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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL will never take no for an answer

122 replies

Foalma19 · 06/11/2019 15:20

MIL lives a few hundred miles away and visits every couple of months for a week at a time. (It's too long for me really!). Visits are always instigated by her and at times that suit her. Occasionally we have to say that certain dates don't suit us but it never goes down well. She will always push back and give reasons why she can come anyway, or try to make my DH feel guilty.

We generally let her visit when she wants unless we have other things going on. If we have plans that are taking us out of the house all weekend then it is pointless for her to come and stay. She is unable to accompany us to most of these things. If we went and left her at our house we would end up feeling that we had to hurry home to her. She would also end up trying to persuade us not to go,or pester us constantly to see when we would be back. So we tend to just say that it's not a good time for her to visit.

However, she just doesn't let up and it's really starting to get to me. She has decided that she wants to visit in a couple of weeks (we only saw her 2 weeks ago). DH has told her that it's not a good time as we have things going on and he may have to travel for work. She still won't stop pestering him about it. She just keeps coming back with ways to make it work.

We feel guilty about saying no but there's just no respect for us, or our wishes. She has decided she wants to visit and that's that. Whatever reason we give she bats it back. This happens every single time we are not available on the dates she decides. If we suggest other dates that do work for us she will say that she has other plans. We are expected to make the dates she wants work, but she never tries to change her own plans to fit in with us.

As usual DH is ready to relent and let her come, which always bloody happens. So AIBU to insist that this time no really does mean no?

OP posts:

TowelNumber42 · 07/11/2019 21:56

If he is tempted to cave then the method of caving has to be that he goes to visit her for the weekend. That way most of the pain is on him not you.

Sometimes laughter is the best remedy. I mean take a step back and see that this is actually hilarious behaviour from her. The guilt and pain method only works if you take it too seriously. He needs to laugh at the insanity of her on this. Start cracking the gentle jokes. Incredulous laughter. Find the funny.

ScruffGin · 07/11/2019 22:03

At least if she is doing and not talking to him, she can't ask again if she can visit

ScruffGin · 07/11/2019 22:03

Sulking, not doing!

Seeingadistance · 07/11/2019 22:07

Genuinely curious - how does she convey her sulk over a few hundred miles? I mean, it’s pretty obvious when you’re living under the same roof as a sulker, but I’ve never considered it to be a long distance activity.

Cherrysoup · 07/11/2019 22:26

Maybe this is the break point? My parents used to do the same and the sulks when we said no were tremendous! Even had the phone put down on us. But we put down boundaries and enforced them. People don’t get to tell you when they’re coming to YOUR house. So bloody rude.

Check in with your dh and ensure he’s not creeping back to soothe her. You need to be strong and make him strong too!

pugparty · 07/11/2019 23:08

She's 72 and you reckon you've easily got another 20 years with her?

Blondebakingmumma · 07/11/2019 23:28

If you ignore the sulk I bet she has some sort of medical emergency next to get your DH back in line!

Arthur2shedsJackson · 08/11/2019 00:01

As ever, TowelNumber42 gets it bang on.

Original poster

Foalma19 · 08/11/2019 03:05

I never said we easily have another 20 years with her? But they do seem to have longevity in her family so it’s entirely possible.

I can tell she is sulking because she is reading messages but not responding which is highly unusual.

OP posts:

Durgasarrow · 08/11/2019 04:45

No is a complete sentence.

TheSerenDipitY · 08/11/2019 05:14

she is working on her game plan to get what she wants starting with the silent treatment, thats your first punishment, she will ramp it up when she finely answers back with a ton of ammo... so get him prepared with his no mum that doesnt work for us, no mum we cant do that, no mum we wont be here, no mum if you turn up the house will be locked and we wont be here ( book into a hotel if you have to, to really drive it home)
DO NOT SAY SORRY, just no mum that wont work for us/no mum we wont be here/ no mum we have plans etc etc, dont explain or justify or defend , just no mum

pugparty · 08/11/2019 07:24

I mean, you literally did

There’s no reason to think she won’t be around for another 20 years!

Sweetpea55 · 08/11/2019 07:36

I think if DH gives into her and let's her come, I would take myself off somewhere else until the visit is over. And I'd do that every time. But then I am an intolerant bitch

dustybluebell · 08/11/2019 07:36

What always cheddar said... had the same with my MIL over the years.. guilt trip after guilt trip..he always gave in. Once I said No.. he told her No.. she told him not to call her her. She was devastated.. he called her.. calmed her down.. BUT.. she didn't come.

averythinline · 08/11/2019 07:39

dont send her messages! and get dh not to send her messages either ...
look up the grey rock technique......

DNAP · 08/11/2019 08:39

Oh I’m totally with you on those long-distance sulks! Of course it’s possible to feel the vibe of someone who isn’t actually there. And people like that can convey it so well. And the longevity, I also agree. My mil is the same age, and her parents, grandparents, aunts etc. all lived to very big ages. Centenarians galore! We have a lot to look forward to good luck OP

coconutpie · 08/11/2019 08:54

@DNAP 6 weeks minimum????! Where the hell was your MIL living? Saturn? Otherwise I cannot see how a 6 week visit was ever justified. People go on holiday to Australia for 2 weeks and that's long distance.

@Foalma19 Your MIL lives 250 miles away. Two HUNDRED and fifty, not two THOUSAND miles away. She does not need to stay for a week at a time. And every couple of months? I would be putting a stop to these week long visits and also I would be saying 2 nights max, 3 at an absolute push on a rare occasion.

Also, as the MN saying goes, you have a DH problem. He needs to stop engaging with her on this. If he tells her no once, he just needs to repeat every single time she brings it up - mum, I've already told you it's not convenient and you will not be visiting us this weekend. I am not going to discuss this further so stop asking. If you ask again, I'm just going to immediately hang up the phone.

Your MIL has learned that constantly pestering DH to change his mind has resulted in her getting the answer the wanted in the first place. He's the cause of all this. And yeah, I would use what somebody else said - if he mentions again about not knowing how much time she has left because of her age, I'd say well at this rate, we don't know how much time our marriage has left either.

RiggedUpSquare · 08/11/2019 11:22

A week at a time every second month is moving in by stealth. You only host people when it's mutually convenient, you have the room and time etc.

For someone to insist they live with you for the lengths of time being mentioned, it would end my marriage. I'm not joking. I put up with the nightmare of living with my own mother as an adult for a while and it permanently soured the relationship (think akin to "this will help us all out" then expected "digs money" £s which would be 3x higher than me renting a room with bills all included!). I think I'd end up permanently not speaking to mil if I was ever thrust into the middle of that adult-going-back-to-childhood dynamic again.

I've already told my DH that if his mother ever wants to move in then it'll be the day I move out - it's been repeatedly hinted at for the last 5 years

Original poster

Foalma19 · 08/11/2019 12:53

Pug party I said there’s no reason to believe she won’t be - no illness, no frailty, longevity in her family. That’s different to saying we “Easily” have 20 years more with her. Her own mother lived to see 100.
Like with us all she could pop her clogs tomorrow but I can’t live every day doing what she wants just in case.

OP posts:

Jokie · 11/11/2019 11:42

@Foalma19: has she got in contact over the weekend? Or is she still sulking?

HamsterHolder · 11/11/2019 12:31

Oh my goodness, this sounds horrific! Definitely agree with the 'no it's not a possibility to visit then' only, no need to give further reasons. Either that or start a massive long term renovation of the spare room so there's no where for her to stay and thus the cycle is broken? Or would she expect you to sleep on the couch whilst she shares with her son?

dustybluebell · 11/11/2019 20:02

Hamsterholder..that made me laugh.. would she expect you to sleep on the couch whilst she shares with her son!!! My MIL used to stay at ours, and before I was pregnant we used to give her our bed, and we slept on a blow up bed.. then when I fell pregnant she would sleep on a guest bed we bought. It had to go in the lounge, as no spare room, and we didnt have curtains (too broke) but she insisted we put black sacks up at the windows 'as she couldn't sleep once the sun started to rise' (we were a floor up in a flat so no one could look in) She made these sort of demands all the time. 'Cant eat this, cant eat that' 'have to sit in the front seat of the car' 'no full fat milk only semi' 'demanding a phone call at least twice every day' 'any event expecting an invite to' her children used to 'hide' that they'd met up without inviting her otherwise she'd kick off.. it used to drive me mad...sorry to rant, not my thread, but just to say you're not alone. It is a husband problem really.. not a MIL problem.

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