Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL will never take no for an answer

122 replies

Foalma19 · 06/11/2019 15:20

MIL lives a few hundred miles away and visits every couple of months for a week at a time. (It's too long for me really!). Visits are always instigated by her and at times that suit her. Occasionally we have to say that certain dates don't suit us but it never goes down well. She will always push back and give reasons why she can come anyway, or try to make my DH feel guilty.

We generally let her visit when she wants unless we have other things going on. If we have plans that are taking us out of the house all weekend then it is pointless for her to come and stay. She is unable to accompany us to most of these things. If we went and left her at our house we would end up feeling that we had to hurry home to her. She would also end up trying to persuade us not to go,or pester us constantly to see when we would be back. So we tend to just say that it's not a good time for her to visit.

However, she just doesn't let up and it's really starting to get to me. She has decided that she wants to visit in a couple of weeks (we only saw her 2 weeks ago). DH has told her that it's not a good time as we have things going on and he may have to travel for work. She still won't stop pestering him about it. She just keeps coming back with ways to make it work.

We feel guilty about saying no but there's just no respect for us, or our wishes. She has decided she wants to visit and that's that. Whatever reason we give she bats it back. This happens every single time we are not available on the dates she decides. If we suggest other dates that do work for us she will say that she has other plans. We are expected to make the dates she wants work, but she never tries to change her own plans to fit in with us.

As usual DH is ready to relent and let her come, which always bloody happens. So AIBU to insist that this time no really does mean no?

OP posts:
mankyfourthtoe · 06/11/2019 19:08

Can you get her to babysit loads when she's there, might put her off.
Can you make where she stays less hospitable.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/11/2019 19:10

I’ve spoken to DH again and got the “She’s no spring chicken who knows how long she has left? I might regret not seeing her” line

He's not very original is he? Does he always speak in these silly cliches, or just about his DM?

Clearly he'll give in to whoever he's most afraid of upsetting, so in this situation I suggest you make sure that's you

Howyiz · 06/11/2019 19:17

So you ring her and you say no! Christ it isn't rocket science!

BatEaredFox · 06/11/2019 19:19

My friend's MIL did this. A lot.

She was awful and didn't listen to 'no' or 'those dates don't work for us.'

One weekend she showed up despite my friend (and her DH!) saying no. The MIL knocked on the door and my friend answered, and told her 'Like we said, it's not convenient for you to visit. Goodbye.'

And she shut.the.door.

I couldn't do that but my friend had just had enough, and luckily her DH backed her up.

It worked! She learnt that no meant no and is far more respectful of my friend now, it actually improved the relationship.

BananaBooBoo · 06/11/2019 19:19

mankyfourthtoe I was thinking the same. Say Mil it's so fantastic to have you here to mind the kids while I do XYZ. Also let her DH entertain her , theatre cinema meal out. Tell him keep her out of your hair!

BlackAudi · 06/11/2019 19:20

Tell him you're leaving that week to visit X friend 150 miles away for a week. Toodiloo!! 🙋

BananaBooBoo · 06/11/2019 19:20

Sorry your DH

Original poster
Foalma19 · 06/11/2019 19:21

She can’t babysit really as she ignores the kids and lets the kids roam the house and they are too young for that.

She has no financial hold on DH it’s all emotional. She almost died having him, was a single mum ( for a brief period ) etc. DH has been conditioned to feel guilty. His childhood sounds like one of slight neglect to me but he sees it as her struggling through all for him. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for her but some of the stuff DH see’s as her having no choice I see as her having made the choices that suited her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foalma19 · 06/11/2019 19:23

Howyiz the one time I did that as our marriage was on the brink of collapse she ignored me completely and came anyway.

OP posts:
TriciaH87 · 06/11/2019 19:23

You need to just come out and say no this doesn't work for us. Pushing us is not going to change it. You tell her a few dates during the year that suit you and say she can pick a couple of these but you are not being dictated to. Tell her how inconvenient it is especially when she's rushing you to come back etc.

Shinesweetfreedom · 06/11/2019 19:34

Well next time he says she might not have long left,yes dh and this marriage might not have long left either.

Chloemol · 06/11/2019 19:35

To be honest if he can’t get her to change the dates and she insists on coming then carry on with whatever you have planned and leave her at home. Don’t rush back, do whatever you are going to and leave her to it. Do that every single time she comes when it doesn’t suit

AskMeHow · 06/11/2019 19:40

Well next time he says she might not have long left,yes dh and this marriage might not have long left either

Grin
Graphista · 06/11/2019 19:44

Wow! Last thing you need is mil wanting waited on then!

You definitely need to put dh straight in no uncertain terms and her.

I'd go beyond saying "no it's not convenient" to "absolutely not and don't you dare darken my door that date!"

If she's that thick skinned you need to be super blunt.

Babybel90 · 06/11/2019 19:56

I think you need to stop giving excuses, she’s “objection handling” as they say in sales. If you just say no then she can’t counter that.

Likethebattle · 06/11/2019 21:26

Just No not convenient and change the subject. Also do as a op said and if she does turn up shut the door in her face!

Howlovely · 07/11/2019 06:46

She knows exactly how to get her own way, doesn't she? She's done a right number on your husband, making him feel guilty for all he sacrifices she made to have him? What a manipulative cow.
I liked a PP's suggestion of asking her, "What's going on here? We've said those dates aren't convenient, you don't seem to understand? We will not actually be at home on those dates so if you decide to come you will find an empty house". And stick to it, be out when she arrives. Otherwise you might have to be actively rude to her and make her feel like an inconvenience if your husband relents and lets her come. So be out a lot, largely ignore her, sigh, don't make her dinner or cups of tea or make her bedroom up, whatever other running around after her she has come to expect.
How anyone can behave like this is beyond me! To then expect to be treated as a welcome guest?! No way! If your husband wants her there he can do all the grunt work.
What kind of grandma ignores her grandchildren also? Is she obsessed with your husband, do you think?

ChileConCarne · 07/11/2019 07:00

You need to create much firmer boundaries before she gets older and insists on living with you!

Original poster
Foalma19 · 07/11/2019 09:43

I don’t think that she is obsessed with DH but he is her only child and I think she would like to be treated as the most important person in his life. And until I came along I think he did.

She doesn’t completely ignore the children but she doesn’t play with them or watch them properly. She expects the kisses and cuddles and for them to cooperate for nice photos, but she doesn’t engage with them in a way that they would enjoy.

OP posts:
LionsHeart · 07/11/2019 09:57

Is one weekend a month enforceable?

You'd dread it arriving, but there'll be shopping to do, children's clubs, trips out, and you can arrange a night out with friends on the Saturday while DH spends a LOVELY night in catching up with ALL his mums news.

You escape, he sees his mum. Win/win.

DeathStare · 07/11/2019 10:08

I'd repeat once more to her that those dates are not convenient and then I'd have a plan for if she comes anyway.

I would go out of my way to make sure I and the DC were never in while she was there. Like never. Arrive home just before bedtime everyday - having eaten.

When she arrives say to her "We are going to be out an awful lot I'm afraid - but we did tell you these dates are inconvenient. Feel free to make yourself dinner because I've no idea when we will be back" and then leave her to it every single day she's there

DeathStare · 07/11/2019 10:10

I'd also make sure I was out when she arrives. If she phones just say "oh we did tell you we didn't know when we would be back" and leave her waiting.

Original poster
Foalma19 · 07/11/2019 10:16

I could not cope with having her here every month! She would end up staying longer than a weekend anyway as she gets cheaper trains by travelling midweek. And she ( and DH) would at she is too old to do the journey back so soon.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 07/11/2019 10:24

How old is she?

frazzledasarock · 07/11/2019 10:30

When she does come round does your DH cook and clean for her arrival?

I’d stop doing anything for her. I’d not let her visits alter my timetable in any way. She’s there far too often to be waited on. I’d purposely start eating before getting home announce I’m not hungry so it cooking tonight and give kids meals she wouldn’t really want, nuggets/burgers/dish fingers and mash and boils veg.

I’d not prepare a room for her she can make her own bed and just put up with the facilities as she finds them.

If it bothers anyone (your DH), they can take the matter into hand and do the cooking and cleaning.