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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL will never take no for an answer

122 replies

Foalma19 · 06/11/2019 15:20

MIL lives a few hundred miles away and visits every couple of months for a week at a time. (It's too long for me really!). Visits are always instigated by her and at times that suit her. Occasionally we have to say that certain dates don't suit us but it never goes down well. She will always push back and give reasons why she can come anyway, or try to make my DH feel guilty.

We generally let her visit when she wants unless we have other things going on. If we have plans that are taking us out of the house all weekend then it is pointless for her to come and stay. She is unable to accompany us to most of these things. If we went and left her at our house we would end up feeling that we had to hurry home to her. She would also end up trying to persuade us not to go,or pester us constantly to see when we would be back. So we tend to just say that it's not a good time for her to visit.

However, she just doesn't let up and it's really starting to get to me. She has decided that she wants to visit in a couple of weeks (we only saw her 2 weeks ago). DH has told her that it's not a good time as we have things going on and he may have to travel for work. She still won't stop pestering him about it. She just keeps coming back with ways to make it work.

We feel guilty about saying no but there's just no respect for us, or our wishes. She has decided she wants to visit and that's that. Whatever reason we give she bats it back. This happens every single time we are not available on the dates she decides. If we suggest other dates that do work for us she will say that she has other plans. We are expected to make the dates she wants work, but she never tries to change her own plans to fit in with us.

As usual DH is ready to relent and let her come, which always bloody happens. So AIBU to insist that this time no really does mean no?

OP posts:
brassbrass · 07/11/2019 10:38

I think your DH needs to compromise here. Suggest instead of her coming down to you that he goes to her instead. We'll see how long that lasts. He doesn't have to do the heavy lifting with her coming to your house. He can dilute her with you and the kids. There is no reason why she should be encroaching on your lives in this way. Some comprise has to be reached or you will go mad. At the minimum I would be stopping the week long stays to a weekend. It must be so disruptive to have her there during the week with work and childcare if she doesn't actually help in any practical way.

Motoko · 07/11/2019 10:40

Too old? How old is she?

My nan (who had never been out of the UK before) travelled to Australia all on her own, when she was 74. Imagine that, having to navigate airports, long hours on a plane, stop over in China, before getting to Oz.

It's just an excuse, she'd be perfectly fine only staying 2/3 days, seeing as she's well enough to work, and travel to you this often. It's not as if she's a frail old lady who needs a week to recover from the travelling. I bet she goes back to work with no problems, when she gets back from yours.

I agree with pps, that if she does turn up, you go out, leave all the hosting to your DH. If he's the one who has to deal with her all the time, he'll soon put a stop to her visits.

And you need to have a think about how long you're willing to put up with this. You said your marriage almost broke down before, so I can't see this going on for much longer before you break.

brassbrass · 07/11/2019 10:43

Exactly how much does your DH do around the house to facilitate her visits? As PP pointed out you should take a step back from all of this and leave it to him. Get her to make her own bed and strip it before she leaves. Why can't she cook some meals while you are both at work? Dreadful imposition.

HappySonHappyMum · 07/11/2019 10:48

I feel that if you can't tell her no then you should let her come and continue with you commitments. Don't rush home early, leave the fridge with food so she can help herself. Be out and don't make any allowances for her. Show her the reasons why you said it wasn't convenient to the full. And if she moans then tell you husband she is his responsibility as he facilitated it. You cannot put your life on hold for this .

LionsHeart · 07/11/2019 12:37

Tell DH that he is now responsible for her visits. He cleans, cooks for & entertains her. He can carry the mental load of clean sheets, what meals, how to fill her time, etc.

You keep busy, preferably out of the house. Cinema, play centres, McDonalds, parks, garden centres, anywhere that you can relax with a cuppa & your kindle.

When he objects, suggest that he visits MIL as travel is SO difficult at her age.

TheMidasTouch · 07/11/2019 12:46

I would say no and remind her she only visited two weeks ago. I would also talk to DH and tell him that you will be the ones in future to be issuing invitations and that she has been staying for too long and therefore outstayed her welcome.

Discuss with DH and arrive at a decision on how often and for how long she can come to stay. Tell him he will be responsible for planning and for cooking, trios out in her visit. If she or DH don't like it then tell them to sling their hook.

If you work full time does she expect you to take your holidays around her visits?

GettingABitDesperateNow · 07/11/2019 12:59

Who knows how long she has got left!? You cant let someone trample all over your boundaries on the off chance they are going to die soon! I mean if this carries on you'll be hoping its sooner rather than later.

I agree stop telling her why just say no it's not possible. If she asks why 'please can you stop asking, we dont want to explain because you dont listen / we dont want to have to justify it etc.

Tell your husband it's for the greater good, if you dont take action she is going to come visit at a really really bad time one day and you will completely snap. You will have a much better relationship if it's more equal

Nanny0gg · 07/11/2019 13:02

Dear Mil

Next year is very busy for us

So sadly, the only dates we're going to have available are:
(And make sure they're for 5 days max)
I'm afraid we're unable to move them around.

Let me know which one suits you.

@Foalma19

And tell your DH that if he gives in, he's taking the time off and you're going away (even if you kip on a friend's sofa)

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 07/11/2019 13:03

Can you go visit your own relatives during the week, then leave him to look after the kids and her at the weekend? He can’t say no to her, so he can deal with her.

IamWaggingBrenda · 07/11/2019 13:09

Don’t give her reasons that she can bat back. Just say no and give an alternate date that works for you. And if she’s there and you have other plans, don’t alter them to get back early. Mainly, you need to stop feeling guilty and go about your life as usual. If she makes you feel guilty by saying something, tell her you had plans already in place and that is why she should have come at a different time that you ALL agree on.

Original poster
Foalma19 · 07/11/2019 13:45

She is 72 and yes it has been mentioned before about her living with us. I ignored her and told DH in no uncertain terms that I’d divorce him first! I couldn’t even live with my own mother!

DH ended up blowing his top with her last night as she contacted him yet again about this bloody visit. She now wants to come just for the weekend. I’m glad he stood up to her but let’s hope she doesn’t cry and manipulate him into feeling guilty.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 07/11/2019 13:55

What's a weekend according to her? Saturday and Sunday. Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Or more likely Friday to Monday.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 07/11/2019 14:00

If she's fit enough to come on the train then the is really no need why she needs to come for longer because of her age. That's ridiculous. My mil lives 280 miles away and comes on the train every couple of months for 2 nights.

Glad your dh stood up to her

Motoko · 07/11/2019 14:24

But he told her no, not even for a weekend, right?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/11/2019 14:30

it has been mentioned before about her living with us

Quelle surprise Hmm

Glad DH finally found his tongue, but having agreed to "just a weekend" don't be surprised if she tries to stretch it. As said, if you're ever going to solve this you'll need to become the one he's most worried about upsetting, and that won't be easy

billy1966 · 07/11/2019 14:37

So pester power worked for her again OP.

Your husband definitely needs to fear your reaction more.

I agree with the poster's above.

Be out.

As much as you possibly can.

Organise a night out with friends.

Let your husband sort out her room, don't even bring up getting a room ready.

Let him sort out food and cooking for the weekend.

I wouldn't even argue about it now, just let him organise it all.

He capitulated.

He also clearly needs a dose of consequences.

💐

Original poster
Foalma19 · 07/11/2019 14:50

I he hadn’t agreed to the weekend. He got angry with her for asking again when he has already told her several times. I will go mental if he caves now!

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/11/2019 14:59

Apologies, Foalma19 - genuinely my mistake for reading it wrong Blush

It's no bad thing if he's not caved on "just a weekend" since it would doubtless be seen as a partial victory to be built on, but let's just hope he can keep it up

Oh and if he does, expect the sudden "life threatening illnesses" to come crawling into view

billy1966 · 07/11/2019 15:13

I hope for HIS sake he doesn't!

mankyfourthtoe · 07/11/2019 15:28

Remind him of the link between her behaviour and when children nag and nag, until they get what they want.

Butterymuffin · 07/11/2019 15:59

What LionsHeart has said. Shift all responsibility for her visits to him. So when she arrives late and wants dinner straight away, say 'DH will sort you out' and leave the room. He isn't prepared to say no - well, he can deal with every single one of the consequences, then.

Can you take the kids and visit your own parents or another family member / friend for this next visit?

EssexGurl · 07/11/2019 16:08

Surely, if she visits and you have plans you carry on with those? No rushing back to her, just carry on as normal. She might get the message if you aren’t there to wait on her hand and foot. The more parties, activities the better ...

DNAP · 07/11/2019 17:35

I really feel for you, we had the same problem with my MIL. It was an absolute nightmare, and being quite a long flight away, it was minimum 6 week visits, and the final straw was when she rang and announced she was coming for 3 months. After years of arguments and an almost broken marriage, we had an ultimatum moment, and that was it. She now knows not to treat us that way again; disregarding people's plans and privacy, and thinking they can steamroll their way into your life, it just amazes me that there are some parents who think that is ok. Please have that talk OP, before it gets the better of you and your relationship.

Original poster
Foalma19 · 07/11/2019 21:11

6 weeks Jesus! 6 days does me in.

She is now sulking and not speaking to DH. We’ve had a chat and I’ve told him not to feel guilty and that her now ignoring him is yet another manipulative tactic.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 07/11/2019 21:48

Let her sulk. Give her a few days to cool down and see if she contacts him again. It will get easier for him to say no now that he's done it.