raise sons who can't say no to them?

Also OP, the absolute bloody cheek of your husband to say "because I'm not a bad person". 😠 Really.

You really have a husband problem if he feels comfortable and confident in speaking to you in that manner.🙄
💐

Ha no her husband stays at home so she isn’t renting her house out.

We do have young children and full time jobs, lots of school events, work travel etc. Our lives are busy!

I bet your FIL is glad to see the back of her when she visits you .
A person with such a thick skin is not going to cave in easily . What exactly is the hold she has on DH ? Is it emotional ? In which case you have to give him an ultimatum.
Is it financial ? Does she have any hold on you at all ? Or is it cultural? If it’s rooted in good manners on his part she has none whatsoever. Sounds like the only way this will stop is a clean break with her till both of you decide to issue an invitation. Which may or may others be forthcoming.